I'm So Sorry Daddy

by Jude

I have no idea how to begin here. I have changed my introduction more than a dozen times, and I could not begin to say how I feel.I seldom talk to my father, and when I do i always end up hating my self. I used to tell myself
how my father does it...where did he get the talent for making people feel bad about themselves? We live in different time zones, my dad and I. He lives in the US and I live
somewhere in Asia. How he came to live so far away from us is another story.

And that story is why I believe my father met his tragic end. I could not forgive myself for what I did that compelled him to live miles away from us. I wish that the last time we
talked was a lot calmer and pleasant. I used to just be silent and take all what he has to say quietly even if the words hurt so bad. I did not however during that last talk with him just stayed quiet...now he is gone forever....in a place I am not sure whether he can hear me say I'm sorry and I love him.

I love you so much daddy... I'm sorry I hope you can hear me wherever you are. Now I understand you. You do not have the talent for making people feel bad about themselves...you just say the plain truth. Unlike others who only say what I like to hear, you choose to tell me the truth because no one was bold enough to open my eyes to the reality of life.

I promise to give your memory justice, I will be a person of integrity and dignity because that is what you want me to be.
I love you daddy, I'm sorry.

Comments for I'm So Sorry Daddy

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Sep 25, 2013
For Michele
by: Jude

I am glad that my story was able to move you and make you decide to patch things up with your father. God bless you and your family.

Sep 25, 2013
For Doreen
by: Jude

Doreen, thank you for your words they helped me to ease myself of the guilt somehow. You're right it's about time that I seek counseling. I was nineteen when my father moved away. Now I am 37. We haven't seen each other for 18 years and he died so far away from us. Someday I know that we will see each other, my dad and I, and I will finally be able to tell him how much I love him.

Thank you so much...

Sep 25, 2013
I'm So Sorry Daddy
by: Doreen UK

Jude I am sorry for your loss of your father. For whatever you did that caused your father to move far away from you was STILL HIS CHOICE. He was the Adult you were the child. Often our maturity level is such that we cannot see things till later in life and often by that time it is too late. It is just one of the difficulties of life. You should FREE YOURSELF from the guilt of thinking what you did sent your father away so far from you that you have to punish yourself for the rest of your life by never forgiving yourself for what happened and the part you played in this.
We all live with regrets of things we said or didn't say in life within our family. Often we cannot see what our parents are trying to teach us till later in life when it becomes too late. This is a harsh reality of life and quite normal for many people. If you are not a parent then you won't know that a parent's Love is so strong they can forgive their child ANYTHING. If this LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL. If the LOVE IS conditional the family dynamics can keep children tortured throughout life for any mistakes they made. You need to process this in an emotionally healthy way so that you can release yourself from the guilt of your past failures and what caused you and your father to separate. If your father was approachable you would probably have put things right. No parent is Perfect. Your father whilst being a man of Integrity with strictness would have had his faults also and you shouldn't carry the responsibility for this. There are boundaries between parents and children and if these boundaries are violated in any way only you can decide whether this has caused you to be so bruised by your father's death that you find it hard to resolve any forgiveness and healing for yourself. Don't waste time with not forgiving yourself for your human mistakes and shortcomings. We all have them. Perhaps seeing a counsellor may help you to release the pain you carry. I struggled with much all my life. I took myself off to counselling late in life and resolved my inner turmoil and pain and I found a FREEDOM I never thought was possible. I am a new person. Any struggle with un-forgiveness just evaporated and I don't struggle with this anymore. I wasted over 30yrs. trying to change. With counselling I did it in 4yrs. 4yrs. was all it took to change a lifetime of sorrow and unnecessary pain. Find a way to FREE yourself from your pain of the past and your relationship with your dad. It is possible to resolve this in a counselling room. I DID IT. IT WORKED FOR ME. I want you to find the same FREEDOM. You will be able to Honour your father in a new way with memories that will be healed. Unconditional Love is able to absorb un-forgiveness. So even if you didn't get to resolve issues with your father and to tell him You Loved Him. His unconditional Love for you would have taken care of this.

Sep 24, 2013
I'm Sorry Daddy
by: Michele

Dear Jude, I am so sorry for your loss. Especially because you lived so far from your dad. I lost my mom a year ago, but it feels like I lost her yesterday. I was extremely close to my mother. She was there for me and with me my entire life. She was a good mother. My father has lived 35 minutes away from me for years, but he chose his new wife before my sisters and I. When I was little I was very close to him. At 12 my parents divorced. My dad would pick us girls up each weekend. Until he me his future wife. She did not like it when we were there. So after at age 16 my father just stopped visiting us. He would come when I had a baby for just that day. and a year would pass. I am 44 years old now and five years would pass without nothing from my dad. 2 years ago his wife passed away. And last year my mom passed away. So now he is trying to get close to me and spend time with me. I have never cared before about not seeing him. My mom filled the role of mother and father to me and I was at peace with it. I had no anger at all towards my dad. Until my mom died. Once she passed...I didn't want to see him at all. I avoided him each time he went to my sisters. He expected to see me each time, but deep inside I have anger towards him for never being in my life. He has called me telling me he really misses me and wants to see me. I was nice and respectful to him. I just felt anger within me. And was surprised how it suddenly came about. After I read your story...It put tears in my eyes. Thanks to your story I am going to forgive my father and stop avoiding him. I am going to see him. My dad had always been genuinely nice and if I really ever needed him I know he would be there. So I am stopping the anger. Thank You and I know your dad knew you loved him. He is with you watching over you. He can hear you and he knows how you feel. When our loved ones pass away I believe they are by our sides. It is just hard because we cannot see them. But they are there. Thanks for sharing your grief...it has helped me. God bless you and your family.

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