I wish i can turn back the time and save my mother

by lynda

my mother was 54 years old when she passed on ..her death was a very shocking news for me and my family ...my mother death was solely on my mistake for not staying at home and taking care of her. After celebrating my mom birthday , she was have excessive bleeding the next day until we took her to hospital and she was admitted for two days. after inserting two bottles of blood and all the check up done on her , the doctor discharge her from hospital and she was allowed to go back. When she was at home , we took care of her and she recovered well.She ate all her favorite food and also was doing well. However, she was not as before when she stop to cook for us almost one month and communicate less with us. We was thinking that she needed rest and most of the time we let her rest. Suddenly one day she said her stomach is paining and we took her to hospital. after spending whole day in hospital, the doctor said she is AL-right and just has infection in urine and get her discharge after giving the medication. Two days after she was discharge she passed away at home when we was not with her . The day morning before she passed away , i never saw her . i was rushing to work until neglect to meet her ..two days before my mum away , i was working an my brother was taking care of her ..she refuse to eat the two days and only when i come back i will make tea for her ... the night before she passed away i feed her juice and apply medicine for her leg but was not manage to sit and talk with her and ask how is she doing ..i saw she was so weak but never have the though that she is going to leave us so soon ..all the while i was thinking that my mother become like this because she never eats well. Today i lost my mum because of my carelessness and because of not seeing her on that day morning . im sure if i saw her sure i have save her ...i am a useless daughter for my mom ..my mom worked so hard to make us study and she sacrifice her life for us but as her daughter i never took good care of her . after she passed on, my brother told me that she was very weak during the two days and when i ask him why he never informed that to us and family he said he think we know about it and it was fate for her to die ..when i listen to it , my heart pain a lot an i feel like shouting an cry how careless i could be ..why i never notice such thing from my mom ..how can i be so careless in handling my mother ..why i never stay with her the two days so that i could realize all this and save her... i never blame my brother for my mother death but blame myself.as a daughter my mother trust me so much and how can i be so careless and never take care of her ..all said is fated for her but for me its solely my mistake for not spending time and taking good care of her.. the worst part is until today im still wondering what is the cause of my mother death and what makes her so weak until she end up like this ...the worst is even whatever it is ..its too late now where i already lost my mum ..trust me the guilt and pain i feel now is unbearable ...i really seek for forgiveness from my mom ...i feel that i have kill my mom and because of me my mom has died ...

Comments for I wish i can turn back the time and save my mother

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May 23, 2014
Bereaved daughter
by: Anonymous

Dear Doreen, I was so grieving for my mum too when I read your post. Thank you - your wisdom
resonates with others. X

May 21, 2014
Be kind to yourself while you are grieving. It will help you heal.
by: Doreen UK

Lynda most of us on this grief site has commented on many of the feelings they feel after their loved one has passed away. You can suddenly forget what your mother looked like. How she spoke. What she last did. The way she parented etc. It feels as if everything has gone. disappeared and we can't remember much. I remember almost panicking because I couldn't remember what my husband looked like. How he spoke. What our life was like for the past 47yrs. It was as if everything was BLANK. What is important is to not force yourself to think. Memories will come back little by little you will start to remember things about your mother. But what you will remember now is those last moments you spent with her. This will be what you remember the most trying to make sense of it all. You will move in between different emotions. You will cry, may even be angry, feel fearful, anxious, despair, happy, and sad etc. These are all facets of grief. But they won't last. Best way to go is ONE DAY AT A TIME. As each day goes by you will become stronger. You won't feel such RAW PAINFUL GRIEF. Important thing to do is to talk as much as you need to. Don't isolate yourself with your grief. I wish you better days ahead.

May 21, 2014
I wish i can turn back the time and save my mother
by: lynda

thanks Doreen for the supportive words....currently im really having a hard time ...every time i think that my mother is no longer with me and i cant see or heard her voice i feel very pain ....the pain is really unbearable and really make my heart suffer so much...i still cant forget the last day i saw my mum before she passed on ....i not sure how long i will be caring this feeling with me ...but i really miss my mum very much ..i have been with her for 27 years and suddenly when i realize she is no longer with me it really hurt me a lot ..i cant stop my self from crying and keep on thinking about her ...i not sure where is she and how is she now ? is she safe or is she sad ? all this question is torturing me ....i really wish i could turn back the time and save my mother ..i really miss her very much and wish i can hug her without letting go of her ...

May 20, 2014
I wish I can turn back the time and save my mother.
by: Doreen UK

Lynda YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME for your mothers death. Grief automatically assaults our body and mind, but it shouldn't last. it should soon go. You need to try and change the way you think about being a bad daughter and turn this around by thinking positive about yourself. Start thinking of all the good things you did for your mother and build on this. If it makes it easier. Write it all down and keep FOCUSING on the good things you did. WE all do wrong things in life. This is part of our humanity. We are not perfect and we will keep making mistakes.
I had a mother. I am also a mother to 3 Adult children. I don't punish myself for all the things I could have done. I FOCUS on all the things I did get right.
My children are busy with their lives and I expect this. I want them to be FREE and happy as I was bringing them up. I place no demands on them. I have little expectations and I try to live an independent life. I hope I never become ill to the degree it interferes with my children's lives. Being a carer for most of my life I don't want to be cared for. I want to do this for myself as long as I am able to. No parent wants to put a burden on their children. A parent's job is to bring up her children well and to make life easier for them. No child should carry the responsibility for a parent or feel any guilt over them. As parents we accept our responsibilities. So let go of your guilt. Don't beat yourself up for any mistakes you made. FORGIVE YOURSELF. We all have to struggle with our emotions but we learn each day that life is what it is and often we may not do it right but we always try our best and I am sure you did. My husband died of cancer and I nursed him but he still died. I couldn't save him even by caring for him. Often people die. This is part of life and there is nothing we can do to save them. Free yourself of this burden. A parent never places a burden of guilt on their children. It is a parents job and Joy to care for their children expecting nothing in return. It is called UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

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