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I'm so lost

by Melissa
(Pittsburgh, PA)

Hi everyone,

My name is Melissa, and I lost my much loved Gramma just over a month ago. She raised me most of my life, and was always my best friend. Actually, she was my heart, my anchor, my only stability and security growing up. I am so beside myself with grief. I feel like I am losing my mind.

I was with my Gram the morning it happened. I knew she wasn't doing well, and we had just put her on hospice. They called from her nursing home that morning, and said we needed to come in, that my Gram wasn't breathing well, and it wasn't good. I rushed there, and sat with her, and talked to her, my tears falling onto her face. I held her, and told her the same things I told her every day, that I love her more than anything, and she will be my best friend forever, and I am so sorry she has to go through all of this pain. I literally turned my head to grab my phone for 10 seconds, looked back, and she had stopped breathing.

The crazy thing is, I had just told her that as hard as it is, I didn't know how I could be without her, but if she had to go, I would be strong like she taught me. That is the first time I could get those words out to her, and then I turned my head, and she passed! I am so upset I turned around just then. I was hysterical, and couldn't breathe or move. My worst nightmare had come true.

That was a month ago, and for the first month, I think I was numb. I was just walking around in a daze. Once the one month mark came, it really hit me, and for the past week, I have been worse than ever. All I can think about is her, and horrible thoughts of her passing, and such. I feel like I am going crazy. I just cry and cry.

I just can't believe she is gone. For many years, I went to see her three times a day every single day at her nursing home. Now, she is just gone. I can not hold her hand or hug her again. I can't take the pain. It is so horrible.
I am tired of hearing that shes in a better place, and things will get better and so on. I can't even believe that.

Does anyone else feel like they are losing it from grief?
Thanks for listening.
Melissa

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I'm so lost

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I understand...
by: KJ

Hi Melissa,
I just lost my grandma on Tuesday so I do understand how you feel. I am so lost and I have no idea what to do. I can't even breathe sometimes. I think you just have to take it one moment at a time. I'm not sure that you ever get over it, you just learn to cope with it. Please don't feel alone! I have no idea what to do with myself and most days I just feel sick. I wish you all the best and may God bless you!!

My nan
by: Anonymous

Hi Melissa

I just happened upon this site. You'd lost your nan just over a month ago when you wrote on here. I hope that you keep your chin up and it's hard but you have to. It's been four years this July since my nan went. She was everything to me. She was diagnosed with cancer in November 2006 and went in July 2007. It took me three months to even open a letter posted. I went into shock. I nearly lost my job. It's so hard losing someone who you depend on. They are indispensable.

I have her coat hanging on my coat rail, memories all around me. I feel that if I put them away, I'm pushing her away. But I can say this. Over the last four years I have listened to what she taught me about being strong and keeping her values and beliefs alive. Bring her views into every day and always talk about her. I've a grandaughter and baby niece who know who my nan is, even though she isnt here in body, they know who she is :-)

I'll never get over my nan going but i'm living with it. The hardest thing i've ever had to do. Four years on its as hard now as when she went. I wont pretend to you that it gets any easier but what I will say is that the days go by and the loss never goes but we learn how to live with them not there. I'm trying to figure out how to fill my time still and its been four years.

I was with my nan when she went and the three weeks before. It was awful. Of all the years i've always been able to help and protect but this was the one thing I couldnt do anything about. It hurt when she was going through it and now she's gone it's still hard to come to terms with.

We grieve because we love them so much. We have to be strong to carry on. Find things to do on your own. My counsellor said I have to find things for me. Its really hard to do that even four years on. I havent found anything that I really like to do yet but I keep trying and keep battling on.

Sorry if I cant give you any comfort apart from you have a lot of people who understand how you feel and if you ever want to talk post back on here and you'll get a reply xxx

I understand completely
by: T

I have a very similar situation, and kind of amazed that someone else may identify with me. My grandfather passed away last July. My mother and I lived with him most of the time, and he was pretty much my father, but better. We were best friends. Others don't understand the relationship I had with him of how close we were.

