I will always love you CES
My soul mate passed away from pancreatic cancer in Nov. 09. Just one month before our 26th anniv. He was such a strong and fearless man. He made me promise that I would not put "he lost his battle with cancer" in his obit. because he said it wasn't a battle because even with treatment he didn't have a chance at winning. Even though it has been 1 year and 9 months, the pain and grief has not lessened, and if anything, I miss him more and more. I have "trained" my tears to flow before and after work, and on weekends, just as my brother told me I would. (he lost his wife to cancer 3 years earlier)People think I am moving on, but they don't have a clue. You don't just move on when you lose your soul mate. We raised 3 kids and were just starting to enjoy the empty nest. He worked so hard all of his life, and had one more year to go to get our youngest out of college. I no longer believe in putting away for retirement... He was so strong during his illness. He admitted that he cried many times early in the morning before I got up and that he was scared, but he told me I would be able to make it when he was gone. I knew it was going to be hard, but I had no idea the pain could be so great without my heart just bursting. I truly feel like I got the short end of the stick. I would trade places with him in a heartbeat. Some of my closest friends mean and meant well when they tried to comfort me with stupid words, and in that area I have gotten stronger. People saying hurtful words without meaning to no longer drop me to my knees. When they say they know how I feel because they have been "divorced", or they know how I feel because their dog just died so their house is quiet also when they come home from work don't have a clue. But I don't want them to understand the pain because it means they have to also lose a spouse and I wouldn't wish the pain on a worst enemy. Since our kids are all on their own, they still don't understand the nightmare of their dad's illness. He always tried to be strong when they were around, and since they weren't here on the day to day of treatments, sickness, and all the strange things cancer does to a body, they don't even have a clue to the hell my mind goes through reliving his illness. Since I was such a strong person as they were growing up, they don't understand that my strength came from having the love and support of their father. We were of one mind and one heart. And that I am broken without him. He was only unresponsive for the very last day, but when he was taking his last breath, he did open his eyes and look me straight in mine, so I know he was aware he was leaving me. It is hard also because I feel selfish. I had a soul mate for 26 years and know so many people who never find that love, so I am grateful but at the same time wish we had longer. I love you CES today as much as I ever have. Just because you were taken from me doesn't lessen that love.