I'm so lost
My name is Melissa, and I lost my much loved Gramma just over a month ago. She raised me most of my life, and was always my best friend. Actually, she was my heart, my anchor, my only stability and security growing up. I am so beside myself with grief. I feel like I am losing my mind.
I was with my Gram the morning it happened. I knew she wasn't doing well, and we had just put her on hospice. They called from her nursing home that morning, and said we needed to come in, that my Gram wasn't breathing well, and it wasn't good. I rushed there, and sat with her, and talked to her, my tears falling onto her face. I held her, and told her the same things I told her every day, that I love her more than anything, and she will be my best friend forever, and I am so sorry she has to go through all of this pain. I literally turned my head to grab my phone for 10 seconds, looked back, and she had stopped breathing.
The crazy thing is, I had just told her that as hard as it is, I didn't know how I could be without her, but if she had to go, I would be strong like she taught me. That is the first time I could get those words out to her, and then I turned my head, and she passed! I am so upset I turned around just then. I was hysterical, and couldn't breathe or move. My worst nightmare had come true.
That was a month ago, and for the first month, I think I was numb. I was just walking around in a daze. Once the one month mark came, it really hit me, and for the past week, I have been worse than ever. All I can think about is her, and horrible thoughts of her passing, and such. I feel like I am going crazy. I just cry and cry.
I just can't believe she is gone. For many years, I went to see her three times a day every single day at her nursing home. Now, she is just gone. I can not hold her hand or hug her again. I can't take the pain. It is so horrible.
I am tired of hearing that shes in a better place, and things will get better and so on. I can't even believe that.
Does anyone else feel like they are losing it from grief?
Thanks for listening.