Is it really over?

by Lisa
(Ontario Canada)

Is it really over?
I was with my common-law husband for over eleven years, we had always our ups and downs it wasn’t perfect by hey,,,nobody’s is: We have a wonderful son together he just turn eight years old. In may I was very upset at him because he didn’t attend my mother’s 60th, birthday party, after he promise he would come and spend that very special day with us, he was always present at all my family’s gatherings. I was very upset at him for not going that day, I gave him the silent treatment for about a week, after that week he asked me to talk we did, he said that he wasn’t bother by the fact that I wasn’t talking to him anymore, he said that we should go our separate ways, he said that he was asking God for guidance and that God listened to him because the next day he was feeling fine. He said that he wasn’t missing me, he said he was feeling fine without me. I didn’t fight him on that I just accepted it and said fine, if that is what you want there is nothing I can do about it, I told him that I was not going to change his mind.
We stayed in the same house (his parents house by the way) and he was acting normal, and so was I. He would asked me to watch movies with him, have a drink with him etc. SO I thought he just needed time to come around, he just needed nice quality time with me to come around. One day on June 21/13 I got very upset at him, I found out he had a secret facebook account. I confronted him about it and he didn’t denied it, I told him if he wanted me out of the house, all he needs to do is to say it. He said “If you want to leave just leave, I am not going to stop you” I was shocked to what he said I was very angry at that point I just grabbed a few things for me and for my son and I left to my mothers. A week an a half later he texted me trying to small talk, I was so angry at him I kind of ignored him, the same day he showed up at my work place with flowers, he said he needed to talk to me for at least five minutes, I agreed and we went outside my office to talk. He told me that he couldn’t live without me, that he misses me a lot, that is something stronger than him, that the things he said he said it out of anger and frustration, he asked me to come back home. The short of it all is that I did, I went home two day later after that. He was so sweet, and so caring, I really felt that big huge love he had for me. It was fine for a while after two months later we got into another argument and he said that same things, that he wanted out that he didn’t love me anymore that we both need to go our separate ways,, this time I didn’t want to leave the house (his parents house) as I thought he would change his mind with time again. I thought he was just angry and everything will be fine after a few days. It turns out it wasn’t going to get better, I came home after work to find out that he moved out of the house (his parents house) he took all his belongings and left me there and my son with his parents. I can’t never forgive him for that I felt so humiliated by him, and it was so embarrassing. I couldn’t believe it I couldn’t understand why he was doing that. I called him very upset, I was shocked, he answer the call and he talked to me, he said that reason he left was because being in the same house as me, was very tempting to him, I am still very physically attracted to him and that is why he left. He said he didn’t want to play with me or my feelings and he felt the that was the right thing to do. Then next day I started looking for my own place, and I found one within two days. I moved out two weeks ago.
On this past Saturday it was our son’s birthday and we spent the day together at a play ground for our son to have some fun. When I went home he started texting me, very sexual content on the texts, I was playing along at first, I kind of like it, he said he wants me, he needs me and that wanted to be with me. I told him we cannot do that anymore, that we are separated and we need to respect each other, and that I will never be just his booty calls, not never after being his wife for so long I was not going to get that low of just being the person who satisfy him sexually.
I also sent him a very detailed text message yesterday telling him the same things. That we have to have boundaries and we both need to respect that. Today he called me at work and asked me if I was sure about the text message I sent him, and I said YES. He kind of sounded like he wants to tell me something but he doesn’t. I do not know what to do; I know I don’t want to be with him just for sex. I really want to be with him forever. But he did a lot of things that hurt me, and I wish he apologized for that. He has not done that. Is it really over? Or does he just need time again. I know and I can still feel he has strong feeling for me. I need help some advice.
Broken Heart. Lisa

Comments for Is it really over?

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Oct 26, 2013
Is it really over?
by: Doreen UK

Dear Broken Heart Lisa, This man is playing with your feelings through physical satisfaction. You also need emotional and mental satisfaction and you are not getting this. It sounds as if your man is IMMATURE. You must know you have a very unstable relationship. The only way to move forward is for you both to go into couple counselling and see what is really going on. If He is not prepared to do this then you may have to walk away. I applaud you for realising your boundaries and sticking to this. You also need to have a relationship that does not strip you of your self respect which you have maintained up to now but may be compromised by the nature of the relationship. If this man really loves you he would be showing this in more stable ways. Not walking out every time you have an argument. You are an articulate intelligent woman and I am sure you know the answer to your own question. "Is it really over?" If you keep having a relationship like this which is unstable it will cause you depression later on in life. You are also losing respect for one another every time you cannot sort out your differences. Every relationship has problems and couples work them out. If you can't work this one out then it leaves very little hope for any reconciliation. What does his parents think? What do your parents think? I think you are a very brave and responsible person. A lot is being done to hurt you. But remember that every relationship has to have more than just sex.
Children will be damaged by such a relationship that manifests itself this way with constant arguing and never being able to maintain a stable loving relationship. You know deep down what you want and how you want your life to be. If things don't change then you may have to move on and build a life for yourself independent of this man. It will be very painful to walk away, but better in the long term before things get worse. If you break away then refuse all texting and receiving of messages. Have a clean break and start NURTURING yourself back to good emotional health. You will find yourself Heal faster by caring for your own needs at this time. Treat yourself special all the time and build up your self esteem. Everything won't look so bad each day you try to care for your own needs till you can get your life back on track.
I wish you better days ahead and hope everything gets sorted out.

Oct 24, 2013
Yes it's over --Move on
by: Anonymous

Dear Lisa, bottom line you're just a booty call to him. Resepct yourself and stop allowing this. Put your child ahead of all else. He is your responsibility to care for , nurture and protect. Stop allowing him to see that his mother disrespects herself . Teach him that he should treat women respectfully as he matures.
Do not allow yourself to be used. You appear very immature by your writings that you like the sexual crap he sends you. You're in real life here not a game.

Yes it's over --Move on and mature.

Oct 22, 2013
Respect is vital here
by: Anonymous

Lisa, all I can say is don't let your heart rule your head. You have yourself and your son to think about and if you x-partner can;t decide what he wants then its up to you to be the better person and move on for both your sakes.

Being apart might make him realise how much you do mean to him but you have to sure that he is not using you for sexual reasons, this is not fair to you or your son and he needs to respect you, not use you. Give him plenty of space and don't give into those texts its to soon.

Self respect is vital here, you need to be sure in your own mind when its the right time to go back or not, if you are asking the question what should you do? then it certainly isn't the right time.

Don't let yourself down, keep strong and do the right thing for yourself. Don't give into to false representations and come ons your better than that.

Eventually you will come out of this situation OK if you stick to your guns and be strong, he will see that he can't mess with you and want you back for the right reasons and if he doesn't then I don't think he is the nice person you think he is or the one for you.

Oct 22, 2013
by: Anonymous

You need to grow up and think of your son and quit playing games like the silent treatment. Your poor son is the one who is getting the worst from two very confused, people. Put your son's needs and desires before your own and see where it takes you.

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