Is There a Cave

by Zoe

The girls in the cubicles outside of my office love to decorate for holidays. So I looked up yesterday and there were red hearts everywhere, including one on the corner of the cubicle outside of my office. The last big holiday they did was Christmas, and the day of the parties, I cried for three hours, hysterically, just being around it all. So what am I supposed to do about the month of LOVE?.. It is EVERYWHERE, TV, radio, billboards, you cannot move without the constant reminder that it is that time of year.

Last year at this time, John was in the hospital, I was caught in the worst snowstorm of the century and we were looking at furniture together online. John was so special; I never went a day without flowers on my desk from him. Moreover, he was crushed he was in the hospital and could not send me Roses on valentines. So he sent me two dozen the day after with a note of apology,... he was in the hospital and he APOLOGIZED for being late with my valentine roses.

So what am I supposed to do this year? Well for the office, I made them move all the decorations so I could not see them from my desk. That does not take care of the rest of the universe that is selling flowers, candy, condoms, and jewelry all for that special someone.

I have a special someone; he is the kindest, gentlest most loving man. He makes me smile just thinking about him. We love passionately, oh and we fight passionately too, but always there was the undercurrent of our love. I remember just before we got so sick we had a major disagreement, and the whole time, we held hands while we went back and forth. Always, everything is done with the absolute love between us. Every time I see an ad, or hear something, I want to scream. I do not want to hear this; I do not want to be reminded that the man I love is dead. I want him here, I want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be all right. He promised we would always be, he promised he would be with me and we would take care of each other, he promised and John never lied to me in his life. He promised?..

So I am looking for a cave to hide in, so that I do not have this slammed in my face every day at every turn. I thought some of you might want to come join me?..

You are my heart,
I cannot do this without you, I do not want to.
One-step, one breath one day at a time

Comments for Is There a Cave

Click here to add your own comments

Feb 05, 2011
Where's the cave
by: M Mack


Your cave idea is the greatest and I want to go there too. You had a wonderful relationship, the kind many dream of. I'm sure you were good to him, it goes both ways.

Everyday for couples that loved one another passionately was Valentines Day....even the bad days. All the tv commercials, little red hearts and decorations are not so cute to us anymore. I guess that goes with the territory for the survivors. So yes, I need the cave and I pray to God we find some relief from this ride of grief. Take care and know the widows of the world are all with you and know how you feel.

Feb 03, 2011
is there a cave
by: Donna

Zoe, please reserve a spot for me as I am so there. I am so glad that I quit Walmart when I did because there is NO WAY that I could have worked through this holiday. Every other holiday has been REALLY tough but Valentines day oh god valentines day, I have to retreat to my (our) cave, I just can't do this. But I have to, one step one breath one day at a time. My thoughts and prayers are with us all. I love you sooooooo much baby, happy valentines day(sobbing)

Feb 03, 2011
Yes I do!!
by: Cindy

I would love to join you in that cave and not see all these things going on without the love of my life. Rusty has been gone two months and seems like eternity. On February 7th we would have been married 35 years and my birthday is the 15th and Rusty's birthday would have been the 19th. He would have been 64. He was 10 years older than me and I don't know how to live this life without him, so yes, I would love to join you in that cave and forget about this life! It is so painful and this journey is so dark. He was my everything and really don't care if I go on. Thank you Zoe... I know I am not alone on this lonely journey! I pray we have comfort...

Feb 02, 2011
No Cave
by: Judith

Zoe, you have been a source of inspiration to a lot of us on this site and very encouraging.
The folks in your office are being insensitive to your loss tho they don't think one second about it.

I feel the workplace should not be a place where they do that. It's a very private day between two people and it's not to be showy and such,

I too feel the same sadness and wish I didn't have to do this alone. I want him back too and my heart is broken beyond belief. We too had disagreements but always loved each other.

After my husbands passing I found two years worth of cards he had bought for me from Valentines day, our Anniversary and for Christmas. I pulled the ones out for Valentines Day a few nights ago and signed them for him and put them out for me as intended. I also had bought a years worth for him Valentines Day, His birthday and our anniversary. I signed them as I do and addressed them to Chuck In Heaven. I will put them out on those day as if he could get them.

Zoe we will always be half here.

Take care.

Feb 02, 2011
V.D ;( the holiday of lonliness


I know that it is the time to be bombarded with Love and Romance. If we were single/or alone (I guess we are) it would be unpleasant Not being with someone. But having had such wonderful times with our Loves it is incredibly painful while those around us plan a romantic evening.

Paul had to work most Valentine Days/Nights so we always had to have it the night before or day after. That doesn't mean that I will not recall some of the romantic and thoughtful gestures he always did to make me feel Loved throughout the year. I hope that you make it through yet another holiday without your sweetheart. I know it is hard but you have come a long way. The grief ride is not over by any means but we are getting stronger with each passing day. It is hard to tell but just the fact that we don't cry daily as in early grief shows we are trying out this new life. Not happy about it but trying to carve out one all the same. Hope you are doing o.k and when your not you know where to go. We are great listeners...

Feb 02, 2011
a space in your cave
by: Anonymous

I will take a space in your cave. Roger never lied to me. He told me we would grow old together. Now he is gone. I am having a hard time finding a reason to get out of bed.

Feb 02, 2011
Is There a Cave
by: Anonymous

Zoe, my wife was also in the hospital during last years snow storm. I walked to the hospital when they even told plows to stay off the roads. I arrived at the hospital and all the doctor could say was let her go (As I like to say "kill her"). I could not do that because I was trying to honor (5th Commandment) my mother-in-law's wishes. Although, she could not tell me her wishes because she was still in shock. She already lost one adult child and did not want to lose another. Finally, one month later we made a family decision to let my best friend go be with her Savior. God Bless!

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Spouse/ True Love.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!