I'm losing my best friend

by Thomas
(Murrieta, CA United States)

My father is still alive, but we recently received notice that he has liver cancer, and the doctors do not expect him to live more than another month or two. Looking at him, I can see the once strong man that he was fading fast. Everything that had made my life complete is coming to an end, and I just cant go on.

I know, as a man I am supposed to find away to deal with this grief in a "manly" way. I am married, and my mother is healthy, but my world is falling apart. Never a weekend would go by where we would not do something together as a family. We would go out to dinner, catch a baseball game, and for me, just having someone to talk to is what I love most about him.

My father is 83, and I am now 48, so I am blessed to have had him for that time, but up until recently he was pretty healthy, so I believed that we would be together for a few more years.

I need some help, I really don't want to go on with my life with out him, what do I do? I know when the time comes to put him to rest I will be asking and praying that the good lord will take me too.

Please help.
Thomas

Comments for I'm losing my best friend

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May 05, 2014
Fathers
by: Anonymous

First, sorry to hear of your father's cancer. Do not be afraid of looking weak, and prayers help. I know they do, my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2005, had surgery and lived another 9 years.

Apr 27, 2014
Thomas
by: Mary R

I hope you are hanging in there. I understand exactly what you mean by losing your best friend. You are not alone in that. Maybe Dad's are everyone's best friend? The loss of a father is like losing a part of ourselves. My Dad lived close to you, in Hemet. Dad's don't judge us, won't leave us, support us in our goals. Who but a Dad can fill that role? And after one year without him, I feel like I don't want to go on without him either. But we don't have much choice. If I knew there was a way to see him even one more time, I would do it. When my Dad was diagnosed with 6 months to live I did not accept it. I wish I had and been more loving during his last months. Instead, I just fought everyone and everything. I was in denial and it cost me the last few months I could have shared with him. Blessings to you and your family. Some day when it's meant for us, we will see our Dad's again. Thank you for sharing.

Apr 16, 2014
Thomas
by: Phil

Hey Thomas,

I recently lost my father to cancer on February 8,2014. I'm 29 years old, last of 5 kids. He was diagnosed in November and was gone 3 months later. He was my best friend in the world. The most important person in my life. My rock. I absolutely know the feeling of watching him struggle through the end. Shaving off the hair was an eye opener for sure. I'd act like I was okay when people ask me how I'm doing, but inside I was dying just as much as he was. He was such a nice, caring person that he refused to look like anything phased him in front of us because he didn't want to make it harder on us. It was nothing but more treatments and in his case oxygen tanks in the house due to his lung cancer. He was the old school type that didn't like doctors, probably because he was an attorney and everyone knows the constant debate between doctors and lawyers. Anyway, back to the point, I know how hard life is for you right now and all I can say is that you just have to focus on what he would want you to be doing right now. When his time comes, it will be incredibly difficult and you will feel a sense of shock and a sense of being lost at first. It took me a few weeks afterward for it to really sink in that he is gone. I've found that during the day time it helps very much to stay busy and continue to do things that you feel would make him proud. He would want you to be as strong as you can be. The hardest times seem to be at night when you have time to think about it. I just let it out when I can and don't feel bad about crying. I was never much of a crier but at this point it's impossible not to. I can say, that you feel a little better after really letting it out. Don't be surprised if you catch yourself talking to him. Embrace it.

Apr 02, 2014
I'm losing my best friend
by: Doreen UK

Thomas hang in there taking one moment at a time. You will find the inner strength when the time comes to let your father go from this awful disease that is eating him up and causing distress to him and all of you as a family. Cancer is such a dreadful disease to live with. Just knowing your father will be free of His pain will give you the strength to go on in life. Your father was of an age when death is more acceptable, but nevertheless as you say. A few more years would have been good. I felt this way about my husband who died at 65yrs. He didn't get to enjoy any retirement. He went straight from a hard working life to the grave. FOCUS is the key to surviving grief. When one takes the focus off of themselves (which is normal). It gets easier. Most of us feel that we want to die and not live anymore. This is also a normal feeling. Let it pass and don't act on it. Again. FOCUS. Pour your life into your marriage and caring for your mother who will need you more now. I know these are difficult days for you right now and you somehow feel that you won't get through your loss. BUT YOU WILL.

