by Tyler Becker
To be honest Im not sure which month exactly either one of my Grandparents died. I lost both of them over a 6 month period. I simply tried to push them further back into my mind. I believe I ultimately failed them in the end. In both of their deaths i had the opportunity to be with them. I could have made them a priority but I never did. To this day I still don't know what causes me to push death out of my mind. The urgency of losing a loved one doesn't ever seem to be prevalent when needed. I did love them, I did care very much for them, thats why Im writing this now. My brain has this trapped inside and no outlets but this.
My guilt is a slight lingering. Never truly there so I can confront it, but alway a constant through out my days. I feel I ignored them in the last moments i had with them. This isn't a
"I dont know what to do, Im so sad", but more so "How can i live with myself, a man who leaves his grandparents dying alone with no remorse in his mind until after the fact." I had so many questions, and so many opportunities to ask. My Grandfather flew up from florida to NJ for two reasons. To stay close to family, and to see his grandchildren. In a 2 month period, within a 15min drive I only visited him twice. My grandmother passed before him, cancer. I left for home 3 days before she died. I chose to leave early. I wanted to go home, I was home sick. My self hate is overwhelming. I just felt writing this was necessary in the process of letting go.