I'm Falling Again

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

Billy and Our Gang of Friends

Billy and Our Gang of Friends

Today was Administrative Day, Secretarial Day or whatever its being called these days. I'd only been at this job since 3/25/11, so I was taken by surprise and given a lovely plant with the other girls. I started recalling when was the last time Billy got me flowers and one thing lead to another. I had to really reach back because of our money situation, his disability and the move to Arkansas there really wasn't money for that kind of stuff. We did cards, I really didn't need anything more. I had him... or so I thought...
He would always send flowers for my birthday and our anniversary. Even after I had gastric bypass surgery and I would be crying at home I don't want to do this anymore he would walk in the door with flowers, a hug and a kiss telling everything will be OK. So when I got this plant saying I was appreciated the meltdown began. I think the people I work with think I have sinus problems because of the wind and most people do here in Las Vegas. But no, not sinus, tears again with the memories of my life crashing into me, pulling me into that place that I only dare to go at night ~ alone.
Just when I thought I was doing better something always seem to jump out at me, smack me down and stomp on my emotions and feelings. Some days I was want to yell ~ STOP!!!!!
Control ~ the illusion of what I think I have.
I've been on this site since 10/19/10 when I first wrote, "Life as we knew it stopped". I get emails updating me who writes what, who's in need and record me. 46 times I've posted on this site and each time I received words of encouragement, compassion and comfort. If only just to say, I hear you and say what you need to say ~ were here for you. So I thank each and every one who has read, comforted and sent me a prayer. Those out in the world feel I should have moved on, taken control of my life. Well, yes I have an apartment, I have a job and I have friends. But when I go bed at night, alone, crying because I lost my best friend, my soul mate, the love of my life, they do not understand. As I've always said, until you can walk in my shoes don't preach to me. Billy has always seen the best in me and believed in me. So I will smile and not say anything because they don't understand and I'm tire of trying to explain it. This is mind, no more sharing because you really, really don't want to know ~ so please do me a favor, don't ask....
As always,
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~

Comments for I'm Falling Again

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Apr 30, 2011
You have taken control of your life
by: Judy

Patricia,

For those you are telling you that you need to take control of your life and move on, I say you have done just that! You have moved, changed states, got a job, developed new friends, if that is not moving on I don't know how to define it.
You have done all this and I am still in FL trying to figure out what to do!

As for emotional moving on, that has to be at whatever pace you can go. Most persons who have not experienced bereavement just don't understand how deeply it affects your life and what a difficult job it is to "move on". You can't move grief on at any rate faster than it going to go for you personally so just go along the best you can. We'll still be here.

JM

Apr 28, 2011
We will be there to catch you, always...
by:

Patricia,

We ARE making progress. It was not that long ago that we purposely tortured ourselves. Listening to music that reminded us of them. Sobbing over their T- Shirts with their smell. Everything we saw reminded us of them. Now it is the memories that crawl up from nowhere that startle us into a memory.

Remember there is no time limit on grief. It is how we handle each day given us that makes the difference. If we have a melt down now and then it is to be expected. At least it is not daily as it once was.

Paul once told me that he was ready to make some new memories with me. Now I must make new memories without him. And I/We will. Whether we are 45 or 65 we have to make the most of the good days and realize that a bad day is not a setback but totally normal.

I so disliked the saying in early grief, you know the one that says something like what does not kill us makes us stronger. So true especially in grief. My best always...
HH

Apr 28, 2011
Inspiraation
by: Anonymous

I agree with Trish J, you are an inspiration.
You have not only had to go through this journey of grief, but you have relocated to another state, found a new job and made new friends. Those are MAJOR changes in ones life even when they have a supporting partner alongside them. YOU have done it on your own!!
All the pictures you have posted of your Billy show a man that always had a huge smile and was truly enjoying life. Hold tight to those precious memories and have faith that Billy's wonderful spirit and zest for life are always with you.
((Hugs)) and prayers to you.

Apr 28, 2011
Love you
by: Cousin

If only we could turn back the hands of time....

Apr 28, 2011
Hanging on
by: Zoe

It is like you hold onto a rope, you have a good grip, you seem to climb and then suddenly you find your self slipping backwards.
then you start the climb all over again.
Clearly it goes differently for each of us. But what we do get good at is the public face, that distance between ourselves and those around us who, when they ask how are you, do not mean it the way WE mean it.
I think one of the things this site does is help us heal by reaching out. When you first start writing you are pouring out pain. Alot of times you can't even read what people answer, much less other peoples pain, then one day, you can, you read something and you reach out, through your own pain, to try and help or support someone else. I think this is the first steps we take in healing. It is easier to do that with the people here who understand the pain, the rage, the loss.
So keep coming, you know we are always here, and we always listen.
one breath, one step, one day at a time.

Apr 28, 2011
Half of Our Flesh Torn Away
by: TrishJ

The bible says when we marry we become one flesh. That's is really how I felt married to Joe. When we lose our soul mates we lose part of ourselves. There is a deep gaping wound when part of our flesh is torn away. The wound never fully heals. We adjust to the pain. We learn to live with it. I've always had a difficult time learning when I'm not interested in the subject matter. I'm really uninterested in "the grief ride." I find it tiresome and boring.
I think you are making tremendous progress. A new job, a new apartment, a new you. I know you don't want to be a knew you (none of us do) but we have no choice.
I've always thought I was such a strong woman~I've been told that my entire life. I can be reduced to sobbing tears when I'm flipping through the TV channels and find something that reminds me of him. Billy loved NASCAR~Joe loved UFC fighting. I see that on TV and my whole day can be ruined~all the progress I've made is right out the window.
It's not easy. No one knows the depth of the pain until we lose our own spouse. It's devastating.
We're all here for you. All going through the same thing.
One step, one breath at a time.
PLEASE KNOW HOW MUCH YOU INSPIRE ME!
pj

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