Is this even Real

by Cathy Windleton
(Oxford, CT)

My boyfriend and I were each other's first loves..together for 6 years. We broke up 6 months ago and I am still feeling the worst pain imaginable. Everyday I have hallucinations that I see him, talk to him or rehearse a certain conversation or moment with him that we used to share. The worse part is that it happened in the middle of nursing school. I continued on with school even though I felt like quitting so many times. Everyone makes fun of me and tells me it will get better in time but it hasn't. He was such a caring, respectful person and the qualities he has are non-existent in anyone else and I know this because I've been on tons of dates in these past 6 months. Since 6 months ago, we have had no contact whatsoever, Im almost forgetting what he looks like or what it was like to be with him..the day we broke up he blocked me on facebook and put a calling restriction on me so i wouldn't call. Since then he hasnt contacted me at all and i dont even know if he even cares anymore because 6 months have passed and he leaves no indication that he misses me at all. what i dont understand is how could someone who claimed to love me ignore me for 6 entire months. Im beginning to wonder if i was ever loved by him at all. We broke up a couple times before ( Always him breaking up with me , and always him coming back to me a week later ) ... but never a real reason for the breakup. Even this time, our breakup is still incomplete and I still have no closure. He decided our lives were going in separate directions and I listened to everyone else telling me that i cant just date one person my whole life so we both should experience other people before we settled down. so that is exactly what I did. I thought it was a selfless act on my part because I knew I didnt want to date any other men but at the same time I wanted him to experience other girls, but eventually come back to me. Unfortunately, I Feel like he is gone forever and there has not been a single day that has gone by where I don't think about him. I honestly don't think I will ever forget him.. I have such a big heart and the capability of me loving someone is absolutely endless. Im graduating in a couple weeks and the only thing I ask for is to have him at my graduation, but at the same time I cant cope with the fact that I will never see him again. I Feel like im choking whenever I remind myself that he's gone forever.

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