In Memoriam

by Avanthika.C

September 18th, 2013

Wednesday. The middle child of the weekday family. It often passes away unnoticed by the ever-busy people yearning for the weekend. But not for me.
Today was the day I lost my grandfather. He was 86. He died of Pulmonary Fibrosis, a disease that has no cure. He passed away at 8:46 am, when I was upstairs, learning for my biology practical. I knew something was wrong, although my parents asked me to go and study, telling me that they’ll have to admit him. But he no longer lived to see the insides of a hospital, for by the time the ambulance got here; he had passed away in my father’s arms.
The shock was unbelievable. I had expected him to go someday judging by his disease, but not today. Not so suddenly. He had had a fever the night before, but it seemed normal-ish. Everything seemed fine, even in the morning. But this just shows how suddenly life changes, at the very instant.
This was my first experience of losing a loved one. I had seen people die before but this was the first time I lost someone close to me. The grief was new, intolerable at first. At first, my heart couldn’t accept what my brain already had. Then it hit me. I was never going to see my granddad smiling ever again. I didn’t know how to come to terms with the fact. I saw tears in everyone’s eyes. My cousin stayed with me, and told me about all the memories she had with him. My only regret was the fact that even though I lived in the same house, I never said goodbye. I went to his room in the morning, to get a book. He was sleeping, turning to the other side. I figured I’d say Hi later. But later never came. That was my last glimpse of my granddad alive.
I went to see the body. I’d never seen a body before, except in movies. It shocked me how his mouth was open. It was shocking that I burst, right there. It took me three long hours to control my tears. Then, surprisingly, a wave of calm passed over me. It was done. There was no point crying about it anymore. I still cried, sometimes. But I tried to engage myself in other stuff, just to get my mind of it. I’m trying my hardest, even now, pounding at the keyboard, just to stop my feelings to overwhelm me. But I know that I can’t run away from my thoughts. I’ll have to face them sometime.
Regrets? Not having said goodbye. Not having talked properly with him in his last few days. There are plenty. But just these regrets ain’t going to get me anywhere. Being strong is a hard thing, but I’ll try my best to hang on. The memories will remain, but the happy ones. I’ll try my best to move on. It’s a beyond belief feeling, but to cope I must try. Try and try. Probably I may have no other choice. But I know, up there, he’ll want me to be happy. We all loved him, but the Lord loved him more.

Comments for In Memoriam

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Sep 23, 2013
In Memoriam
by: Doreen

Avanthika I am sorry for your loss of your grandfather. I know what you mean about seeing a body of the one you loved just lying there with on life in it. It is quite a startling experience. I lost my husband to cancer 16 months ago and this is one memory I have over and over again especially every Saturday the day of the week he died. I don't have to think of this memory. It is just there. A body once with life in it cancelling out any more years of happiness.
I know you are trying to be brave. You use the word TRYING a lot. I feel your struggle. Don't try too hard to change anything in your world. Secret is TAKING ONE DAY AT A TIME. Let each day unfold and crying is part of your grief. Once you express your grief and sadness as often as you need to you will automatically be moving forward without even having to TRY. Just let life unfold as it does because we never know from one day to the next what other problem will come our way. We go one each day just living and never knowing when death will come to us. When our loved one's reach old age we expect their days will be numbered, but still a shock when it comes. We will never be quite prepared to lose our loved ones. It is human nature to want to hold onto our loved ones forever. Death throws up many things for us and even evaluates our lives and how we move forward. How we think of those we have left in our life. I wish you better days ahead. Life will get better in time.

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