I'm 54 and have lost 2 spouses

by Maryann
(United States)

I'm 54 and have lost 2 husbands. I married my first husband when we were both 21. We had two children together. He was an alcoholic and a few years after our divorce he was diagnosed with throat cancer and was no longer able to eat or drink by mouth. He was found dead with an empty vodka bottle next to him. We were married for 13 years. I never really got over that. I still love him to this day. I have been married to my second husband for over 18 years and was in the process of getting a divorce. We have a 16 year old son. We split up about a year ago (March 3rd, 2013) and I hadn't talked to him since. He lived 20 minutes away from me at his mothers house. On March 3rd, 2014, exactly 1 year to the day since he left our home, he left his mothers house on foot, taking only a gun with him and he's not been heard from since. Over two weeks have past and his whole family is certain he committed suicide. He wrote "I love you, Dad" on the back of two of our sons photos, dated the day he left. He left without his wallet that had money in it. He couldn't find a job and I'm sure was very depressed. I feel so sad and alone and have even thought about suicide myself but could never hurt my family that way. We are sure he's gone but have no idea where. It's a horrible thing to live with. I've read many of the stories on here and understand grief all too well. If you are considering suicide please don't for the sake of your loved ones. My 3 kids are my whole reason for living. Every day, for the rest of my life, I expect to grieve for both my husbands. Thanks for reading this and God bless you.

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Mar 25, 2014
by: Michael

Maryanne, Please continue on with your life in the best of your ability. Wishing you to find closure in your most recent loss. I lost my stepson one year ago to drug and alcohol overdose as well as prescribed medicines which had a fatal synergistic effect. My prayers are with you. Michael in Denver Colorado

Mar 21, 2014
Deepest sympathy
by: Lawrence

What a horror story and my heart bleeds for you.
I can only imagine the agony you are in, losing one and not knowing if the other is dead or alive, I’m sure you must think you are dreaming and hope to wake up., but this is real life and you just have to wait and accept the results
When I am really down I repeat over and over to myself my mantra “THIS TOO WILL PASS” and needless to say it does, you will get through this. and the grief will lessen as the weeks and months pass.
I had a shocking year in 2012, I lost a very precious wife on Christmas Day after being together for nearly seventy years in a wonderful blissful marriage, she died in the blink of an eye, one minute talking the next dying and then my twenty one year old grandson went for a bath and just died, no warning he just passed from this world to the next.
The grief was indescribable and the fact that I am writing this to you shows, no matter how bad you feel at present you will adjust, as I did when truthfully I didn’t want to live and spend my few remaining years without her, but as I said, I am here now offering you sympathy and solace so life does go on regardless.
Read all our stories on this website and know you are not alone; we are all suffering intense grief after losing a loved one.
Get all the help you can, doctor, counselling, prayer, friends, don’t be afraid to ask for help.
With deepest sympathy.

Mar 20, 2014
I'm 54 and have lost 2 spouses
by: Doreen UK

Maryanne I am sorry for your loss of your first husband and for the loss of your second husband who is missing, and presumed dead. You are in such agony, and in a very hard place right now. You need as much support as you can so you are not alone with the worry and concern about your second husband missing. Just don't beat yourself up because you separated and divorced. Your second husband probably went over the edge due to the loss of his job and the depression it caused him. When a man loses his job he loses his sense of identity as his job would have given him his identity and self esteem. The same thing happened to my nephew at 30yrs. of age and he threw himself in front of an express train 9yrs. ago. Life hurts us so much by what trials we bear, and so does death. These will be very difficult days and months ahead for you. Taking one day at a time will help you move forward in time. You will one day Heal enough to rebuild your life and recover from your grief and loss of 2 spouses. At 54yrs. you must make strides into making each day better for yourself and build yourself up each day till life gets better. Counsellors are skilled to help you rebuild your life. Use them if you have to. You won't feel so alone with good support. Again I am so sorry for your loss and the grief you bear.

Mar 20, 2014
I'm 54 and have lost 2 spouses
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Dear Maryann.
I am so very sorry for the cross you are bearing right now. My husband was a recovered alcoholic and I remember people telling me, God never gives us more than we can handle, yet, I often said, how much more God. By the grace of God, my husband was a recovered alcoholic. That term recovered alcoholic; to me is wrong, because everyday was a challenge for him. He was always just one drink away. Yet, I thanked him every chance I could, thanking him for the greatest gift he gave me when he stopped drinking. I hurt for you.
One of my brother-in-laws died from cancer of the esaphagus. What a horrible death; he was 51. My husband of 46 years, died June 27, 2011. He was 67, the age I am now. He will be gone 3 years. He had a massive heart attack; one minute I am talking to him and then he is gone. It seems like yesterday. I have slowly learned how to go on without him. I will always love him. He is now one of my guardian angels. I will always carry him in my heart. His body died, but his spirit will always be with me.
The unknown has to be the worst. I can only imagine the HELL you are going through. Your husband is in his own personal hell and if he took his life,you are so very right; you have to be there for your children. But they can also be your strength. When my husband died, he took part of me with him. I wanted to die; standing over his grave, I asked God to take me too. My 5 adult children knew how I felt. They told me they and my grandchildren needed me. They lost their dad and grandpa(Pa,pa, as the grandchildren called him) I needed to be here for them. They are my reason for living. Your children are your reason for living; they are a gift from God.
You are going to have many days ahead where you feel like you are living in a fog. Get grief support; it really helped me. There are many groups out there for free. Do not try to do this alone. You owe it to yourself. Be good to yourself. Do things you enjoy. In the beginning; I often said, I was faking it until I could make it. I am making it and I am no longer faking it.
I don't know how your faith in God is, but we all have a higher power watching over us. I know my God has carried me many times in my life.
Know you are NOT ALONE.

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