Apr 02, 2014
Deeper and Deeper
by: Thomas

As stated in my first comment above my father has liver cancer, and with each passing day he is getting worse...and with that my grief is getting deeper and deeper. I saw him in the hospital yesterday, and that is not the last image I want to have of him. I'm at a complete loss.

Mar 27, 2014
Loosing your father
by: Anonymous

Thomas, You are in the first throws of grief even tho your father is still alive yet. It's the fact that we all loose someone we love if we and they live long enough. Instead of thinking of ending your life begin to think of how your mother would feel if she lost her husband and her son? Can you imagine her heartbreak ? and for her to go through that alone ? It's selfish for you to think the way you are You still have time to tell your father just how much he means to you. Some folks don't get the chance to say goodbye. All of us on this sight have lost someone totally precious to us . We are anywhere from one week to years in trying to cope without them. What makes you think you can opt out? IF you have a wife or children, cling to them or your mother and learn to cope together on this upcoming unfortunate loss of your father. We have no choice as to being thrown into grief. We learn to go on in life and know that God has taken them home to care for them. They will have no pain or suffering anymore and for that we must be glad. You can still have weekends with family and talk about your father and he will be with you in spirit. Picture him laughing and smiling and happy that you will honor him in that way.

All of us here still honor our lost spouses , children, fathers and mothers by going on with life and making the best of it until we can see them again on the other side.

Look to God for strength to help you and your mother to endure this most heartbreaking time .

Mar 27, 2014
I'm losing my best friend
by: Doreen UK

Thomas I am so sorry for your difficulties at this moment dealing with a father who is dying of cancer. I understand the place you are in right now as I nursed my husband of 44yrs. for 3yrs. 39 days with the very worst cancer ever which took 40yrs. to develop as he worked with asbestos and inhaled the fibres as a young man in his 20's. He leaves a hole in our hearts. WE had 3 children who are all adults from 33yrs.-45yrs. of age. My husband died at 65yrs. 16 days before his 66th birthday.
The cancer journey is a difficult one to go through. It affects the whole family. I had spasms of the fear and anxiety you are going through now. as the memories of that day of diagnosis is so haunting. The news of "You have an incurable, inoperable, rare aggressive cancer" is the worst ever news. I screamed and screamed in that nurse's office and couldn't contain my sorrow that I was about to lose my precious husband the most important person in my life. I couldn't imagine life without him. I gained my strength from God who carried me through those difficult days. I lost my husband coming up to 23 months and I got through this by TAKING ONE DAY AT A TIME. You can start doing this now and on going when your father passes away. It is the most unbearable moment, watching the person you love die slowly and there is not a thing you can do to save them. All you can do is care for your father in the best way you can and make as many good memories to carry you through these difficult days ahead. Support your mom, and also your marriage partner in the best way you can without compromising your own grief. Remember also there are trained grief counsellors who will also be able to support you all as a family to get through this. You may even want to tap into this counselling now to help take you through your inability to cope now with the news of about to lose your father. It just makes for a smoother journey through grief. This is a very scary moment when ABOUT TO LOSE A LOVED ONE as significant as your father was in your life. Knowing they are never going to be in your life anymore is hard to deal with. It all happens so fast. As I nursed my husband I could see the sadness and disappointment in his face that his life was going to be over and there was nothing he could do to change things. I was aware of my own vulnerability. But With God's help he carried me through to give my husband THE BEST CARE I COULD. I gave him a good burial in a beautiful concrete chamber where I will be buried with him in a grave for two. May God be close to you all as a family at this difficult time.

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