Im so Broken alone and depressed....and pregnant. ..

by stephanie elliott-mitchell
(Yucaipa)

July 8 2013, my fiance died in a car accident he ran a stop sign and hit a Street sweeper going 80 mph.. Why?? I'll never know why but i go crazy trying to figure out why every day. He was my best friend my other half my every thing!!! We were supposed to do this together!! I'm physically and mentally emotionally drained I can't even function normally. I'm having good and bad days mostly bad but I'm so lost. I'm 26 years old he was 22. We just got our 1st home together in March. I've had 2 miscarriages this year which made him go depressed because he wanted to start a family so bad! I already have a 5 year old he was really close with but she lives with her dad and since the accident i haven't been able to give her much attention. 2 weeks after the accident i found out I'm pregnant now I'm passed the risk of miscarriage at 14 weeks which is good but I'm so depressed I have no help from any one and I cant do this alone! I'm going crazy! His family hates me and I just want to be close with them so bad it makes my pain so much worse. His mom is a **tch and he never liked her but now that he's gone she plays nice with me sometimes then flips out on me for stupid things and puts me down and calls me names and say if I mention his name around her I'm rubbing his death in her face? I dunno im just so alone i want him so bad I need him so bad I feel like I'm gonna be alone forever now ill never love again. Any man I meet will only be number 2, my secinf choice because brentyn my love will always be who i wish I was with forever. .ill never be happy again. ..

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Sep 13, 2013
I understand
by: Kathy

I really do. I lost my love on June 23, 2013 in a minute and I feel exactly as you do. I push through the days, they have all been a blur. And while I don't know if his family hates me, they sure have not offered any support. Not a phone call, not a visit. They have made me feel even more alone. But I had to conclude that I can not expect them to treat me any better then they treated him. While it doesn't change anything I do not have any expectations.
A couple of weeks ago my brother asked me to try to stop asking myself WHY? I have tried very hard to take this advice. Even if I got the answer I wouldn't like it. I'm now trying to deal with my grief and my pain. Knowing why won't change that.
My heart goes out to you as I would not wish this pain and emptiness on anyone. This board helps me not to be alone. While this is not a club I would have chosen to join I am so thankful it is here.

Sep 12, 2013
Sorry for your loss ... Part 2
by: S

It's such a pity his family don't accept you, it would help both of you so much more. His mom being nice to you sometimes is her way of trying to be closer to her son. You were a part of him, and you carry a part of him with you now too. She is struggling with her feelings too, it's unnatural for a mother to lose her son and she may never get over it. Try to have empathy for her and always hold your head high about who you are. Be the best you, and perhaps one day things will change. If they don't, you will always have his love, history with him, memories, and hopefully this precious baby too.

When she "flips out" it's when she isn't coping and is lashing out with her anger and unresolved feelings. You said he didn't get along with or like her, so she has that to deal with too. Just remember, no matter how she treats you, how her life has been, she is his mother, she bore and gave him life, and for that alone, she earns respect.

When you mention his name and she doesn't like it, she can't handle it. Tell her YOU mention his name because you love him so much, you can't think of anything else! It's a tribute to him, and that you never want to forget him. Tell her when she wants or is able to talk about him, you will always be there. Try and make peace, you need the family, his family...

You won't be alone forever - it just seems that way now. Don't focus on the big picture or the long road ahead. Take it one day at a time. Survive today: eat, drink, talk, sleep. Each day, get through the basics, and eventually, you will find it getting more bearable.

Don't think of the "next man" - that will take time, you need to grieve Brentyn, you need to heal, you need to get to a better place before meeting someone else.

When that time comes one day, don't ever tell them they are number 2. That won't be fair to them. You have a big heart capable of lots of love, and you will love someone else again, just differently. Brentyn will always be in your heart, he will always be loved...

We will pray for you and your unborn little baby. Also for Brentyn's family, and all your family and friends and everyone who knew him, to have the strength to get through each day, to find comfort in his memories, and to have peace to survive this grief.