I was his main caregiver because my mother moved out of state. He was diagnosed with leukemia, and I did it all. It is so hard when you everything is done right, and you still lose them. At first I felt like I was juts between seeing him at the hospital all the time. But the longer it is, the more I don't understand how he's not here. I also could only think of the bad and how he passed, even had bad dreams. It does fade and you begin to think of their healthy face giving advice or laughing, without even trying.

The bad creeps up, but for me, I had to keep myself occupied with other things. All of sudden, there have a bunch of free time allowing me to sit and obsess. Being around friends helped a lot. I also have a dog and cat. I may seem crazy, but talking to them helped because they knew and loved him like I did, and they are great for cuddling when sad. Take time for yourself, and set goals that you know she would want you to do. Having that goal as a "light at the end of the tunnel" will give you direction and a purpose again. Mine was school. All he ever wanted was to see me doing good in school and making something of myself.

I still don't know when it is really going to get better, but I find I'm not reacting or have the same feelings towards little things. For example, not becoming angry when I see his camera. Which shows me little improvements.
I try everyday to make him proud, and thats what gets me through to actually get up everyday and accomplish goals in my life.

T

So sorry..
by: Anonymous

Hi Melissa, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can relate to your pain. I lost my grandma in october and was with her when she died. It was the worst and hardest day of my life. I was glad I was there for her at the moment but I'm now haunted by the memory of her dying. I still cry, I'm still very sad, it is hard to pretend to be happy and I can't stand it when people tell me she's in a better place. Why can't people just listen and say the truth; that it sucks! I don't know if there is a God or heaven so I don't know if she is happy- no one really does. At the wake my cousin actually told me my grandma would want me to move on with my life- don't I have the right to be sad though? I'm glad I found this site and there are people on here that understand grief. I don't have any advice to give you because I am still having a hard time. Just take it day by day and try to hang in there

-Kate

an apology...
by: HH

Melissa,

I apologize for the the opening sentence of my response. Anger is also one of the residuals of grief. I try not to be ruled by it, avoid it. But we all grow weary of this long road of grief.
Yesterday was the year mark and I am sorry for my flippant response. I only wish you strength and all the best on your journey through grief and towards happiness.
Hope

It will be o.k...
by: Anonymous

Melissa,

Welcome to the I can't do this anymore club.
Probably the most spoken phrase here. It does seem impossible to deal it really does. But you can only take things a moment at a time. It is the hardest thing that you will ever go through.
But day by day you will get a tad stronger and know that she is watching out for you still.

All this turmoil, jumble of emotions, unable to think straight and function on a proper note is normal. We have all gone through it regardless of what love we lost, it makes us dysfunctional.

Remember to just take one step, one breath and one day at a time and you will make it through slowly ever so slowly. Come here often we understand how it feels, all the stupid things people say because they just don't know any better. Keep a journal, Paint your pain, express it often. You'll be o.k if you allow yourself to grieve. Its a long hard road and we'll be there every step of the way for you.
HH

I'm so lost
by: Anonymous

Hi Melissa,
Ive certainly experienced the pains of grief, and like you, I became overwhelmed with the cliche' of those who meant well but have not been in the midst of grief the way some of us have. I want to say "it gets better" but perhaps "it gets different".

For me purging the tears was my only relief, it was the only thing that felt good.Sometimes grief gets complicated and creates other issues (like we're losing it). Try and keep it "healthy grief" Melissa, its yours. The well wishers are unable to feel what we feel or have felt. Its yours, embrace it if its healthy, it gets DIFFERENT

So Lost
by: Anonymous

Dear Melissa,
I lost my 36yr. old son to suicide on Sept.20,2010 so it hasn't been 3mos yet.I understand what you are saying. The first month I guess I was numb or in denial, as time goes by it seems to be getting more and more difficult. I won't tell you your Gramma is in a better place because even though it may be true I know you want her here with you (I feel the same) I won't even tell you time heals pain because I don't believe it. I think as time goes by we learn how to cope (I'm not there yet either) I pray God just gives me the strength to keep going and I pray he gives you the strength you need also. God Bless

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I'm so lost