I'm stunned still...... Is it real?

by Jemima

My dad was feeling burning when he ate last year and didn't tell us for a few weeks, he also used to spray paint little trains he made without a mask and I'm angry with him also forthat. We found out after a second opinion because the first doctor said nothing was wrong that dad had pancreatic cancer, I remember rushing over to his house as I couldn't wait for the diagnosis by phone, when I got there I knew. I remember everything the jumper the look on his face, a year he said, he had hope , I was devastated, it was my birthday it was the most crushing feeling I ever had. He didn't see it as us losing him he saw it as him losing us. Six weeks later I was called to the hospital , I walked into the room to see this shell of a man struggling to breathe and I broke down. Six weeks? We were told a year...what? I hadn't even got around the cancer let alone losing him, I looked at him and said I love you and he took his mask off and said the same. Five minutes later I held his hand and kissed it and he slipped away. Worst thing is that I walked out of the hospital and saw that life was just going on whilst mine had crumbled,
My poor dad so,wanted to live and he didn't deserve to die after seven months I'm still in denial, shock and anger. I don't know when it will clear. But one thing I will always be defiant that was he fought it with bravery and fortitude and I am gutted he will never be there to walk me up the aisle. My father was ace. And I've lost my role model.
I just don't know what to do right now.

Comments for I'm stunned still...... Is it real?

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Apr 28, 2014
still numb thank.you all
by: jemima

Thank you all and you can always message me if you want to. They were lovely and comforting to read. My heart is still broken though. I hope.i heal soon x x

Apr 27, 2014
Is it real
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry about your father. I had the same feeling when my father passed "is it real". I remember asking a friend the same thing. It doesn't register. We wonder if it was only a bad dream. Sometimes I still do one year later. Where did they go? I am sorry. I'm not helping. But we did have wonderful Dad's which some people were not fortunate enough to have.

Apr 23, 2014
Dear Jemima,
by: Anonymous

I'm so sorry to read about your father. I lost my father last year, he died suddenly, and not a day goes by that I don't think about him. Each day will get a bit easier - take your time and be kind to yourself. Know that you are not alone - you will be in my thoughts. Barb

Apr 23, 2014
I'm stunned still......... Is it real?
by: Doreen UK

Jemima what you described in your experience of losing your Dad is the worst feeling ever. just to hear the word Cancer fills one with dread. My husband of 44yrs was told in such a clinical way. "You have a rare and serious lung cancer and it is inoperable, incurable, aggressive, and we will start Chemotherapy immediately". I felt our lives pass very quickly and all I could feel was "Oh my God you are going to die" "What am I going to do without you?" I cried and cried and that was the start of my grief. My poor husband didn't know what to expect. Can you imagine being told you are going to die? What that must feel like KNOWING. I felt helpless as I nursed him through the worst cancer journey. Little care and so much pain. He didn't want to die. He died 2yrs. next week. I got through it by taking ONE DAY AT A TIME. I still can't look too far forward. This is all you can do. The initial days are the worst. The pain of grief is so painful you feel as if you will never recover. I am feeling the strain now of looking after my daughter, even if she is an Adult. I still feel responsible for her as long as she is living at home. I have to put things in place for her best welfare, Just as her dad did. The world takes on such a different hue it makes one feel they don't want to be here anymore. Life is not the same. NEVER WILL BE. Try and build yourself up each day as this is the start of healing from grief. I am sorry for your loss.

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