in excruciating pain

by jamie

i lost my husband in march 2009 and i STILL cant get over it. he was 26 yrs old, didnt drink, smoke, or do drugs and was in great physical health with no underlying medical conditions and he got sick. i took him to an urgent care center on march 17th and the doctor told us he had type b flu "not the deadly kind" were the doctors exact words. she sent us home with a cough suppressant. he layed around the rest of the day and then that night he vomited and i thought its just the flu. i didnt go in the bathroom when he was getting sick because he hated to be bothered when he was throwing up. around 4am i asked him if he needed to go to the hospital and he said i dont know so instead of getting the kids up and trying to wake someone up to watch them i decided we would see how he felt in the morning. when the sun came up and i could see his face i noticed he had blood dried around his mouth and nose so i told him that we were going to the emergency room and he said "no, i just need to take a hot bath". i said "no, we're going now!". we took the kids to my moms and headed to the ER. about 3 or 4 block before we got to the ER i asked him if he was ok and he said yes so i just concentrated on getting there as quick as i could. when we pulled up i turned to him to tell him it was time to get out of the car and he was just gone. i didnt see him breathing and couldnt feel air coming from his nose or mouth so i checked his wrist and neck for a pulse and couldnt find one. i went in the ER and told them i needed someone to help me get him out of the car because he wasnt responding to me and they told me to go back out and drive him to the ambulance bay. by the time i pulled around there was a nurse and the ER doctor waiting and the nurse opened the car door and screamed "oh my god, he's cyanotic" and i looked over and his face was blue. she jumped in the car and started beating on his chest. they got him out and on a gurny and into the hospital. i never saw him again until they called time of death an hour and a half later. he was gone just like that. it turned out he had double pneumonia and a massive lung infection. that was on march 19th 2009. its now march 24th 2011 and it seems like yesterday. i relive that every day. the pain is unbearable. i am bipolar and was already in a major depressive episode that i had not been able to get under control for the 4yrs previous to his death and then when this happened i really went down hill. ive been in a mental hospital twice since then and no medications or therapy has worked. i just recently got out of the second hospital where i went to have electric shock therapy to help the depression. i had one treatment and the pain i had in my head when i woke up was so excrutiating that i couldnt undergo a minimum of 5 more treatments. now i'm back to where i started, in so much emotional pain that i just want to die. we had six kids between us and my 3 youngest are still at home and i cant even take care of them. i dont know what to do. i cant committ suicide because i cant stand the thought of my kids growing up without a mother and a father. i feel like i'm stuck. when my heart is not aching to the point i want to die, i just dont feel anything at all. i cant sleep. i cant eat. i feel like this pain is never going to end. when i do happen to finally doze off, i instantly awake with a feeling of dread and panick and the thought comes that he's gone and he's not coming back and its unbearable. i'm stuck in the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th stages of the 7 stages of grief. they just keep recycling over and over and the depression is killing me. people keep telling me it takes time but its been 2 yrs and its all STILL so excruciatingly painful. please help. i dont know what to do.

Comments for in excruciating pain

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Apr 10, 2011
You are their whole world.
by: Margaret

I only want to echo the comments others have made. I also lost my husband suddenly and we also have 3 small children. In the year since my husband died I have thought many times of joining him but I know that would be the end to my children. They need me now more than ever. I have tried to put suicide out of my mind permanently when I read that suicide is contagious. If I were to commit suicide now, my 3 year son could decide to join me when he becomes a teenager. That thought horrified me. Recently, I received a card from a friend that really said it all: "To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world." We are our children's whole world right now and they need us to stay present in it. God bless you. I am praying you will be able to find some good professionals to help you through this terrible time. Best wishes.

Mar 28, 2011
in excruciating pain
by: jamie

thank you all for your support and caring. i do have help with the kids right now. my mom is keeping them until school is out so that maybe i can start feeling better. i have a doctors appointment tomorrow and hopefully they can find a new medication that will start working. i am glad i found this website. at least i know it's not just me and again thank you so much.

Mar 27, 2011
by: Judy

My heart goes out to you in your pain.

If you have any thoughts of suicide at all you need to talk to your counselors/doctors now. Maybe they can change meds or maybe you need a counselors specific to grief or maybe you need a group of others who are bereaved and can tell you this crazy quilt of emotions is not unique to you alone. At any rate you have a double burden with grief and you bi-polar illness bombarding you at the same time.

Can you get some help with the kids? Three kids is a full-time job by itself. Can they maybe spend one night a week with Grandma so you would have a night to rest and pull yourself together? Think about what you need help with and then ask for it-family, friends, counselor.

Know that our thoughts and prayers go with you.


Mar 25, 2011
To Jamie with Love
by: Julie

Jamie, I am very very sorry you are in such pain. It must be terrible beyond anything to loose a spouse that young. I just wanted to share with you that my father in law was bi-polar and stopped taking his medication and committed suicide it will be 5 years ago this September. I am sharing this with you because it is very important for you to reach out to professional grief counselors or doctors and get the help you deserve. For you, for your family, for your future. You are very important. Your family needs you. You make a difference in your kids lives. They would miss you terribly if you weren't here in the future for them. Think of it this way, concentrate on what you can do to make you better to make a better future for all of you, and it starts with you. I believe in you. I have had a lot of grief to struggle through myself, nothing like loosing a spouse though, but sometimes I just have to tell myself, God, just let me help someone today. Maybe me, maybe someone else. At least it is making a difference. I also have a premature daughter that was delivered 15 weeks early, but her health is fine now. She was in the ICU for 105 days after being born. As my father in law was in the hospital on the vent dying, I remember how mad I was to think that his grand daughter had fought for her life and he took his. But it didn't take me long to come to the reality that he wasn't himself. He went off his meds, which you probably know is common with bi-polar disease. He loved to eat, and when he went to the restaurant to order his food that day, he acted like he was in a "fog" and was going to leave without even eating, and he had paid the bill. That wasn't him. Anyway, I'm not angry anymore, I just wish he would have realized sooner that his granddaughter sure would have like to grow up doing things with her grandpa. I know his family sure misses him. Thanks for listening and please please reach out to a counselor or doctor. You will get better.

Mar 25, 2011
Grief Couseling
by: Dannie

You have been through a terrible experience. Please seek the help of a professional grief counselor. Although you have been under the care of a health professional for your bi-polar disorder, you also need the advice of someone that specializes in dealing with grief and the overwhelming loss you feel.

I lost my husband suddenly 4 months ago and there have been times that I just want to join him in eternity. But that is not the solution.
Read these blogs and you will see that you are not alone. I wish I was near you so I could wrap my arms around you and help you to feel better, but in the meantime please know that love and prayers are going your way and please seek the help of a professional grief counselor.

Mar 24, 2011
by: kay

What you have been through is so terrible...pain of losing your husband the way you did and being so young. My heart goes out to you. I lost my 23 year old son in May last year and the pain is just getting worse...I dont know how you are able to care for your children...Have you any help? The thoughts of ending it all have entered my mind on many occasions. The only reason I cant is my grandchildren. I couldnt leave them knowing how they would be affected just the same as leaving your children would be darling...It must be so difficult...but please remember that you are not alone..I send to you tons of inner healing and love...I am sorry I have no real answers but I am thinking of you ...please take care. xxx love Kay

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