i"m dying inside

I feel like I can't keep going. I am dying inside. For every step forward, there are at least eight backward. I am having a bad day, a really bad day. I am crying and I can not stop crying. There was good in my day and probably a lot more good than many people have in their lives, that I recognize. I worked and enjoyed it, I did some social things and enjoyed them, my daughter had some great news and I heard from my other children on this day. Why am I so sad? I am sad because I am alone. I am blessed with the support of family and friends and yet I feel like I can't keep going.

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May 24, 2013
I"m dying inside
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Anonymous dying inside. I am sorry for your loss and for the place you still find yourself in. Don't ever apologise for venting or the way you feel. Give yourself permission to feel whichever way you feel at this moment. Don't do what you don't want to do until you are ready to do it. And don't let anyone tell you where you ought to be and that you should move on. They haven't a clue where you are in your grief and how bad it is for you now. Be Angry with God. He can take it. He understands what you are going through and is with you in it. I was angry with God for taking my husband away. I couldn't help myself, and I didn't want to be angry with God BUT I WAS. God knew it before I did which is why he can forgive us this anger. It is normal anger. God is our Saviour and we just can't understand why He did't save our Loved one's. God created us. He created the Family, marriage, and woman for man. So I guess God is the only one who can help us. He is our HEALER. Healing is such a slow process. I know Pain purifies us but this is one pain I could do without. Married 44yrs. all lost. No retirement or "US" time. We will feel we are dying inside for a long time. Death is not something we can recover from. We just get used to it in time. My Prayers go out to you and to everyone in grief. May God Comfort you/us all in our sorrow and Pain and help us to cope with the days ahead of us till we can find ourselves in a more sane and stable place.

May 23, 2013
To I'm Dying Inside
by: Anonymous

I have read your post and from others who have lost their spouses, Dads, Moms and other loved ones. I am 6 months into the journey and the roller coaster ride that we were told about is one awful ride! I am so sorry for all of you--everyone--who have lost a loved one as I truly know how you feel. I am having such a difficult time with my anger and resentment that keeps surfacing. I am angry with God for taking my husband, my adult kids Dad and my grandchildren's Pop away from us and then, because I know God makes no mistakes and loves us, I feel guilty. I see other couples who have each other and life is just going on happily for them---but wasn't that the way I was also? Happily going along because this terror or grief had not hit me yet! It wasn't my turn and I was so glad about that! We do not know another's pain or sorrow until we are in that place and live it. Many people soon forget what we are going though and want us to 'pull ourselves up by the boot straps and get on with the way we were before' I am resentful of this way of thinking and I don't have any use for their 'tying to tell me how I should feel"! I am venting here and I apologize for that but I would rather these cherry happy 'do good' people would just be quiet, give me time and space to find my way out of this dark sad hole' To all of you who are going along this same road, whether it be a loss of spouse, child, parent, sibling or any loved one, I pray for God to give you comfort this night.

May 08, 2013
dying inside
by: silver

The love of my life will be gone 2 yrs this month.Prior to that this is what happened:My father died Dec.09,my best(female friend of 28 yrs died May 29,10,my mother died June 10,11 months later on May 29,11 my husband of 33 yrs died.DON'T EVER LET ANYONE TELL YOU TO "GET OVER IT ALREADY". I still cry often.I'm crying now as I type.I miss him so very much.We were the best of friends.We had our troubles like all couples do but we loved UNCONDITIONALLY.We felt that if GOD could love us this way so could we.We went out for our anniversary dinner on May 22 and he was in ICU on a respirator by Tuesday the 24th.I prayed over him every time I saw him. I told him I loved him over and over and begged him to fight and stay with me.I cried and held him often.I asked GOD to let him stay but for his will to be done.He was so weak and even if he had recovered he might have lived a few more weeks. GOD knew what he was doing when he took him home.HE knew that he would have suffered more and so would I.Still I miss his smile,his sense of humor,his loving touches and just his presence. Just to know he would be there when I woke up.I felt that all of my support group was gone.(my father,mother,friend,my youngest sister(she died 2001) and my best friend-my darling husband.I still feel so alone sometimes.I go out sometimes but it is by myself.My 4 sons(3 wives & grandchildren)try to keep me up but they work and have their lives.I didn't think I would make it through 1 yr let alone 2.I go to church and that helps.I still have some bad days.What has helped me the most (besides praying) is remembering him by talking about him.I will catch myself saying,"Jack would have loved that." or something like that.I keep reminders of him all over.Some people think grief is on a timeline and certain things happen in a certain order.WRONG!!! The only thing that should be constant is to continue going on.Our loved ones would not want us to give up.I found my hardest days were at the 15 month mark.So grieve however long & however you need to.Please just keep loving and going on.May GOD bless you and give you peace.I send you love and support also.I read in a book on grief that you don't need to apologize to anyone for talking or showing grief about your loved one.If they are truly your friend they will support you.

