I'm Falling Again
Billy and Our Gang of Friends
Today was Administrative Day, Secretarial Day or whatever its being called these days. I'd only been at this job since 3/25/11, so I was taken by surprise and given a lovely plant with the other girls. I started recalling when was the last time Billy got me flowers and one thing lead to another. I had to really reach back because of our money situation, his disability and the move to Arkansas there really wasn't money for that kind of stuff. We did cards, I really didn't need anything more. I had him... or so I thought...
He would always send flowers for my birthday and our anniversary. Even after I had gastric bypass surgery and I would be crying at home I don't want to do this anymore he would walk in the door with flowers, a hug and a kiss telling everything will be OK. So when I got this plant saying I was appreciated the meltdown began. I think the people I work with think I have sinus problems because of the wind and most people do here in Las Vegas. But no, not sinus, tears again with the memories of my life crashing into me, pulling me into that place that I only dare to go at night ~ alone.
Just when I thought I was doing better something always seem to jump out at me, smack me down and stomp on my emotions and feelings. Some days I was want to yell ~ STOP!!!!!
Control ~ the illusion of what I think I have.
I've been on this site since 10/19/10 when I first wrote, "Life as we knew it stopped". I get emails updating me who writes what, who's in need and record me. 46 times I've posted on this site and each time I received words of encouragement, compassion and comfort. If only just to say, I hear you and say what you need to say ~ were here for you. So I thank each and every one who has read, comforted and sent me a prayer. Those out in the world feel I should have moved on, taken control of my life. Well, yes I have an apartment, I have a job and I have friends. But when I go bed at night, alone, crying because I lost my best friend, my soul mate, the love of my life, they do not understand. As I've always said, until you can walk in my shoes don't preach to me. Billy has always seen the best in me and believed in me. So I will smile and not say anything because they don't understand and I'm tire of trying to explain it. This is mind, no more sharing because you really, really don't want to know ~ so please do me a favor, don't ask....
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~