in excruciating pain
i lost my husband in march 2009 and i STILL cant get over it. he was 26 yrs old, didnt drink, smoke, or do drugs and was in great physical health with no underlying medical conditions and he got sick. i took him to an urgent care center on march 17th and the doctor told us he had type b flu "not the deadly kind" were the doctors exact words. she sent us home with a cough suppressant. he layed around the rest of the day and then that night he vomited and i thought its just the flu. i didnt go in the bathroom when he was getting sick because he hated to be bothered when he was throwing up. around 4am i asked him if he needed to go to the hospital and he said i dont know so instead of getting the kids up and trying to wake someone up to watch them i decided we would see how he felt in the morning. when the sun came up and i could see his face i noticed he had blood dried around his mouth and nose so i told him that we were going to the emergency room and he said "no, i just need to take a hot bath". i said "no, we're going now!". we took the kids to my moms and headed to the ER. about 3 or 4 block before we got to the ER i asked him if he was ok and he said yes so i just concentrated on getting there as quick as i could. when we pulled up i turned to him to tell him it was time to get out of the car and he was just gone. i didnt see him breathing and couldnt feel air coming from his nose or mouth so i checked his wrist and neck for a pulse and couldnt find one. i went in the ER and told them i needed someone to help me get him out of the car because he wasnt responding to me and they told me to go back out and drive him to the ambulance bay. by the time i pulled around there was a nurse and the ER doctor waiting and the nurse opened the car door and screamed "oh my god, he's cyanotic" and i looked over and his face was blue. she jumped in the car and started beating on his chest. they got him out and on a gurny and into the hospital. i never saw him again until they called time of death an hour and a half later. he was gone just like that. it turned out he had double pneumonia and a massive lung infection. that was on march 19th 2009. its now march 24th 2011 and it seems like yesterday. i relive that every day. the pain is unbearable. i am bipolar and was already in a major depressive episode that i had not been able to get under control for the 4yrs previous to his death and then when this happened i really went down hill. ive been in a mental hospital twice since then and no medications or therapy has worked. i just recently got out of the second hospital where i went to have electric shock therapy to help the depression. i had one treatment and the pain i had in my head when i woke up was so excrutiating that i couldnt undergo a minimum of 5 more treatments. now i'm back to where i started, in so much emotional pain that i just want to die. we had six kids between us and my 3 youngest are still at home and i cant even take care of them. i dont know what to do. i cant committ suicide because i cant stand the thought of my kids growing up without a mother and a father. i feel like i'm stuck. when my heart is not aching to the point i want to die, i just dont feel anything at all. i cant sleep. i cant eat. i feel like this pain is never going to end. when i do happen to finally doze off, i instantly awake with a feeling of dread and panick and the thought comes that he's gone and he's not coming back and its unbearable. i'm stuck in the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th stages of the 7 stages of grief. they just keep recycling over and over and the depression is killing me. people keep telling me it takes time but its been 2 yrs and its all STILL so excruciatingly painful. please help. i dont know what to do.