Apr 14, 2013
My husband was love, my best friend
by: Doreen U.K.

I echo your feelings and the way you expressed yourself Is how I feel and couldn't say it the way you did.
We don't want to feel the way we do. BUT WE DO. Our grief and loss feels like an assault on our body and we ache so much we could scream. But can't. I feel like beating on the chest of God and telling HIM. "IT HURTS." "I don't want to feel like this but I DO." God. "How are you going to make it better for all of us each day who have lost a loved one?" "We can't die." and "We don't want to live." because we have lost everything.
God created marriage, God created the family, and God created companionship. God created woman for man so God clearly has a responsibility in our grief and our healing. All I can do for myself is to lean on God otherwise nothing makes sense in what I go through each day in my loss FOREVER.
As you say. this is what we feel in human terms each day we live. "I have no one to talk to" "I feel shattered" "I am devastated" you say "I know I will move forward whether I want to or not" "But I don't know how to get there? How long will it take?" the sentiments you expressed say. When does it stop or get better? I hate to be like this every day with such pain coursing through my body that life makes no sense. This is deep expression from the soul that we may all feel all of the time or some of the time. But most of us can say we have felt like this or still feel like this. Thank you to the person who wrote this post. It caused me to express grief I couldn't, because it put into word what I couldn't say. I hope God wraps his comfort and Love around you and your days ahead will get easier, as your try to find your way back from your loss.

Apr 13, 2013
My husband was love, my best friend
by: Anonymous

We drove to work together, we drove home together. We shopped together, we cleaned together, we were always together.

We texted each other every day like love struck teenagers. He loved to put emoticons in his texts. Sometime all I would get is that smiley with hearts for eyes. We spoke several times a day. We both ride bikes and the last day, I decided to sleep an extra 15 minutes, so he rode his motorcycle to work. We chatted throughout the day.

I vividly remember him walking to his office, on the phone with me, probably in a hurry because I was waiting for him to bring me his gym bag so he wouldn't have to pack it on the bike, waving as he disappeared to get it. He came to the car, there were other people around talking about his motorcycle waiting for me to give them a ride to the gate. He put the bag in the trunk, put his helmet on, I got in the car and headed toward the gate. He went to pass me, rolling on the throttle, leaned over and then the curb came.

He was right in front of me, I saw the tail light flash as he tried to slow down, the sand made him loose and then the bags flew. The side bags flew and tumbled, a big cloud of dust and I knew it was bad. I said "this is bad"…

I stopped the car and ran to him. The horn of the bike was blaring, he was lying on his stomach. I looked into his eyes and I could tell he was gone. He was gone.

He still is. He will be for the rest of my life.

I am here in our apartment, the bedroom is dark. I can't sleep in the bed where he kissed me goodbye for the last time.

I have no one to talk to anymore. We talked about everything together, whats on tv, the weather, work, the car, the children, the grandchildren.

So I am here. Writing my story. It helps. I really don't want to talk to anyone. I know they mean well, but its hard to tell anyone how I feel and they really don't want to know anyway.

