Is My Partner still hurting ????

by Pam

Hi to all...this is a very different story and I hope some one can help us both. My Partner lost his love of 32yrs and I believe he is still hurting. It has only been 21mths since her death and we have been together for 3mths. Whenever we are together at his place (that was shared with his love) he gets angry very easily and this hurts me deeply as I don't do anything to deserve his anger.

I do understand that he would have to be hurting in some way and I don't know what to do to help him. He insists that he is over her, but I do not agree. He is very happy with me and when we are anywhere else he is just a lovely person, full of love and life. I love him dearly and just want to know what I can do to help him through this problem.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Many thanks to all who can help me.


Comments for Is My Partner still hurting ????

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Dec 31, 2010
I am going through the same thing
by: Anonymous


I am seeing someone who is 4 years out of losing his wife to cancer, however because the battle was 18 years and she seemed to be surviving it as the diagnosis was only 6 months initially, he got used to thinking she would survive it.

I am his first relationship and I keep it together, I love him to bits he's half ready and half not....His 3 girls are teenagers and very good about wanting him to be happy, they all live with him and all in the same house he built with her and was with for 35 years.

Her trinkets and books are still on the other side of his bed......some of her things are still in the other wardrobe in his room, he doesn't want to forget her and feels guilty. I have only stayed there twice in 7 months when his girls were away.....he loves the place and farm so wont be selling....

I have got to a point where I can't handle hearing everyone else is more of a priority than me because of his situation; his girls come first they have no one else, he's held onto the farm and mortgaged to the hilt an extra bit of land as that was his wife's dream....he's still at the stage of saying he has feelings for me, they are just not as intense as mine yet. He doesn't do the what if's, which after 7 months of dating and intense as it has been is pretty normal.

I have let him go on holiday with his girls as I was meant to go but after having xmas with them i could feel it's still all about him and his girls and even when i ask for some tlc he doesn't hear me. He too is very angry and strops a lot if I dare say to him his behaviour isn't good enough....

I bend over backwards to give him unconditional love and excuse the behaviour....its killing me inside though, as I do too deserve to be loved. I have never loved someone so much who I can feel loves me yet he can't allow himself to let go enough, says hes too scared. I try to understand however how long does one wait or can they wait to feel love in return through this situation?

I feel for you as it's very similar to where I am at....

Nov 30, 2010
Yes, He's still Hurting
by: Judith

Yes, HE is definitely still hurting and denying, it doesn't help. He's not being fair to you or himself. Just let him be to do what he can as he can even if his heart is not in it. It's hard to compete with a dead person. I know that will be true of any man who tries to get to know me, because I'm still in love with my husband who passed 2 months ago.

If you can go to your place instead of his it would be better for a while. Two of my sisters married men and live in the house their husbands shared with their previous wives and they hate it when my sisters try to change or decorate it in the way they would like. It's a tough place to be.

Just be understanding and and give him his space. But dear heart, do tell him to not show anger towards you for something you didn't do. Always let him know you are to be treated with respect no matter of the situation. I hope you are not just filling the gap for now.
Good Luck.

Nov 30, 2010
Is My Partner still hurting Continued
by: Pam

Thanks for all your support, you are helping me greatly to understand how to cope with all this.

My Partner doesn't want to stop dating me he say's he is very happy and he wants to sell his house next year and be able to move on with me...however he still finds it all very hard to fix up the house...he has started doing some things to the house and garden but you can see that his heart is still not in should I handle all of this?????

Many thanks to all who answer.


Nov 29, 2010
A mans mind...

Men tend to want to solve things. I suppose this includes grief. It would seem at first that they are the weaker sex as grief hits and they cannot function nor survive. So as we struggle to put the pieces back together (women) it is beyond comprehension to even date. While men Might tend to go on with their lives even if they aren't totally healed.

The memories flood his mind where they lived and that cannot be erased. Encourage him to visit this site or find some help for closure and or acceptance. Let him know that you really care for him but that he needs to address his past in order to face the future.
Best of luck...

Nov 28, 2010
Yes I believe he is.
by: Barbara

I believe that your partner is still hurting. Everybody handles grief in their own way. I think it's hard for him to share the place he lived with her with somebody else. Subconsciously he can't see somebody else in her place so he gets angry. It's not your fault so don't take it personally. I suggest meeting getting together at other places until he can get through this.

Nov 28, 2010
is my partner still hurting
by: Jules

Of course he is, there is no time limit on grief, and even though he thinks he has moved on, when he comes back to the place he lived with her, he feels disloyal to her by bringing you there. This is not your fault, maybe he needs to be told about this site or even see a grief counsellor or a relationship counsellor, to try and understand what he is going through.

In my opinion, men try and move on too quickly, and I don't like the term "move on", I feel it is more that I am carrying on with my life, a different life than I had, I have made a new life for myself, because I am a different person now, I can never be the person I was when I had John, and maybe this is what your partner needs to learn about himself - hard to say, and probably hard for him to hear, but does he maybe need to not go to the place where he was with her, sell it, rent it out? Make a new life with you, that is not being disloyal to her memory, just being true to himself and you.

Anyway, that is my slant on your situation, for what it's worth. Keep posting on this site, you will find a lot of help here.

Take care

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