I'm crying....

by tanya willis
(Royal Palm Beach, Florida, USA)

kyle in his typical attire :)

kyle in his typical attire :)

kyle in his typical attire :)
kyle with his dog Sheeba
Kyle with Madison and Kendall (sisters)
kyle with me (his mom) <3

Click on each photo to enlarge.

How do you title a story about your loss? I am just sitting here crying today. Just wishing that it didn't happen. How could it? Why to me? Why to him? I lost my 20 yr old son, Kyle Lloyd James, a little over 5 months ago. I have been heartbroken ever since. It is the worst loss. I do realize, many others have had the same, but until it happens to you, you just can't understand the sadness and the loss.

Kyle had a motorcycle accident around 2 am while driving downtown to meet either friends from work (he worked at Blue Martini as a bus boy/bar back), or a girl. He was the only one involved. He lost control of the bike and it started 'tank slapping', according to the police. No one really knows exactly what happened.

I think I'm lucky that someone didn't murder him or run him off the road or cause him to have the accident. At least, I don't have anyone else to be angry or mad at. I just wish it didn't happen.

Right now, I'm wondering why and where God is and how am I supposed to believe that 'God is great'. How?? How am I supposed to believe that I will see my son one day...How?? THe saddest thing is to realize that we cannot make anymore memories with our child. No more trips, no more pictures, no more conversations, no more texts, no more dinners, no more vacations.... although we will ALWAYS love them and they will be in our hearts forever.

He was a very HAPPY kid. Why did it have to happen? He still lived at home and was going to the Palm Beach State College. He wasn't sure what he was going to do, but the last time he told me it was to be a promoter for a band. I always told him to go after something he was passionate about. He told me that he loved music and liked to help people so that he would try to help promote bands.

He was a great kid. Always smiling and very optimistic. His father passed away 2 years before and his step dad who helped raise him for 14 years abandoned him after we got divorced. He still had me and we did lots of things together. We ran in 5k races and had a special one planned in Nov, 2011. The Muddy Buddy. It is a race where you ride and run and do obstacles in between. Kyle was just getting into the running. He was also getting into being healthy.
As I write this, I think that it should be in 'his space' and not mine.

Back to me... Well, I am so sad, so heartbroken, but try to keep busy with work and meetings, etc. I also have an 11 yr old daughter. I have to be strong for her. She loved her brother. He was her idol. I also have an 18 yr old step daughter. I am so lucky to have her. She was very close to her brother. She has experienced a tremendous loss also. We also have Kyle's dog. SHe is a 3 yr old red dobie, that we bought for Kyle on his 18th birthday as a surprise. Dogs are great because they give unconditional love and support to you.

Back to me... I'm divorced and have been for 3 yrs now. It is hard not having anyone to share this grief with.
Love to all that read our stories.... Tanya

Comments for I'm crying....

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Dec 10, 2011
crystal tears
by: forevertabby

I crashed in october, mom and dad crash sometimes. feeling are confusing and nothing is ever clear. He is a part of you, like Nate is a part of me.

Life is not over, and thoughts of God I always deffer them. I choose to feel connected to Nathan. I take his views to be part of my conscious what I should are shouldn't do, I want to know he would be proud to call me his sister.

It sucks and it hurts. there really is no upside... except he was here. Nathan was here for 19 years and 9 days (though I only saw 14 of them), he has been part my life for 19 years one month and one day tommorrow and the day after as long as I live Nathan's memory will help me live my life. I wish he was here... but i also want to love life like he did, he wouldn't be proud of a girl who only cryed (but I still do cry).

Apr 04, 2011
I'm crying all the time also
by: Anonymous

I lost my son just over a year ago and the crying seems even worse now than in the first year. My son suffered for 2 years knowing he would die and I have to say for him it would have saved so much pain to go quickly. He does have a wife and children and he was able to prepare them.The pain is constant - I see him all the time and I imagine it is the same for his wife and children altho they have to move on. I never will. I live in your area in florida .