I am shattered. I am devastated. I don't understand how another day passes when all I want to do is rewind. I want to go back. I want to tell him just one more time "I love you". I want to hug him. I want him to hug me. I want him to put his head on my lap, clue his eyes and have me rub his ears just the way he liked it.

We can't go back to so we have to go forward.

How do we find the strength to WANT to go forward even though we know we will??

Apr 12, 2013
Why I am dying inside
by: Anonymous

The sadness that I have is because I lost my husband, my best friend, the father of my four children to a massive heart attack. No warnings, no chance to say good-bye, he was here one day, gone the next. We were married for 29 years, raised our family and just 8 weeks after sending our youngest off to college, my husband was gone! We did everything together, talked throughout the day and now I feel so alone. It is hard to guide my children alone and make big decisions alone. I try to be strong and move forward but I am dying inside. Lots of good things in my life that I am thankful for but life is not the same and never will be.

Apr 12, 2013
by: Kristina

I feel exactly the same way.

Apr 12, 2013
I think I know how you feel
by: Anonymous

I lost my husband 3 1/2 months ago. I've been in a fog, I feel so weak. So selfish for crying and hurting so much. Somedays I think I'll be all right, but then, out of nowhere it seems, I just fall to my knees and sob. I wonder how will I go on, where will I find the courage, the faith, the hope for some comfort. I too have family and friends that offer tremendous support, but I find myself isolating myself. I don't want them to feel sorry for me. I don't want to be the saddest person in the room. I talk to him. I pray to God for comfort. I pray to Him for understanding and I pray for guidance. I don't sleep because I know that when I open my eyes, he'll still be gone. He's gone, gone forever. That hurts so much. But I do think about all the others in my life. I think about how devastated they must feel and how it would be if I weren't here, if I just disappeared or disintegrated. I hear my husbands voice telling me to be strong, to keep on, to take care of myself. Just take one breath at a time, just make it through today.

Apr 12, 2013
i'm dying inside
by: Doreen U.K.

Perhaps you can write a bit more about why you feel so sad? Something must have triggered this off from something that has happened in your life. You speak of some of the good things you are enjoying in life and feel that you are wrong to feel so sad. It can be that whilst we do have blessings in life there is underlying sadness from a past event that has not been dealt with, and so somehow it has gone deep within you and something may have triggered this off.
You should try and see a counsellor. They are trained to work at a deep level to uncover buried memories and when they come to the surface you can deal with them by grieving them. Some just evaporate and never bother us again. I found this to be in my case so I know what you are saying and how you are feeling. Try this and I am sure you will realise a difference in your life that will be better than life now. In fact I can almost guarantee you will find this so.

Apr 11, 2013
Loving souls
by: Anonymous

You aren't alone. Your relationship with your loved one has changed but not finished. Your relationship is now in a spiritual form not physical. They are just in the next room, waiting for you to complete your life cycle and then you will be re united.
I have found acceptance is the hardest thing to deal with. It has alot to do with the way you choose to look at what has happened and the situation you now find yourself in, especially emotionally.
I have found the acceptance that death is natural and we all will die some day helps. It's been 18 months since I lost my loved one and soul mate, but it has slowly become a little easier with acceptance.
I find choosing to believe life continues after here helps me. We are all joined as one again eventually. There is no end to us, just in different relms for a short period of time.
Take care xx

Apr 11, 2013
To the author of i"m dying inside
by: Kyla

Hi, I feel very sad after reading your post. I don't know what your situation is, that has left you alone, but please don't feel that you are the only person feeling this way. My partner died nearly 5 weeks ago, and I am alone now. I have friends and family who call, text or visit me, but essentially I feel very alone with my grief. I urge you to contact a friend/family member to talk to, or an organisation that gives anonymous support over the phone. I know this can be very difficult to do, but please try. Sharing can help put things back into perspective, and acts as a lifeline when I'm feeling desperate. It also helps me to remember that I am not the only person who has lost someone I love, and that although I physically feel alone, I am in the company of thousands of other broken, grieving people the world over. It's a great start that you have reached out for support on this website. Please try to take care of yourself, and remember to take one moment at a time. Strength and love to you, Kyla.

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