If tears could built a stairway and memories a Lane, I walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again ~
Home sweet Home, Arkansas
I've been thinking a lot lately. Good or bad it doesn't make a difference, it enters my brain and I'm lost because I can't control it. I'm remembering things from yesterday and thing's we did years ago. The one year anniversary is coming and I'm in a state of panic. Why I ask myself. Because myself tells me it puts him farther away, me farther away from him. The other night before I when to bed I noticed that as in each night I pull the blankets back on my side of the bed only. His side is still made and when I lay in bed my arms are reached to his side again and again searching for something I can no longer have. Then in my mind I'm thinking and talking to him, remember the times, the touches and his warm body that I snuggled up against each night just before I drifted off to sleep.
Now, I can't sleep, I'm remembering everything and anything that use to be our lives. 1:00, turns into 2:00 and I remind myself I have to work in the morning and tell myself ~ I mean really say out loud ~ OK Pat, you've got work in the morning... go to sleep". I can't get around it. Its the same process I go through each night. So does this pass? Only time will tell....
1 year, I'm trying to look at it as his 1 year anniversary with his mother that he missed so much, 1 year walking tall, no pain and with God. I'm jealous because he's with them and not with me. So I cry again, open another box of tissues and make myself do what needs to be done that day. It's day to day, week to week, month to month and soon to be a year. I don't know but the 1 year scares me. I'm getting stronger each day I know but for who? Me??? I don't count. There's no one else I want to be with but Billy so who's counting??? I guess me ~ 1 year...
1 Step, 1 breath at a time ~