If tears could built a stairway and memories a Lane, I walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again ~

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

Home sweet Home, Arkansas

Home sweet Home, Arkansas

I've been thinking a lot lately. Good or bad it doesn't make a difference, it enters my brain and I'm lost because I can't control it. I'm remembering things from yesterday and thing's we did years ago. The one year anniversary is coming and I'm in a state of panic. Why I ask myself. Because myself tells me it puts him farther away, me farther away from him. The other night before I when to bed I noticed that as in each night I pull the blankets back on my side of the bed only. His side is still made and when I lay in bed my arms are reached to his side again and again searching for something I can no longer have. Then in my mind I'm thinking and talking to him, remember the times, the touches and his warm body that I snuggled up against each night just before I drifted off to sleep.
Now, I can't sleep, I'm remembering everything and anything that use to be our lives. 1:00, turns into 2:00 and I remind myself I have to work in the morning and tell myself ~ I mean really say out loud ~ OK Pat, you've got work in the morning... go to sleep". I can't get around it. Its the same process I go through each night. So does this pass? Only time will tell....
1 year, I'm trying to look at it as his 1 year anniversary with his mother that he missed so much, 1 year walking tall, no pain and with God. I'm jealous because he's with them and not with me. So I cry again, open another box of tissues and make myself do what needs to be done that day. It's day to day, week to week, month to month and soon to be a year. I don't know but the 1 year scares me. I'm getting stronger each day I know but for who? Me??? I don't count. There's no one else I want to be with but Billy so who's counting??? I guess me ~ 1 year...
1 Step, 1 breath at a time ~

Comments for If tears could built a stairway and memories a Lane, I walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again ~

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Apr 20, 2011
the one year mark
by: Judy


If you ask any of us here who has passed the one year anniversary mark, we will tell you it is awful. It is agony to wait for it, and painful to realize it is gone and nothing is different from the day before. Everything you have said in this post is exactly how it is, the emptiness, the ache to hold him again, the loneliness that just wraps around your every thought and action. But know this, as tough as it is, you will get through it and be stronger for having endured it. This awful pain and loneliness must be the building blocks of our new lives, our foundation for handling whatever is to come. So hang on. You will make it through the day, tears or no tears, and you'll come out the other side. And as always we will be here for you. Sending an enormous sisterly hug from Florida,


Apr 20, 2011
If tears could build a stairway
by: Annie

Patricia. You do count. Anyone who could allow themselves to love their spouse like you do, does count. He loved you and doesn?t that count for something? Be easy on yourself and love yourself like he loved and cared about you. I am hitting the four month mark and do ask myself why wasn?t I the one to go but have to accept that it wasn?t my time. So I try to start each day being positive and up beat but have to admit I don?t succeed most of the time. That is okay cause I am this person who has these strong emotions attacking me minute by minute, hour by hour, and day by day. This grief is the worst thing I have gone through but if I had a chance to do it all over again and knowing I would lose my husband, I would still choose to meet, love, marry and spend 31 years with him. I know that in the future my wonderful memories of him and our life together will be so much stronger than this grief. I am so honored I had him in my life. Trust me I know how hard it is and how much harder it is going to be but I keep telling myself I am not alone--I have all of you on this site. Keep posting because it does help us ?newbies? and you do count in my life.

Apr 20, 2011
I know...
by: cousin

I'm feeling blue too. Sucks doesn't it?

Apr 20, 2011
I'm Jealous Too
by: TrishJ

How brave you were to write those words that you are jealous because Billy is with his family and not with you. I tried for months to convince myself that I'm happy for Joe. He's with his mom and dad and his best friend who was like a brother to him. I actually felt a twinge of jealousy one day. I thought, "Ya...he's up there partying with them and I'm here to deal with the overwhelming pain and loneliness. I guess that's normal (the jealousy thing). We're only human.
You're a little further along in this ugly journey than I am. It's been 4 1/2 months for me.
I know that many dark days lay ahead. I think I'm half way expecting to wake up one day and say, "OK that's done....now I can move on." I know that's not realistic.
I thank God for this site and all the courageous people who post their hearts and souls on a daily basis. It has really helped to keep me sane. I think the best we can do is just try to find a little good in each day. That's almost impossible to do on just a few hours sleep isn't it? I know the feeling well and all the infomercials.
You do count. Billy counted you and counted on you. You know they would both still be here had the choice been there's. Some days that gives me such strength (to know he would still be here if he could've) other days it tears my heart to shreds.
We will endure......
one breath, one step at a time.

Apr 20, 2011
We are here for you...


I know how hard it is as you cross that year mark. Memories swirl in you mind over and over making it difficult to complete the simplest of tasks. I had not asked for help or grief counceling yet on the year mark I went to the counceling center wanting help right then and there. Of course the next apt. was 6 weeks out.
I was out of my mind with grief, I need to talk to someone now! In 6 weeks it may be a good day and why would I want to come in then and ruin a good day?

I do not know if you are working that day but I suggest you take the day off. I did not know what the year mark would bring but I did know that I wanted to be alone for probable meltdowns.

You have come So far, I have been here with you your whole grief ride. It does not become instantly easier when you hit the year mark, it forces you back where you do not want to be.

I thought that if I make it a year I would be o.k and now at month 15 heading towards the 16th I still have setbacks. Recover time is easier though. Instead of bawling I sigh and go on.

I will be taking Our/My son to a base ball game tomorrow. Last Summer I publicly had several meltdowns at the Richmond Flying Squirrels game.

Paul never got to see a game after the Richmond Braves left to go back to GA. All the memories were unbearable last year. I hope that I can conduct myself better this season. We are all with you through your grief. You can count on us now. You gather your strength from within and when you feel weak. Come here We will listen always...

Apr 20, 2011
by: M Mack


You are still grieving and you're subconscious is making sure you don't miss any part of it. We miss the comfort of being so loved no matter what we do or say to our sweethearts. I miss all the little things you mentioned. The snuggling in bed, the places we went, everything about him. It's lonely for me too and I want to be with him in the worst way.

I don't know why the anniversary date is so frightening but as the 23rd of April approaches, the 9th month, I feel so deeply saddened. I hate that day and when it comes, I'm so down I can't help it. I'm deep in thought, very emotional and the tears come out of nowhere.

Pat, I pray so hard everyday asking God to lighten our pain. I've never lost my faith and I do think it has helped me personally. I guess the only thing we have is ourselves to really control our emotions, help us heal. I believe for some of us here, we need more time. Let's be patient and hopefully we will all see some reprieve from our grief. Love to all going through this painful journey.

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