I'm Lost

by Rob
(New York, NY)

My partner of 22 years died January 29 after suffering sudden cardiac arrest on January 14 while he was at work. It took the paramedics 17 minutes to get to him so he could be defibrillated. His co-workers did the best they could while waiting for the paramedics. The EMS were able to restore his heart rhythm and he was rushed to the hospital where they began hypothermia. He remained unconscious for nine days, and the initial CT scans revealed no brain damage. But by the 10th day, the new CT scans showed irreversible brain injury from anoxia. With that news, I had no choice but to agree to disconnect his ventilator. I know he did not want to be brought back severely disabled or in a permanent vegetative state. It's something we both put into our Living Wills. After the vent was disconnected, he lasted 13 minutes. His brain was not telling his lungs to breathe.

It has been almost two months since he died. He was only 56. We had planned on getting old together. I'm lost. There isn't a second that goes by that I'm not thinking about him. Nothing makes any sense. I have a really hard time being outside or walking the streets. I feel more isolated and alone when I'm outside. Our home is exactly as he left it. I had not made any changes apart from putting all his clothes in the closet. Our home is filled with 22 years of memories, and as hard as it is to sit there and look at them, I feel more comfortable being inside than outside.

There are times when I just cover my mouth with a pillow and scream his name. I still fully expect him to walk in the door after work.

There's nothing I can do but go through this process. Much of my mind remains in denial, and as hard as I try to convince myself that he's not coming back, my mind can only accept small doses of that reality. When I let myself think of the full enormity of what happened, I fold.

I have sought professional, medical help, and I've been put on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. I didn't want to do it, but after being on them for six weeks, I am at least functional. Without them, I break down every hour.

I know I'm not the first to lose a spouse, and I've heard from others who've suffered this fate that time will eventually dull the pain. But for now, I feel it acutely. I cannot yet see the memories as happy reminders of the life we lived together. He was my best friend, and everything I did in life was in relation to the life we shared. I am now untethered.

When I leave work at the end of the day, I don't rush home like I used to. It feels like I can just keep walking to wherever and no one would care. No one will call to ask where I am. No one will call to ask what we're having for dinner. No one will call.

He is the love of my life, and I will never be the same.

Comments for I'm Lost

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Mar 29, 2012
I'm lost too
by: Anonymous

I lost my partner 18 months ago. We had been together 38 years. He entered the hospital for hip surgery. He was doing fine, but the hospital kept giving him pain medication, which he did not want nor need. Apparently it was too much for his heart and he died, just 12 minutes after talking to me and being happy about coming home in two days.
I held his hand, he told me how much he loved me and was gone. When does the pain subside? I have no one. No family, and I have out-lived the majority of my friends. I am lost, and wonder how much longer I can hang on. I feel like I am in a life boat lost in the middle of the ocean. We guys who have lost our partners need to get together!

Mar 29, 2012
Sorry, mate !
by: Mike

Dear Rob

My name is Michael, I am writing from Australia. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I lost my partner Ron, the love of my life, 17 months ago to cardiac arrythmia. So many people have told me by now I should be over "IT" but I am not! I still cry myself to sleep most nights, I hate mornings, nights, and holidays, his birthday etc I drink my self silly out of despair sometimes. Why? because I loved Ron so much, I also know that Ron, would let me grieve however I needed to, and I know there is no one else who could ever take His place in my heart. Ron and I were so compatible. He meant the world to me and much more. I will still for now just somehow try to get on with life as best as I can. One foot in front of the other every day.

Rob you could email me at leaniv66@gmail.com if you would like to be in touch. Mate your not alone.


Mar 28, 2012
by: M Mack


I am so sorry for your loss. We have no choice in this matter but to accept this dark fact of life. We want to grow old with our loved ones. We make plans, love unconditionally and give our all. Its only 2 months for you and a very difficult time for most people who loose a loved one. We all understand how you feel and yes- you need to vent these feelings. Go through them, let the tears take you where the may. You are grieving, and in order to get strong, you need to allow all to surface. Only then will you get a grip on what happened so you can take the next steps in the grief stages. If I did it, we all made it, so can you. Keep writing and we will be here to listen. Prayers and hugs as you search for peace one day at a time.

Mar 27, 2012
Thank you
by: Rob

Thank you for your kind words. It helps to talk to people who are experiencing the same emotions.

I'm sorry for your losses as well. I now understand what loss means.


Mar 26, 2012
I'm so sorry
by: Anonymous

I understand completely, I know exactly how you feel. I don't think anyone would notice if I were gone either. No one can understand unless they have been there. I don't care how I will feel in the future I only care how I feel now, and I am so lost without him, I can barely breathe, and I don't care if I stopped. We are burdens now, we are not welcome anywhere, we have no identity. It is hell being in the home we shared, everything is him. I'm so sorry for you, unlike other people I don't believe it will get better and I don't think they are in a better place.

Mar 26, 2012
I Understand
by: Luke (Australia)

Rob I understand completely your feelings. I lost my partner of 20 years, 5 months ago.
The pain and intensity in the first 3 to 4 months for me was excruciating. Like living in a nightmare you can't wake up from. I've lost 8 kilo's and hardly leave the house also.
It's only in the last 2 weeks I've begun to eat again, and having the occasional day now where I feel I'm going to be ok.
I still prefer to be at home alone. I've been doing alot of soul searching and trying my best to be happy with "ME" alone. Easier said then done, I know, it's lonely. I find spirituality and meditation gives me a feeling of "self", this is where I find strength.
It's especially hard when you see everyone else move on with their lives and yet you can't.
My partners main concern before he passed was that I was going to be OK. I promised him I would be, so I'm determined to be OK eventually for his sake. He would hate to see me in the mess I've been in and I hate being here. I'll never be the same again and it's hard work trying to work out who I am now. I feel like I'm two people. I'm the old me with my partner and the new me "alone". (which I hate at the moment)
This probably doesn't mean alot to you at this very early stage and I'm only a little further along the journey than you. But it is a little better lately. There is hope Rob, hang in there.
You aren't alone.
As in a previous post, "they have only moved into the next room" they are waiting for us to join them. In the mean time we must continue, it will get easier, you have to believe that, as hard as you might find it at the moment. Rob I scream my partners name too. I talk to him continually in my mind and write him letters often.
If you wish to contact me by e-mail neptune0101@hotmail.com

Mar 26, 2012
you are not alone
by: Anonymous

hello, I am sorry for your loss. I am also grieving the loss of my beloved brother and it is a place of deep sorrow and darkeness. please know that you are not alone in you pain. I will be praying for you!

Mar 26, 2012
I know and am so very sorry...


I am so so sorry for your loss. I wish I could make you feel better, if that were possible I would spend my last dime to do so. But grief has other plans, be kind to yourself as you ride this horrible roller coaster of grief.

There will be many down days at first but one day, you will have a genuine smile. Not the pasted grimace that we have all faked (it till we made it). This is the best place to be this site you can tell us. We will hear and never tire of your grief as others will.

We get it we really do, please come back when you need someone to talk to...There is no safer place to be. The people here have saved me from madness many a time...

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