Is any one else still muddled at this point?
Barry has been gone for 16 months now. I'm doing ok in most ways, but I still feel muddled emotionally. Some days I am clear headed, reasonably happy and feel like there is a future peeking through the clouds at me.
Yesterday, without any real reason, I started thinking about every fight we ever had, all the things I would have done differently if I'd known our time was so short together. I relived his final days and listed everything I should have done differently. I woke up in the night heartsick over the hospital putting his hands in restraints. I should have just sat there and held his hands (he was trying to pull out the breathing tube). Maybe he was trying to tell me to let him go and I didn't get it, and prolonged his pain because of that.
I can't change any of this and I can't figure out why it is haunting me now.
I actually have started going through Barry's clothes and felt really proud of myself for taking this (for me) giant hurdle. Now this. Did I miss a step in grieving and have to go back again? Has anyone else had this experience?