Is it viable, or am I being totally stupid!?

by RL

Hi all,

My girlfriend & I got together 3 years ago, when we were both 25. After a pretty good start, I fell in love in a way I wasn't sure possible! I have loved other girls before, but not sure I've ever properly fell in love!

I've always known I wanted kids and a family, but never found 'the one' to share it with. Now I had :) She was such a lovely, kind, caring woman who I simply adored! She adored me too :)

Our relationship was as perfect as it gets for 18 months or so before it started to decline. I don't recall a particular trigger, but I began to feel unappreciated and pushed away. She also became less caring and kind. Our once enjoyable sex life declined into a lazy, infrequent, passive act.

Since then, I have instigated four or five separate 'conversations' about the relationship. Each time I receive a commitment to the relationship and each time there is no change.

A few weeks ago, after another of these conversations, and obviously hurting, she made repeated attempts to goad me into an argument by saying and doing some hurtful things. When I tried to leave to avoid the escalating confrontation, she 'attacked' me - but with what I'm certain wasn't maximum force - it was moderate if that. (She lay on the bed at one point and kicked me in the thigh. Her body position was such that she could have easily broken my leg, but she didn't even kick hard enough to leave a bruise). I therefore don't consider that she 'assaulted' me.

I think she was trying to make me hit her back to make it easier for her to leave. I didn't. However, when she stood, I became cornered against the door, so I did push her away so I could open the door and leave. Devastatingly, she then accused me of hitting her and said "I always knew you'd end up hitting me".

To be clear. I've never, ever used violence against a woman. Not even raised my hand. Nor have I ever made threats, inferences or suggestions of violence either. Never. Ever! I was totally devastated. She also sent messages to my mother telling her that I'd "tried to hit her" and that it "Wasn't self-defense".

I have since learnt that my mother confided in her, telling her that my father had struck my mother on a number of occasions and that he was controlling and manipulative.(Of which I had no prior knowledge) I believe my girlfriend tried to make me do the same, because she knows I don't want to be like my father, and that the suggestion would hurt me tremendously.

Last week, my wonderful girlfriend became my ex-girlfriend and returned to live with her parents. But she continues to tell me that she loves me and wants to be part of my life.

I long for the life we once shared and would do anything to get it back but am terrified that if I let her back into my life she will repeat the accusations next time we have an argument. What if we did have kids? What would the consequences of a false accusation be for me!?

I note with interest, that all of my ex-partners are nice girls, all of who'm I still talk to and think well of me. According to her, all of her ex-partners are drug addicts, horrible people etc. I wonder if there is a victim type complex going on? :-\

I am an intelligent, successful, fit and attractive guy and am fortunate enough not to struggle with the ladies. But desperately long for the relationship we once shared, and wonder, through counselling if we could get it back, or is it a lost cause, and should I walk away now to save us both any more heartache.

Comments for Is it viable, or am I being totally stupid!?

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Apr 25, 2013
It is not Who is Right! or Who is wrong! But about doing the right thing.
by: Doreen U.K.

RL I am glad you are going into counselling. I don't want you to be confused. Some elements of Judith's post may be correct? But I am not wrong as she says on ALL I have said. Let me break it down so Judith understand's to avoid any confusion.
It was wrong of your mother to brief your girlfriend on how your father was and how he treated her. This would have influenced her in some way, and she could have used this information against you. e.g If you argued in the future, she could easily say. "You are just like your Dad, your mother told me so." Which is why a mother should have more Wisdom here. But as Judith responds with there is a lot more going on here. I have seen this happen on many an occasion. Disrespect happens in a relationship as a result. There should be BOUNDARIES here. I have the knowledge and experience.
Judith may be correct on her advice?? by going more in depth but I wouldn't qualify myself in acting like a therapist to you. Which is why I suggested you going to see one. My post is based on knowledge and other's experience.
I am correct on saying there shouldn't be an unhealthy sharing of information within a family. This is where RESPECT could be lost. It is just this simple. I just wanted to clear up any confusion. It is not about who is right! and who is wrong! But doing the right thing!. You sound like an articulate man so I am sure you will Get It. (Understand). Hope it goes well in counselling and that you get your life back. Best wishes.

Apr 24, 2013
Thank you
by: RL

Hi all,
Thank you very much for your feedback, I really appreciate it.

We are visiting the counselling people tomorrow together, and will see how we get on. I change my mind hourly on whether I think it's viable or not; probably realism and denial fighting it out between them!

Thank you.

Apr 22, 2013
Not Stupid, Just Careful
by: Judith in California

Dear RL, with respect to Doreen she is all wrong on this. You obviously have a gal who was used to being mistreated and abused by men of which that she allowed. Now that she found a nice guy she can't get out of the old lifestlye of abuse and she was indeed trying to find any excuse with you looking to say "you're just like all the rest". She has issues she won't resolve from her past with absolute loosers. She has Very low self esteem. She is also addicted to the drama involved in those abusive relationships. You don't provide her that since you're a nice guy. She is the one needing counseling and it will take years of it to clear her head and get back to having self esteem and to feel she deserves to be treatd nice by a man.
If you want to put in the work with her and feel she is worth it even if she doesn't then that is up to you. You just have to hope she is not so damaged it will take more time than you're willing to give. But The woman you choose to be the mother of your children should be stable in very way and love you back the way you deserve.

Take care of your heart.

Apr 22, 2013
What do you want?
by: Anonymous

What really is the problem? Are you looking for advice, or do you want to hear justification for your life style. Three problems I see right of the bat, you have ex-girlfriends that you still keep in contact with, you've been living with a girl for a few years and didn't marry her, you have a high profile of yourself. Do you look in the mirror at yourself a lot? See I know quit a few people like that and all I see around those kind of relationships are one sided, self centered person or persons, is misery. Never manning up to being the problem. It always the other persons problem. I've been there and done that. My advice is, if you plan on having a relationship. Your goal is to get married and think of the other persons well being more than your own. You are too honor God with all and everything you do. Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and all will be added unto you. God bless you my friend and best wishes.

Apr 22, 2013
Is it viable, or am I being totally stupid!?
by: Doreen U.K.

RL don't walk away till you have seen a counsellor. You could go on your own and then if your relationship gets back on track you could go with your girlfriend.
You will learn in counselling about BOUNDARIES. A mistake is for there to be an UNHEALTHY SHARING of personal details in a relationship that violates any individual in that relationship. Once respect has been lost it is harder to get this back.
You may not get your relationship back the way you want it by going to see a counsellor. What you will get is honesty and openness and you will realise if this girl is really the right person for you. Better to learn now and not when life becomes more serious and then perhaps a break up. It is a mistake for mother's to share information about her partner to anyone else. Your girlfriend will start to wonder if you may be the same type of person as your father. Respect will be compromised. She may be testing the waters to see if you will hit her. That would be her que to leave you. Think carefully with your head and not your heart. You will then make the right decision.
I went into counselling in my 40's whilst I had a husband and 3 grown children. It was the best decision I made. I resolved my losses from my broken past and I got my life back for the first time I was living. Life was different like I had never known. I started to relate to others in a way that brought healing to them. I was POSITIVE. I was married for 44yrs. and just lost my husband to cancer 11 months ago. A huge loss. I was committed to my husband. A good relationship has to have a level of commitment from each other. If only one person is committed to the relationship you will struggle. Best wishes and I hope it works out for you.

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