I'm so sorry
by Lost in Greif
(Boynton Beach Fl USA)
I just dont know where to begin My mom we were so close for such a long time we were a team. My father her husband was mean and cruel he was a cancer in our house when I was growing up. My brother bailed out of the house when I was 7 that left me as the only child and the brunt of my fathers anger was focused on me and my mom.
I turn into an adult I marry a wonderful man a wedding that was to die for because of my mom, I could go to her for anything she was always there for me. But something changed and I am not sure where and when it changed, maybe the death of my brother? Or the death of my dad or even it changed because of me.
See Mom had such a crappy life she lived it the Scrooge and Grinch rolled into into on. But she was brought up that you DON'T DIVORCE. She had nothing my father kept everything for himself. She never had money to spend she had nothing in her own name. Well when my brother died my mother finally left my father. And I stepped in and gave my mom anything that she wanted I did things that she always wanted to do. But when these things were done Mum never seemed to be happy with whatever it was. I think I spoiled her where she got to the point to expect things.
She rarely called me unless it was an issue this or that isn't working. We bought her a new house and new car but never she seemed happy about it.
Then my moms health started to fail she had COPD I got her on state care we could not afford the medications. Then she started to show sighs of Alzheimer's and that alone was an argument, I know my mother slipped into a depression when her son dies but she refused to take any meds to help her. She was a very anxious person easily excitable and yells a lot.
I love my mom she is my MOM their is no one who could take her place. As I grew older we found less and less things in common with one another.
I have all her mail sent to me I pay her bills she does not have the skill to do these she had never handled a checkbook in her life and she likes to spend so I had to do an allowance. My mom was like at 12 year old in a 70's body
I could have gone over to see her more but that usually led to work on problems or complaints about everything and everyone. She lived across the street from the clubhouse and pool she NEVER once went to any of the functions. Going over there was never fun, so I avoided it. Sounds pretty bad of me huh? Well I certainly feel that way. When she would call here I would not answer and she would not leave a message so in my thinking it was not that important.
I go on a 2 vacation every year at the same time I have been doing this for the last 10 years. Well it got to the point I could not tell her that I was going away because she would get herself all worked up that I would not be 5 min away. Even though I had people here that would go to her in seconds if she need any help. I would call her from vacation and let her know I was gone and would be home next week. This worked for the last few years she was calmer knowing I would be home in a few days and did not even notice I had already been gone.
Well this year did not work out so well my mom was washing her car on May 8 she was so proud that she got it all clean and she had done somethings in the house and she was happy, no signs of any trouble. I took her shopping before I left for all her groceries and Sundry s so she would not have to go out she still drives but only to grocery store or drugstore. But Shopping had become hard due to bringing the grocery's into the house in the heat and with her breathing. So I mad sure everything was seen to before I left I mailed her Mothers day card so she would have gotten it on Sat.
I left May 9th while on vacation May 19 I checked the bank accounts and see if mom had enough money cuz she likes to spend and not one penny had been spent from her account, instantly I have a bad feeling I call her house at 9 am no answer now I panic my mother could not have gone anywhere by 9 am she has such a ritual in the morning with her bird and dog. Sent a friend by to check on her and My mom was found laying dead on the floor. She had what is called an Unattended death she was dead for 5 days and in Florida as hot as it is she had the heat in the house on. I had no idea how bad that was. I have such feelings of guilt and remorse so much that I feel as if I am dieing. I loved her yes she got on my nerves and aggravated me but I loved her I would have given my life for her. She had a massive heart attack she was dead before she even collapsed to the floor. What to do I am so lost and in so much pain I feel like a failed her let her down WHAT A HORRIBLE WAY TO DIE and I let this happen to my mother. Her house is uninhabitable we need a special cleaning company and I may loose things that were precious to her. I failed and I don't know how to move past this. I always told her I loved her every time I left her or hung up the phone but I never got that last goodbye I never got that chance to drill it in her head she meant the world to me and always will.