Is any one else still muddled at this point?

by Judy
(Rockledge FL)

Barry has been gone for 16 months now. I'm doing ok in most ways, but I still feel muddled emotionally. Some days I am clear headed, reasonably happy and feel like there is a future peeking through the clouds at me.

Yesterday, without any real reason, I started thinking about every fight we ever had, all the things I would have done differently if I'd known our time was so short together. I relived his final days and listed everything I should have done differently. I woke up in the night heartsick over the hospital putting his hands in restraints. I should have just sat there and held his hands (he was trying to pull out the breathing tube). Maybe he was trying to tell me to let him go and I didn't get it, and prolonged his pain because of that.

I can't change any of this and I can't figure out why it is haunting me now.

I actually have started going through Barry's clothes and felt really proud of myself for taking this (for me) giant hurdle. Now this. Did I miss a step in grieving and have to go back again? Has anyone else had this experience?


Comments for Is any one else still muddled at this point?

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Mar 10, 2011
Where is that yellow brick road anyway?


Yes absolutely! I was just thinking this morning how far I have come and that things feel like they might be o.k and just the thought of that made me cry as if I did not have the right to be O.K. That my life had changed so dramatically and as unaccepting as I was it changed itself. I was not the co-pilot, just along for the grief ride.

I will relive things that I said that were stupid of me to quibble over and told Paul why I feared this or that in my mind of course. Remorse- things I should have said or left alone.

Our priorities are so different now aren't they?
I guess we will relive that moment when they were sick or when they died from time to time because we haven't forgiven our selves for the outcome.

We know that things would still be the same yet will always feel that we could have done this or that and....

Muddled ah yeah to put it mildly. But I also need to forgive myself for being human. I am different now, and will never ever be the same person I was then. I miss him, always will but one day I hope to be able to shrug off bad memories that keep me from being who I can be.
One day...

Mar 10, 2011
yes and no
by: Jackie

Hi Judy, yes I am muddled. Some days are better than others. My husband Loni passed away in Oct. The last couple days I have been replaying the last days in my head over and over. I try to think what I could have done. After awhile I realize there is nothing different I could have done. I was there with him everyday until there was nothing else to do but turn off life support. I still can't believe he died. I am sorry for your loss as well as for all of us. Yes some days are ok, but not good. I hope someday to not feel the pain so much. This winter with the horrible weather has been especially hard being stuck inside so much. We are all here for each other. This site helps me get through the day. Take care of yourself.

Mar 10, 2011
by: Jess

I am with you, my dear. I have been muddling through this for the past 22 months. I have days that I wake up and say....I can do this....with a smile. Then there are days that I wake up, rollover, and touch the pillow next to me and start to cry. I have relived John's last days in my head many many times....some with the realization that there was no way to stop what happened, some with the guilt that I should have seen it sooner. With all of them I get that tear jerking, heart wrenching pain that I felt that day, the total feeling of being powerless....I dont know why we feel we are superhuman, that we should have been able to stop it. Nor why we have the guilt. I have turned to GOD in many ways, more so than I ever have before. He took my love because he was a wonderful, selfless, generous, loving, brave soul. He needed him. I look at his photo, next to me right now, and smile. He gave me soooo much in my life. Most of all he showed me how to love. That there are no boundaries. I hold his heart, and him mine. He will always have it, as I will always have his. Death does not change that. So, for now, I breathe, smile when I can, cry when I cant, laugh, love, and am learning to live again. My thoughts are with you. Always. They are with everyone on this site. We are all in this together. Even though we dont want to be, and that we can never change, we accept, talk, laugh, cry and mourn together. My personal email is if anyone of you wants to talk to me, it helps. I may be miles away, or around the corner, but I am here nonetheless.

Mar 10, 2011
I know how you feel
by: Elisa Medhus

I'm told everyone goes through the process of grief according to their own timetable. It's been 16 months or so for me too and I can't even enter Erik's room. Of course that's where I found him after he shot himself, so you can imagine. But I'm proud of you for leaning into the grief. What courage.

Mar 10, 2011
Muddled from time to time.
by: Judith

Yes, Judy we all have gone through it or will go through it again. I just pulled some clothes from his closet about a week ago and put them in a bag and doing so I cried my eyes out thinking of how handsome he looked in them. I still haven't taken them to Goodwill. It's just we can't get away from our memories, nor should we. We move on in time and over time I'm guessing, because it's only been 6 months for me, that we will have more good days than emotionally hard ones. I too remember the fights we had. Well it was the only fight over and over. There was, nor would have been, resolve to it because he felt he was right. I have to let that go too. We all feel some guilt for things we should have said or done, could have said or done differently, but it was what it was. I'm very sure if we had died before them they would have had the same guilt. We loved them in spite of disagreements. We love unconditionally. I know that if I could have him back I'd make an attempt to do it differently, but him being who he was it would still be the same and that would be okay .

Take care and God bless your day and help you with your struggle.

Mar 10, 2011
Still muddled
by: M Mack

Hi Judy,

It will be 8 months for me on the 23rd. I visit thoughts of our past life every day. Not one day passes for me that I don't have reminders or a clear memory of us. I'm not sure but my subconscious might be bringing me to these places. Sometimes I handle the memories very well. Then a few days later I might end up so down I just want to be left alone. From everything I've read about grief and what the survivors go through, this normal. If you go backwards some days, it's ok. It's your spirit helping you to face something that's been bothering you for some time. It's your way and time to forgive yourself, to realize that you did nothing wrong and accept the fact that it was Barry's time to go. We all feel regret when we live through the passing of a loved one. When in reality, we're searching for a reason....why did this happen and what I could have done to prevent it. You are probably working on getting closure with all the events that occurred during that time. Don't blame yourself for anything. Accept the fact that what you did during that time was for him. You were suffering along side of him at the time. If you didn't grab his hand from pulling on the tubes it was because you were afraid. I have so much regret for not insisting on my love to see a doctor immediately when he said his chest was tight. Why did I do that? I might have saved his life if only I did something. So for you I believe your regret stems from fear. You were afraid of losing him and fear can paralyze you. Please don't be hard on yourself. This might be the time of you're grief that you are strong enough to deal with these memories without fallng apart. I'm praying that we can all find the time and place to settle the hurt that causes delays in our progress on this path to recovery. Take care, you're dong a good job. Prayers and hugs for a clear path.

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