I'm so lost without him
by Heather Starzynski
On February 9th 2011 my husband of 14 years collapsed at midnight while I was sleeping..I heard him fall and got out of bed right away only to find him not breathing and unresponsive..I started cpr right away and called the ambulance ..My 10 year old daughter was watching the whole time..She kept telling me to save her daddy..Thank God my 6 yr old slept through it. The paramedics arrived and took over so I could be with both of my children while I waited for my father to come take me to the hospital. Once at the hospital I was told my husband had suffered from a sleep apnea attack which resulted in a heart attack. We didnt even know he had a heart condition..8 days later the neurologist came to his room and told me that my husband had also suffered brain damage due to the sleep apnea and said he would never wake up..I had a choice to make..Thankfully we had discussed the issue of life support after his mother died 1-1/2 years before, so I knew he didnt want to be kept alive by machines, but that didnt make my decision any easier..How do you tell your children that you are gonna kill their daddy..I made the arrangements to have him taken off the respirator and the day before this was to happen I sat with him and asked him to give me some kind of sign that I was making the right decision..I spent the rest of the day with him and friends and family..After I left the hospital I received a call from the doctor saying my husband had pulled his breathing tube and that his heart would not hold out much longer, So that was my sign ..He didnt want to put his death on my shoulders. So I got my kids and family to the hospital to say good bye..My daughter wanted to be in the room when he passed and she was the whole time..it only took 45 mins for him to pass after thay stopped the breathing bag..9 days after he was admitted. But my girl was so strong..she completely amazed me,she held her daddy's hand while he took his last breathe and told him good bye..Now 2 months later I am so lost without him. I am doing my best to make sure my kids are ok but don't have time to process the pain I feel myself. I havent even really cried.. What is wrong with me???