by Tyler Becker

To be honest Im not sure which month exactly either one of my Grandparents died. I lost both of them over a 6 month period. I simply tried to push them further back into my mind. I believe I ultimately failed them in the end. In both of their deaths i had the opportunity to be with them. I could have made them a priority but I never did. To this day I still don't know what causes me to push death out of my mind. The urgency of losing a loved one doesn't ever seem to be prevalent when needed. I did love them, I did care very much for them, thats why Im writing this now. My brain has this trapped inside and no outlets but this.
My guilt is a slight lingering. Never truly there so I can confront it, but alway a constant through out my days. I feel I ignored them in the last moments i had with them. This isn't a
"I dont know what to do, Im so sad", but more so "How can i live with myself, a man who leaves his grandparents dying alone with no remorse in his mind until after the fact." I had so many questions, and so many opportunities to ask. My Grandfather flew up from florida to NJ for two reasons. To stay close to family, and to see his grandchildren. In a 2 month period, within a 15min drive I only visited him twice. My grandmother passed before him, cancer. I left for home 3 days before she died. I chose to leave early. I wanted to go home, I was home sick. My self hate is overwhelming. I just felt writing this was necessary in the process of letting go.
Thank you

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Mar 07, 2014
by: Jolynn

My son's name was Tyler...great name. Tyler, try not to be so hard on yourself. We almost always go thru a period of guilt when someone close dies. We wish we could have spent more time or said more things. Young people live for the moment. It is okay that you saw them only the times that you did. We instinctively don't like being around death or dying and we try to put such things out of our minds as though not dealing with it will make it go away. I did not spend time with my grandfather either and it made me feel guilty for awhile but I was busy living an active life and seeing him was so sad. It sounds selfish but there is self preservation and denial attached to it. You are just a normal young man and having guilt shows you are sensitive and have feelings. I am sure they knew you loved them. You sound like a caring young man. Maybe one day you will see them again. Try to remember them the healthy way they were and recall the good times that u did share with them. Let go of your despair...surely they would not want you to feel so terrible and be so hard on yourself. It's good that you reached out and verbalized your feelings. Keeping it all to yourself would only prolong your troubled heart. By discussing how you feel, you are processing the grief and your feelings.

Mar 07, 2014
by: Doreen UK

Tyler it is part of our human condition to make mistakes and to be so pre-occupied with this fast, busy, complex life that we can all ignore our family many times over. WE get in a rut and life just goes on.
We have life for a reason. We were meant to be here and we are meant to enjoy life to the full. Now ENJOY LIFE can mean many things to each of us. If we thought of death often we would become morbid and people would not want to be around us. I lost my husband to cancer 22 months ago, and since then I have talked non stop about death. I think it is O.K. for me because I am of an age when we plan for our dying. Putting things in place so our loved one's have less to do with our funeral arrangements. No one wants to think of dying and death till it comes. Even when my husband was dying of cancer he didn't want to talk of death. When he was in the hospice and the chaplain came in talking of death he had the chaplain thrown out and told the nurse not to let him back in. People handle things differently and often not as one wants to because death brings fear because death is SO FINAL. Don't be so hard on yourself. Perhaps many of us feel the same way you do, but it is no use punishing ourselves when the loved one's we have lost cannot be affected by our feelings of guilt. I am a mother of 3 Adult children and I wish I could see them more but they all have their own busy lives. My mother died 11yrs. ago. I remember her rushing to the bus station to get a timetable so I could come down and visit her. I never made it. She died. But I am happy that I spent a week with her the previous year to her death. That gave me the strength that I did manage to spend some time with her. There were times I could have phoned more often, but there were complex discussions I would rather not have heard so I phoned less often. I hope in time that you will let go of your guilt. I struggled all my life with trying to LET GO of things I needed to not bother with. So I went into counselling. Resolved a lot of my life issues and I find it easier letting go of guilt and establishing boundaries that make life better. I am sorry for your loss of your grandparents.

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