Mar 28, 2011
The New Normal
by: Anonymous

I lost my 36yr. old son to suicide on Sept 20,2010. He turned 36 on Aug 7,2010 so I was spared for a little while. We went through Thanksgiving & Christmas & the the New Year, seems so foggy hardly remember those days except for the pain of not having our son here to share the Holidays. We still have a lot first coming up. Father's Day, his birthday etc. It's been 6 months I cry everyday & I'm sad more than I'm happy. You are 100% right when you say the terrible thing about a sudden death is not being able to say goodbye. I have been told a sudden death by way of accident is very similar to suicide, it's unexpected & violent & leaves the family shocked, broken & always asking why. Why our children. I have stopped asking God. I can only believe my son is at peace now & one day I will walk the streets of gold with him. Our children will never be forgotten, they will stay in our hearts forever. Our journey through this life will be at times more then we think we can handle but we must live on for our children, I don't believe they would want us to go through in the shape we are in now,they would want us to smile when we think of them not cry. This my friend is one of hardest things we will probably ever endure. May we all that have lost a child find peace. My Prayers & Thoughts are with you.

Mar 28, 2011
Thanks
by: Tanya (kyle's mom)

Thanks for your comments and suggestions. I am in compassionate friends in west palm beach and it is a good group. I'm actually getting along ok but have my good days and my bad/sad days. It is just hard to wrap your mind around it because your heart doesn't want to.

I can't imagine the pain it must be going thru a lengthy illness, but on a selfish note you at least got to say goodbye.
That is the worst thing about an accident where your loved one dies instantly. He passed away on 10.19.10. Right before all the winter holidays and his 21st birthday. I got hit with Halloween, thanksgiving, Xmas, new years, and then his 21st bday on feb 8th. All within 3 months. Somehow I made it. The hardest was his birthday which he had been looking forward to for about 5 years. :). We were planning to go to las Vegas for it. Plus we had plans to go skiing for Xmas. Such a disappointment to not get to enjoy those with Kyle.

Thanks for listening.

Mar 26, 2011
Talk to Heaven
by: Patti

Tanya~
My heart breaks for you. When my husband Joe died this past December I spent the first two months feeling sorry for myself and doubting my faith in God. I would think, "How do I know there is really an after life? How do I know he's in heaven and I will see him again some day?" My good friend recommended the book, "Talking to Heaven." It is written by a psychic medium about the after life (from a religious standpoint). I kept praying and begging for God to give me a sign that my husband was OK. After reading the book I realize I have been getting little signs all along. I was looking for the wrong thing.
The pain never goes away. We just grow as people and learn to accept and live with it. Things will never be the same and we can't expect them to be. I wondered how long it would take me to feel "normal" again. I will never feel the old normal I felt when my husband was alive. They call it a "new normal." Life without our loved one. I'm only four months into my grief and most days are not enjoyable right now. We just take it one breath, one step at a time.

Mar 26, 2011
I'm crying too
by: Shirley

Losing a child is horrible. Every single day after, every single breath hurts....it just hurts. No one around you can understand. I live in a fog that never seems to clear. I too lost a son. He died August 8th, 2010. He was such a brave kid. He was only 23 years old and like your son he still lived at home. He was attending college, coaching youth basketball and being a great big brother to his little sister and a great little brother to his big sister and two big brothers. He was my baby boy. Unlike your son, he didn't die in an accident. I had to watch him slowly die for two years from an illness that no one could identify. First his liver failed and he needed a liver transplant. Then he developed aplastic anemia. Then he got an infection in his colon, went into septic shock and almost died. He was on a ventilator for 8 days. When he woke up I had to tell him that he had an ileostomy bag. That was only 10 weeks after his transplant. After that we had to drive 100 miles round trip at least twice a week for his blood transfusions because his bone marrow had stopped working. He had another surgery 6 months later to reverse the ileostomy. Finally, we realized that his bone marrow wasn't going to get better so we decided to do a bone marrow transplant. His little sister was a perfect match. Six weeks before the transplant he started having shoulder pain. Bad pain. Turns out he now had acute myeloid leukemia. By then he was very weak from all the other health issues. He died ten weeks after his diagnosis with AML. He died as I held him and sang a baby song to him that I sang to him when he was an infant.
Now I just survive knowing that each day that goes by is a day that I'm closer to being with him.
I recommend Compassionate Friends if you feel you need to be with other parents who have been there, done that. I go every month. It's been a blessing for me.
I am sending hugs your way. I'm sorry we are both in this horrible "club".

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