Ibegged my mother to stay, I watched her desperately trying but finally succomed to death

by The loving daughter
(New York)

I have lived with my mother for 4 years. It was a struggle, she was not happy losing her independence. I kept working full time and got her 12 hour home care. For about a month, she was afraid to go into the bathroom, kept saying that a man came to her at bed at night and she fought him. I thought it was a delusion. I asked her doctor to get hospice since she she was 91. She wasn't feeling well, but this was pretty much stutus quo. She had no major illnesses, just some memory loss and depression. She had just seen her doctor who said she was doing well, eating, had a slight low blood count and went down to 89 pounds. He wasn't concerned. She woke up one morning with skin abrasions on her arm and a black and blue mark in the center of the forehead. She was afraid. I would stand in the kitchen and she would ask her aide frightened and said who is that. I waved and said it's only me. My dog was hanging around her for a few days and I thought she was smelling the floor where she had vomited a few days before. Both dogs were howling and barking constantly. I kept opening the door to show them no one was there. Finally my mother told the aide that she just wanted to cuddle into the couch because it was warm. The aide said that she had to use the bathroom because she hadn't gone for 6 hours. I did not know this was happening until I came out and said "Mom, you have to go to the bathroom. She said clearly, "Don't talk to me that way." I apologized and said please lets go. We offered her ice cream and she said, "NO, I don't want any." She never said no to ice cream. We helped her to the bathroom, I went into my office to work and the aide said to me, "she doesn't look good. I went into the bathroom and my mother's head was to the side, her eyes were closed. I screamed, "DON'T LEAVE ME NOW, IT's NOT TIME," Her mouth opened as I screamed it to her 3 times and then she was gone. I lied on the bed with her when she left, kissed her hair, her smooth soft cheeks, held her and apologized. There were many times she asked me why I didn't spend more time with her and now I so regret that I didn't. I told her I have to work and she said OK, I love you. There are so many things I regret. She is resting in peace right now, when she succumbed to death, she looked as though she was finally resting. I can't get the picture out of my mind when she tried to cling on to life. If I had only known that my dogs saw spirits and smelled death, I would have held her so tight until her time came. I cry when I think about the times she said I love you, think about how she fought off death every night, how I wished I could just have held and showed how much I loved her more often.

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Jun 09, 2014
I begged my mother to stay, I watched her desperately trying but finally succomed to death
by: Doreen UK

This is the saddest part of late life when our parents are older, infirm and need us so much but we can't fulfil their need due to the responsibilities of life. My daughter lost her job and had so much time out of work that she was able to go to her father's chemotherapy and radiotherapy, and spent time with him. If she had been in employment she would not have been able to spend this time with her father before he died 2yrs. ago.
The workplace is getting worse and does not cater for the needs one has with parents or loved one's who are dying.
You say your mother wondered why you didn't spend more time with her. This is how my husband felt when he was dying of cancer. I carried that pain. When my husband died our son said he felt guilty, about not spending time with his father. I had to ask him why he never wanted to wash his father's car when asked. Why he didn't spend more time with his Dad when he needed this. etc etc. and my son left on the day of the funeral and never came back. It has been 2yrs. I remember how my son abandoned me and his sister, on that day after promising his father that he would look after us. At the funeral he talked about his father always rescuing him when he was in need. He has that opportunity to do it for me and his sister but he left us. I am happy that we rescued him and we cared for him in the best way we could. There is peace in doing one's duty. I am sure you did much for your mother and it is this you need to remember and not having spent more time with her when you had commitments and work responsibilities that dictated what you did.

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