Is there a finish line?

by Hope
(Tappahannock VA)

My grief is I assume at the later stages. I do not really know what acceptance is. I suppose it is the ability to move on without the one person you thought made you who you are. Your other half the one that you talked to at the end of the day and woke up with ready to face whatever came our way. But the Our and the We is now me.

Acceptance- To accept what is and start over or move on as it is. I am not there by any means, today for example the winds blow warm, the trees are a fiery color just brilliant and beautiful. I acknowledge that fact I see it enjoy the view before me. Yet it brings on a really deep melancholy that I have not felt before. I do not cry yet feel something deep within that does not want to let go of Paul, what we had and should still have. I am not scared to be alone as some women are. In fact I am not scared at all.

This feeling deep within my soul is something indescribable that I have never experienced before. Not ready for another man at all. Not as angry seeing couples old, young in Love. Just wondering why can't I have that? Its an ache that differs from the rest. It's knowing what I knew all along and just not happy with the outcome.

Also, My 12 year old is fiercely protective of me. Cannot stand for me to talk to a man. Declares You Love Dad! Waiting for the bus yesterday with another parent (married with kids if it matters) Boo got off the bus and told the man stay away from my mom.

I know that it is "normal" as is this last bout of melancholy missing My Love sighing not crying. Does not make it any easier though...
HH

Comments for Is there a finish line?

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Oct 30, 2010
The finish line
by: Judy

Hope,

You and I are at about the same place in our unwelcome journey. I don't know if there is a finish line but maybe more of a drift fence that moves around according to the circumstances. Sometimes I am good, happy, looking forward to whatever is coming and becoming, dare I say, somewhat content. Before I can really move comfortably into that place something will happen that throws me backwards. But somethings just are, and I can't wish or will them away.

Barry is gone, the only man who ever really loved for who I am is gone. Our future is gone. My life I expected to live is gone. Now it's up to me to live this life, however unwelcome. The grief support group says that this period is waiting time, waiting for God to act in your life in His time. If that's the case, I don't know what I'm waiting for but I am waiting because there is nothing else to do. It's not that I can't make decisions on my own, I can and have made several well thought out, independent decisions in finances and life choices. But I can't decide to change Barry's loss because it just is always there.

So is there a finish line? I don't think so but we can feel better, be strong, make good choices, deal with crises, take care of our homes, raise kids, deal with car issues, make it through holidays all by ourselves. There are no finish lines to these things- we just keep on living. Sometimes the fence is straight and sometimes it's drifting. We just keep moving along.

I wish you lived next door so we could talk over coffee. But know you have a friend out here.

J

Oct 29, 2010
Forever
by: Zoe

I am no where near the end of this horror show that I now live. So perhaps I am not in the best position to comment, but I read this and it occurred to me that maybe not everybody finishes the same.

There are people on here who have gone to other relationships, who seem to have healed, or accepted. For them that is what works, that is fine.

I do not see myself ever accepting this, making a life without John. Maybe some of us do not accept, we may cope in some ways, but not accept. I think that it also starts to internalize after a while. You know that people don't want to hear it or see it, so you pull it in, you hold the memories close that is, after all what we have. I still cry every day. Every day I tell John I can't do this without him. But I do go to work, I pay my bills, I walk the dog, so I guess on some level I do cope, but I do not accept.

Maybe that is ok. Maybe for some of us coping is what we get.

one breath, one step, one day at a time.

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