If only I could have one more day...hour....minute....with my dad😪

by Lisa
(Canterbury )

I lost my dad on 6th March 2013 . It was 7 18 pm and I will never forget that day . I was there when he died and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I wanted to do it for him as he's always been there for me. The pain I felt after was so bad and I sobbed relentless for 2 days but then I could hear him saying " come on Lisa, you have your kids to look after" . I have 2 boys aged 9 &7 and have a daughter who is now 5 and half months . I'm so pleased he got to see her and he called her " little miss edable" . After then I have tried to be "strong" but trouble is now nearly 6 weeks on I still can't get the visions of his last hours out of my head and think the same things over and over " why did they make him take the pills when it was so hard for him to swallow", " why did they make him wear a horrid oxygen mask that blew into his lungs at 80 miles an hour", " did he realise he was dying", " did we do everything right at the end? Make the right decisions?" I'm now finding it harder than ever and feel like I'm going to have a panic attack when I think about him. I wonder if I've suppressed my emotions and worry if I let go I'm going to fall apart . I was a complete daddy's girl , he was my world . I am very lucky to have a wonderful partner who I met 2 years ago and don't know what I would have done without him . My dad had COPD and we were told he died because his lungs could not expell the carbon dioxide anymore . He was a heavy smoker and deep down we all knew he didn't have long left . I just buried my head in the sand and refused to believe how ill he looked at the end . I have wrote this after a bad night and writing this hopefully will help me sleep now . Goodnight dad . I miss you so much . I love you x

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Apr 23, 2013
If only I could have one more day
by: Leticia

Thank you Lisa, I pray and hope we all could get through these terrible times. As my grandmother used to say. The people that leave in peace, it's the love ones that suffer the loss. I will continue and pray for us all for strength to get us all through these times. God bless all of you. I know we will with time.

Apr 21, 2013
Thank you
by: Lisa

To Doreen, Leticia & Lesley, thank you so much for your kind words . Im so sorry to you all for your losses and my heart goes out to you. Doreen I can understand how hard it must have been for you hearing your husband asking you those questions. The nurse told us at the time that my dad would feel great comfort at his family being by his side as im sure your husband did with you too. Its good to hear that these terrible last memories that are left with us do fade in time. There is not a day goes by that I dont think about them at the moment . I too have had 3 dreams about him and he is alive and looks younger/well. He talks to me about different things and I wake up feeling really happy and that ive got to see him again followed by saddness that it was in fact just a dream. Leticia , deep sympathy to you, may you find strength as a family to get through your difficult time... I could only imagine...life can be cruel ((((hugs)))Lesley ,you know the pain of seeing the effects of COPD and I agree when you say life has changed forever. I remember saying to my sister "my life will never ever be quite as happy without my dad in it". I was flicking through my camera pictures today and there popped up one of my dad holding my day old little baby girl with him looking into the camera with a huge smile on his face.If only I could be back there again ,taking that picture.I will upload that picture sometime soon. May time heal us all and ease our sorrow . Sharing my loss and hearing simular experiances ,although would rather noone have to go through anything like this, does help to make me understand a little more that what im going through is normal.I guess the key is taking one day at a time and finding the strength to get through it . Thank you again kind ladies and ,God bless x

Apr 20, 2013
If only I could have one more day..hour...minute...with my dad
by: Doreen U.K.

Lisa I am sorry for your loss of your dad. You are normal. What you are facing is RAW GRIEF. I lost my husband of 44yrs. to MESOTHELIOMA which is Lung cancer caused by working with asbestos. Which was incurable, inoperable, and aggressive. I nursed him for 3yrs.39days. when He died almost 1yr. ago 5th May 2012. I still feel as if I am just starting my grief journey. As if my emotions and feelings have been frozen and I am now thawing out and feeling more. None of us knows how and when to grieve. This will come on suddenly. Panic attacks are common. It is a shock waking up to find out what you thought was just a dream is in fact reality. It will take a long time for any of us to recover into healing from our grief. It is SLOW. PAINFUL. Feels as if it will go on forever.
My husband knew he was going to die. I had to look into his face and watch his face crumple and he would say "I don't want to die." "I wonder what it feels like." It was sheer agony sitting with him and trying to do my best for him.
Lisa it has only been 6 weeks for you having lost your father and much too early for you to expect your life to get back to normal. None of us knows what to expect from grief and we just let it unfold and listen to other's experiences realizing what you are facing is normal and you are not expected to just get over it, even if other people think you should get over it, they are wrong. You will have strange feelings and dreams. You may even feel in a surreal state as if this death didn't take place and you are dreaming. I felt as if I was in a different world. Numb. Frozen. Panic. It is a very difficult journey to go on each day wondering when you will feel whole and O.K. to go on in life without pain coursing through your body. This was your father a precious part of your life now gone. You may have the last dying moments in your mind for some time. I have had so many dreams of my husband and he is still alive. And only now some of the last memories of living with cancer is now fading a little. The emptiness and lonliness you will feel for some time. But TIME is a healer and it is this TIME that we wait on for our Healing.

Apr 19, 2013
If only I could have one more day..min..hr
by: Leticia

Our prayers go out to you all. I loss my father 6 years ago. It was so devasting to us all. He was a great father to all 8 children and worked very hard to keep us all feed and clothes. My mother loved him and I had a happy childhood. The day he died I will never forget. He had heart disease and knew he didn't have much time. I just loss my oldest son of three children and that has been the worse painful thing any parent should have to lose. He was a single father of five and a great father and did everything for his kids when wasn't working. I loss him in a car accident from a heart attack and died insteadly. I can't grieving knowing I'll never see or hear his voice again and my poor grandkids. So please keeping praying and having the faith we will united with each other again. Grieving mom

Apr 19, 2013
If only things could go back....what wouldn't I give...
by: lesley

Your words and thoughts echo mine, as does the pain you feel and the questions you are asking yourself. I too lost my husband in June 2012 to COPD. It was and is the most traumatic thing losing someone you love,watching them struggle and still selfishly wanting them to stay.How do you cope? I still relive those final days, they are lasting memories...my daughter is going through the same emotions, totally lost without her dad, the person who loved her unconditionally, guided her through life into the wonderful, supportive person she is today. Like you, we are trying to be strong, but how do we come through this pain, how do we move through a world that has changed forever? I wish I knew.

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