Blessings

Sep 12, 2013
Sorry for your loss...
by: S

Message too long, will split in 2 parts
Part 1/2

Dear Stephanie,

I'm so sorry for your recent loss of your Fiance Brentyn...in such a sudden shocking way. No chance for good-byes, no chance for anything.

We may never know why, all we can do is cope with the present and to take it one day at a time. This is what I told a colleague years ago when she lost her mom, and now apply to myself as I lost my precious dad last year.

You will still be in shock for a while, and perhaps even denial - unbelief that it really happened and he is gone?! This shock phase will help you (strange as it seems) during the worst of it.

Step 1 is to look after YOU now - please don't give up on yourself, on life, on a future. You are very young and Brentyn would want you to look after yourself. He cared for and loved you - so take care of you, for him.

Step 2 is to look after your precious baby! Brentyn's gift he left you, which you only discovered after the accident. After the sadness of miscarriage earlier in the year, this blessing will give you a reason for hope, a ray of sunshine through the darkness, towards a future. You will see Brentyn's physical characteristics in him/her, his personality perhaps, and other surprises.

Allow yourself the rest you need. See a Doctor, make sure you are getting everything you need physically. Look after your nutrition, for yourself and little Brentyn junior.

See a grief counsellor to help you cope through this worst time. They can give you coping strategies to get through this emotionally draining time.

While your little 5 yr old is with her dad, you can focus on YOU for now. Let the grief flow, it's healthy to cry and let your feelings out. Talk to anyone and everyone you feel comfortable with, express your thoughts and feelings, don't bottle it in.

We are all here to listen, don't feel alone. Every one of us on this site have lost someone precious to us, so we can all relate. You are not alone, ever. Come and share whenever you need to, we will be here. When one of us can't, someone else will.


Sep 12, 2013
I'm so Broken alone, and depressed...and pregnant..
by: Doreen U.K.

Stephanie I am sorry for your loss of your fiancé. What a tragedy that has left you mourning such a deep loss. Since you have no one to support you and be there for you try and see a grief counsellor for a few sessions in order to give you the time and space to talk about your loss and work through your grief. You need to consider carefully having depression and being pregnant. I was depressed during my first pregnancy and it has left its marks on my son. Grief is one of the worst experiences in life and no one can imagine this pain unless they have been there. You are naturally reaching out to your fiancé's family and they are being awkward and not compassionate at all. You are in control and make your own choices. Don't have them in your life if you don't want them. Somehow a death brings out the worst in people and more and more families are discovering this. You are in the early days of raw grief and don't expect to be over your loss any time soon. Take one day at a time. Nurture yourself back into good health by doing nice things for yourself each day. This will build you up. Continue this. You will raise your self esteem this way and recover better. Don't dwell on being miserable and alone forever. Don't think too far ahead as grief causes one to see life as impossible to move forward. We all go through these feelings in the early days of grief. When healing takes place in you it is only then your internal world will change and you will be able to move on with your life.
I lost my husband of 44yrs. 16 months ago to cancer. I coped better because I did the counselling bit years ago and so was emotionally healed. But I still miss my husband so much and do have good and bad days. I only take one day at a time. IT WORKS. When I look back I can't believe I have made it through 16 months. If I am tempted to look too far forward I feel the loneliness swallow me up. So I do what I want each day to make my day better. This is nurturing yourself and does ease a lot of the pain of grief.
You will get your life back in time. You will learn to live again. It is early days. When my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer my whole world rushed fast before me and all I could think of "Oh God He is going to die." " I can't bear it." "How will I go on without him." I have no choice. I am going on each day, and I didn't think I would. My counselling from years ago has given me this good foundation to become emotionally healthy. The secret is taking ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Sep 11, 2013
Your Loss
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry for your loss. There are some things that cannot be explained. Please do not tell the next man in you life he is No. 2. I am so sorry for your loss. My brother committed suicide at the age of 21. My daughters Mother died when our girls were 5 and 11. I was the original Mr. Mom. I made it through but I needed help and the Grace of God. Take Care.

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