I'm still so angry....

by Sam

My mother was murdered on September 18, 2009 by a neighbor's delinquent and scum of the earth boyfriend. She was 58 years old and a school teacher! On that day, I not only lost my mother, my strength, and my soul but 23 9 year olds lost their teacher. Tomorrow is the 5 year anniversary, and this year seems different then most. I have my own family now and instead of pain and sadness, I am angry. I am angry at life for dealing me these cards. For making me find my own way through my adult life without the guidance of my mom. I am angry that I can not pick up the phone and ask a question or just tell her I love her. I still have so many questions as to why her... What was he thinking? Was he thinking at all.... I guess all my questions start with Why?

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Sep 28, 2014
Hi Sam, I need your help!
by: Jennie

Please click on "The Grief Club" button on the left for access to the new Forum. We want to keep this great online grief resource going and need your help! Please re-post this or put a new submission there. All your friends are waiting...

Hi Judith from California, Pat from Green Bay, and Anonymous MI:

Could you please contact me via "Contact Us" button to the left? I need your help for the transition. Thanks so much!

Sep 18, 2014
I am stilll so angry
by: Jane

Dear Sam, of the little word "why" you will never get an answer. I am so sorry what happend to your Mom. My Mom died, because she was sick, but she still could live, her doctor has made a big mistake. She didn´t see that my mom has got a lot of water in her stomacke. Twice we went to her, and twice she said to my Mom, it is all okay. When I put my self a 20kg potatoes around me, I couldn´t breathe and walk neither. And 6 weeks later my Mom was death. Be sure Sam, I really can understand your big Anger. I still have much Anger in me of this doctor. Than I( see her in the City she cannot look at me. That shows me, that she knew, that she did something wrong with my mom. But all my Anger doesn´´t bring me my mom back. Why her? Why did the doctor make this terrible mistake? Why this way? Why? why? Why my Mom?No answer. But I learned to accept it. My Mom used to say,than she was still alive, Jane, than your time is over on this earth,than you have to go. But than somebody get murdered it is much more harder to understand. You thinking, why my mom? Oh Sam, I don´t know. But as hard as it is, we have to learn to accept it one day. Otherwise we only make our self sick too. Anger, hate and all this feelings making us sick. I know it is difficult, because your Mom wasn´t sick, she got murdered. It is hard now for you to believe in God, but he is the only one you will find help. For sure, you going angry with me now, than you are reading this words and thinking, where was God when my mother got killed? But still sam, he is the only one who can bring you freedom in your Anger. It is a hard way for you. But if I could I would bring you your Mom back. If you are angry with me and my words I have written, I´ll understand. But someday you have to learn to trust in God again, otherwise your Anger is killing you inside your heart. Let the Anger out of there and make room there for your loving mom. You are going to make your Mom happy when you will feel love inside your heart. Sure, the Anger will come again sometimes, but some time when you don´t feel so much Anger, you can feel the big love of your Mom in your heart. She is still with you on your side. Not like you want her, but different. Maybe you can talk with her and you can find your freedom day by day. It´s a pretty hard way. Because I have sometimes still Anger of the doctor from my mom too. But I am hearing my Mom in my heart saying, "Jane, my time was over. But I don´t know if I ever get rid of my Anger of this doctor. But it changes. It is not there every day anymore. This Anger can eat you up from the inside and let you die. Our Moms wouldn´t like that be happen. We have to learn to accept it and live our life that our Moms can be proud of us. Let your Anger out with writing to her, doing some sports and there will be place for love inside your heart. Just try to make your mom happy and proud of you. She is waiting for you. Talk to her. She loves you so much. Jane

Sep 18, 2014
I'm still so angry......
by: Doreen UK

Sam I am so sorry for your loss of your mother to a senseless murder that has caused so much pain for you all as a family and in her job as a teacher. Many people act in rage and anger and hurt the lives of the families who have to live with this hurt for the rest of their lives.
Try and see a grief counsellor to help you work through your anger so that it does not consume your life to the point you miss out on the quality of life you should be having.
Your post comes in the middle of the grief families in the UK are feeling now having lost 2 of their children when holidaying in Thailand. Two people who were out to enjoy a holiday and met with losing their lives in such a brutal killing. My daughter has not long returned from this same Island in Thailand where her friend was angry with her because she did not want to go to the beach party. She sat out whilst her friend danced and raved like a mad woman and spouting nonsense as if she was on drugs. My daughter then walked out on her constantly abusive friend and started the trek through Thailand on her own. I as a mom was so worried and Prayed for her safe return home. I wouldn't have coped if my daughter was murdered on her first holiday abroad. WE are becoming more and more hurt by life and all the killings of innocent people. WE live in a very DEPRAVED world and need to Pray more for our own safety.

Sep 17, 2014
so sorry
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry for your loss. I had no good memories of my mother. Your Mom would want you to remember the good times and love people so there may be one less demented people in the world. I know this might not help much, so I will pray that you have some kind of peace Mary.

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