I will always love you CES

by Tina
(Texas)

My soul mate passed away from pancreatic cancer in Nov. 09. Just one month before our 26th anniv. He was such a strong and fearless man. He made me promise that I would not put "he lost his battle with cancer" in his obit. because he said it wasn't a battle because even with treatment he didn't have a chance at winning. Even though it has been 1 year and 9 months, the pain and grief has not lessened, and if anything, I miss him more and more. I have "trained" my tears to flow before and after work, and on weekends, just as my brother told me I would. (he lost his wife to cancer 3 years earlier)People think I am moving on, but they don't have a clue. You don't just move on when you lose your soul mate. We raised 3 kids and were just starting to enjoy the empty nest. He worked so hard all of his life, and had one more year to go to get our youngest out of college. I no longer believe in putting away for retirement... He was so strong during his illness. He admitted that he cried many times early in the morning before I got up and that he was scared, but he told me I would be able to make it when he was gone. I knew it was going to be hard, but I had no idea the pain could be so great without my heart just bursting. I truly feel like I got the short end of the stick. I would trade places with him in a heartbeat. Some of my closest friends mean and meant well when they tried to comfort me with stupid words, and in that area I have gotten stronger. People saying hurtful words without meaning to no longer drop me to my knees. When they say they know how I feel because they have been "divorced", or they know how I feel because their dog just died so their house is quiet also when they come home from work don't have a clue. But I don't want them to understand the pain because it means they have to also lose a spouse and I wouldn't wish the pain on a worst enemy. Since our kids are all on their own, they still don't understand the nightmare of their dad's illness. He always tried to be strong when they were around, and since they weren't here on the day to day of treatments, sickness, and all the strange things cancer does to a body, they don't even have a clue to the hell my mind goes through reliving his illness. Since I was such a strong person as they were growing up, they don't understand that my strength came from having the love and support of their father. We were of one mind and one heart. And that I am broken without him. He was only unresponsive for the very last day, but when he was taking his last breath, he did open his eyes and look me straight in mine, so I know he was aware he was leaving me. It is hard also because I feel selfish. I had a soul mate for 26 years and know so many people who never find that love, so I am grateful but at the same time wish we had longer. I love you CES today as much as I ever have. Just because you were taken from me doesn't lessen that love.

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Sep 06, 2011
Lost my second chance of my soul mate & the love of my life
by: Marilyn

Tina,
My love and thoughts go out to you. I lost my soul mate after 14 yrs & 4 days. He was diagnosed with Stage 4 Adrenal Cortical Carcinoma on March 26, 2010. He was a fighter and was going to beat this awful disease. He left me on Oct. 13, 2010 and I still cry and miss him so much, wondering if the tears will stop and I will rejoin life. It was a second marriage for us, we both lost our first mate. What a surprise at the age of 50 to fall in love & feel like 16 again, something I thought I would never feel. The cancer treatments were so awful, but when he left me, it was sudden. I was trying to mentally prepare for everything, but I'm learning you never do. I have not been able to sleep for the last week, & went online to find a site to help me & I found this site. I read & learned a lot, and when I read your blog Tina, I knew I had to send my comments. Jim was my love, soul mate & best friend. I remember being in his arms trying to dance to "our songs" on our anniversary, the tears in both our eyes, hugging him, nuzzling him on his neck (which I always did) and not knowing this would be the last time. I have tears while writing to you, stretching out my arms to you and hoping to feel your arms to me. I was given a second chance of love and now, this is so hard to continue without him. Tina, I know I'm rambling but I had to send this to you. Maybe it will help me also.

Sep 02, 2011
Love never dies...
by:

Tina,

I "Lost" my husband Dec. 6th of 2009. I am just now beginning to find my independence. I still miss him like crazy especially when the big stuff comes around. Like Hurricane Irene, I functioned, helped with the shelter and camped out in "our" now my house.

The memories haunted me recalling Hurricane Isabel. Together preparing getting out the camp stoves, extra water, all the things that we needed to do and afterwards him outside with the chainsaw clearing trees.

Now it is just me. And though I have grown with this grief it still haunts me. I know that I need to make the most of this life although it certainly feels as if my life ended with his, it did not.

The hardest part of grief is acceptance. Will I ever get over it? No never...But I will somehow manage to make a life for my child and I. One worthwhile even with a broken heart. The strength that evaded me, strength that seemed impossible has changed me as grief has. I am proud of what I have withstood and you should be too. Come here as you need, this is the safe place where we can rest our weary heads.

It is here that we can be ourselves without judgement. We can be angry, upset, lonely, or just pissed off at the world for having what we lost. It's o.k and you will be too. There is light far far away at the end of the tunnel. Just take it day by day moment by moment as we have thus far.
HH

Aug 28, 2011
I will always love
by: Patricia From Las Vegas

We watch, we listen, only we hear the words, feel the pain, only the lost, know the knowing.
Does it get better? An age old question always asked. I just wish I knew the answer....
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year

Aug 28, 2011
I will always love you
by: Donna

Tina,
I know exactly how you feel. I lost my soulmate of 26 years to pancreatic cancer July 23, 2010. We also have three children. My two girls and grandbabies are my rocks. I couldn't survive this without them. Bryan talked to them and ask them to take care of me and please not let me just sit in our computer chair and mourn myself to death. He knew that is exactly what I would do, and believe me it is so hard not to do just that. But, I made him a promise, I promised not to mourn him forever, I don't know if I can keep that promise but I will try. If you would like to talk more you can contact me at bleubear1@yahoo.com. I am so thankful that I found this site, it has been a true life saver. You can come here any time to vent and no one judges. We have a saying here one breath, one step, one day. That's all we can do until we meet our soulmates again. So I go one breath ,one step, one day at a time Bryan I love you forever until we meet again.

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