I Wonder If I Will Ever Be Able To Trust, So I Can Love Again.
My fiancé died 2 years ago. He was only 27 years old, I was only 26. He was from France, and had the most incredible French accent. I studied the French language until I was fluent, but Thomas spoke great English along with French. I had never experienced such a love in my entire lifetime. A man who brought real romance to life for me. He loved to impress me by doing the little things I would never expect him to do. We would go for late night walks on the beach, and I can still feel the sand, and smell the ocean, but his touch is fading far too fast. He loved to ride his motorcycle, and he would take me for rides. One night while sitting at a red light, I said to myself, my life is perfect, and I couldn’t ask for anything more, than this man who loved me unconditionally. One evening he shared with me about his past, his relationships, and how he never felt loved until he and I met. No one had taken care of him the way I had, but saying that, I had never had anyone take care of me the way he had either. We were meant to be together. We helped one another to grow, to learn, and to know what real love feels like.
His mother was visiting from France on the day he died. She had been staying with us, and had been in the US for about a week. I was actually having lunch with his mother, and his grandmother when my mom called me. She didn’t want to tell me news on the phone, so she arranged to meet up with us halfway. I thought it was only a family matter so his mother and grandmother went to the mall as we had planned after lunch, and I stayed in the parking lot with my mom, and she told me that there was an accident where Thomas had worked, and that he was killed. It took about an hour just to compose myself, to stop crying, to stop trying to wake up from the nightmare. Eventually, I would compose myself, and I had a hard task to face because I had to tell his mother that her only child was killed.
Two years have passed and I really don’t want to be in a relationship, to love another man just doesn’t seem right. I can’t stop comparing guys I meet to Thomas, and I have never been that way. I don’t know if I will ever trust that a relationship won’t end in death. Or that the person who I loved with all my being will never return home from work, never say I love you, or come into my arms again.
As a Christian, I know that God has His perfect plan, but that plan isn’t always comfortable, we learn from trials, we grow, we become stronger. I can’t move on even two years later, I don’t think I ever will. My love for him is still too deep. I celebrate his life, but I still mourn his death. I was once asked if I knew that it would all end this way if I would have stayed with him to begin with. Of course, I am who I am today because of what he taught me. I wouldn’t miss a moment of the time I had to share with him.