In my arms..

My dad passed away in my arms from a heart attack. We did not have the best relationship for the past year. Its true what they say. The most bitter tears are that are shed are the words that are left unsaid. I still don't believe it. He died in my arms. I tried to save him. His tongue was curling back into his throat. I tried to move it with my finger. I screamed for my neighbour to drive faster. I cradled my dad in my arms trying to keep his body still. We were almost at the hospital, we were going to make it. And then he was gone. I could feel it. Somehow I just knew. There I stood in my blue pajamas, in the trauma unit. My neighbour next to me. My mum still at work. My sister still at school. I still dont believe it. He died in my arms. It feels like a movie. I wish I could go somewhere far away. To get away from it all. It feels like time is pushing me forward, but I just want to lay here. Nobody understands.Not my mum nor my sister. They werent there.

Comments for In my arms..

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May 24, 2012
by: Helen

I used to stay up at night wondering about my own mortality had had a great fear of dying, when I was in my twentys, spirituality helped me through this dilemma.
I went regularly to a spiritualist group when I was younger and believe there is life after death. I also had a near death experience (car accident) and know intuitively we are all pure energy, after we leave our mortal bodies
I went to India for 6 months and met others who had experienced the same things I did.
I met my husband whilst delving into Eastern religions.
Eastern religions, especially, Hinduism and Buddhism gave me the most insight.
No matter what your religion, there is a universal light call it God, Nature, Love, all will help us understand the mysteries of life and our own mortality.

May 24, 2012
pain inside me
by: Vhie from North London

i am very sorry, you must be experiencing pain at this moment in time.
just like you, i have lost someone who is very dearly. Although he did not die in my arms, he was with me when it happened. it has been 2 years since i lost my husband and i am still feeling the pain and i don't know how to get rid of this feeling. No other family member was there when i found my husband dead in our bed.

As I read your experience, it seems that i can see myself in your situation. The anguish of losing someone was so painful and the emotion that you feel can not be described. My family has experienced a death however they did not see how he died, or how I panic, and the fear i have experienced, the emotions. They think that they know how i felt. I am still experiencing many emotions as I tried to come to terms with him no longer in our side. At times i felt like i let my children down.

He has been gone for 2 years now, but the grief inside me still eating me slowly. The " only if" words...but there is no way I could have prevented his death or could have done to prevent it.
There have been many days where I feel grief is embracing me and is difficult to get out.

I am hoping that one day this feeling will go away and be the person I used to be, strong and had determination.I hope you find peace in yourself

May 24, 2012
Thank you
by: Katherine

Thank you for replying! I felt so alone in my grief because nobody else in my family feels the way I do. He died on August 15th 2011-the worst day of my life.To see somebody who has always been so strong crumble is devastating. The fear of death keeps me up at night. The realisation of my own mortality is numbing, forcing me to question everything I believe in. The guilt is overwhelming.Logically I understand theres nothing I could have done-but my subconscious doesnt let me rest. I do have good days, where I appreciate life and my family. But its the night that gets to me. I am so sorry that your dad passed away, and for the traumatic way in which you found him. I hope you find healing as it is still early days for you.The one question I always find myself asking is "Where did he go!". I know it sounds stupid but a part of my brain doesnt want to accept that there is no true logical answer. I will always remember the day after he died I felt so overcome with grief I thought I couldnt take it anymore- and then I saw a beautiful rainbow emerge. I guess thats my answer.

May 23, 2012
Traumatic for you
by: Helen

O the trauma, and shock you must be experiencing at this moment in time.
No other family member was there to see and feel the emotions you where going through when your dad died so
Tragically and unexpectedly.
As I read your experience I can only imagine the anguish and sheer terror of watching your beloved father die in front of you.
I saw my dad dead on the floor after he died alone (he died unexpectedlly from a heart attack) that was so painful and the depth of emotion was so deep.
Your family has experienced a death in the family however they did not see "how" he died, or feel the panic, fear or emotions you experienced as you "watched" your dad die.
I saw my dad after he died, and experienced many emotions as I tried to come to grips with him dying so suddenly.
I'm just beginning to realize now, he's been gone just over 3 months, there is no way I could have prevented his death, nothing, I could have done to prevent it, even though I've been over a thousand scenarios on trying to stop dad dying.
There have been days where I feel like I'm not on this planet and life is just passing me by, however with family and friends, my life is gaining some sanity and normality
My dad had a saying when anyone he knew died, "a bubble has to burst sometime " I never wanted his to burst and it did and it sucks.
I hope you find some peace and acceptance with your fathers death and you don't alienate yourself from your family as they may be a source of comfort to you down the road to recovery.

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