I'm lost, don't know what to do?

by Laura

I've been engaged for a year after a realtionship that lasted two years before ... We were in love, happy and planning for our wedding, and two months before our happy day, My mother in Law passed a way.

It was a shock for all of us specially that me and my fiance lives in a different country. We all went home, and me and my family stood by my Fiance's family and helped them through the funeral and all the arrangements, I was really sad for losing her, she never had a daughter and she use to call me her daughter and was very happy that I joined their family.

It's been six months now, and my fiance is not doing well at all, he is sad all the time, he is barely talking to me, ignoring me and recently been very rude to me, he is even blaming me for taking him away from his family, although I never took him away, and since we got engaged we went to our home country more than what we usualy do, which means we saw his family about seven times more in 2011 before his mom passed away in January.

He is barely talking to me, and when I say anything he screams at me and say all bad things ! I saw him yesterday with some other friends, he talkes to them fine, laugh, tell them stories but not to me! and everybody was asking if there was something wrong between us, because he wasn't talking to me at all and when I do he gives me this strange look .. when I asked him later he said everytime I see you I remember how you took me away from my family, I can't help it.

I understand that he is grieving and I understand from the grief stages that he is at the blame stage .. but I still thought that we should get closer to each other! I would want him by my side if I lose one of my parents.

I'm really Sad and feel useless, I want to stand by his side, support him and be with him, but he is not letting me and now trying to push me away, I'm a very patient person, and I would wait for him forever if I could understand why is he doing this ... I've been under loads of stress lately that started effecting my health, been in a very bad car accident too, but he dosn't seem to care.

My family is telling me that I shouldn't be with him anymore, but I love him and we were really happy before ... Would this change ! is this grief? I'm very lost, anybody been in a similar situation before!

Comments for I'm lost, don't know what to do?

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Jun 10, 2012
Lost and What should I do?
by: Doreen England U.K.

Hi Laura
You are not to blame for what your fiance is putting you through. He is being very unreasonable. He wanted to be with his mother instead of you. Then why didn't he? So you bought a wedding dress and 2 months later his Mum died. You still had to plan a wedding. Things don't get done unless to do the planning. Sounds like your fiance is a Mummy's boy and you wouldn't have done anything right in his eyes. The grief he is going through is causing him madness/at you. That's not fair. It is unreasonable. Laura don't doubt yourself questioning if it is your fault. So you were shopping at Christmas and because you were shopping for wedding things he should have been with his mother. Maybe then he is not mature enough to be married and you are being saved a whole lot worse problems in the future. It is so hard to love someone so deeply like you do but your world is being turned upside down by grief that is unreasonable. You are being manipulated by your fiance and he must know what he is doing to you. It doesn't make sense to me. He shouldn't be giving you a hard time. It seems his mother comes first before you. Think carefully before you make a committment you may regret.

Jun 09, 2012
RE: I'm lost, don't know what to do?
by: Laura

Thank you very much for the comment, I really appreciate you taking the time to help,

I tried talking to him, he said that I took him away and that at the christmas holiday while looking for wedding things together he could have been with his mom ... instead of me ! although there was no plan to go back home at that Holiday at all.

He also said that two more things made the situation even worse :
1. We ordered the wedding dress, and two months after his Mom passed away I called telling him that the dress arrived and he can't believe I'm thinking about a dress after all of what happened, I should have canceled it.

2. He asked me to get married soon in one condition which is not to put on a wedding dress, makeup or anything and without a party, not even in a year time, because he is grieving and doesn't want me in a white dress after his Mom's death and I said no .. first because he is not ready yet and still very sad, two, I told him, I don't want a party or anything,but I want to wear a dress and have photos! He was very angry and now he says he will never forgive me for that.

I don't know if it's my fault for asking to wear a white dress! or is what he is asking for is too much!!

Jun 08, 2012
Lost and hurting
by: Doreen England U.K.

You will not be able to move forward at all if you are not able to talk to your boyfriend and get him to understand how you feel and ask why he is blaming you for his loss by taking him away from his family.
He may be immature and not able to process what he is doing and how he is destroying your relationship. You are allowing him to disrespect you by staying in the firing line when perhaps it would be better to move away for awhile from the situation and see if it makes a difference. If it doesn't then you are better off without him.

Playing hard to get sometimes forces the other person to realize what they are losing and may force him out into the open to discuss things and at least listen to what you have to say. It is worth a try if your want to fight for your man and if this doesn't work you may be better off walking away. Whatever problems you cannot resolve now you will take into a marriage and it will be worse and more painfull.

Fight for the right to not be blamed for something you are not responsible for. You need loyalty if this relationship is going to work.

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