Is this normal?

by Therese
( Dublin)

I feel very guilty since my mum died five months ago.Guilty over the things I didn't do, not getting the chance to say goodbye, not being with her the days prior to her death.i was on a family holiday with my husband and kids and she died a few days after I came home. Her health had declined in the previous five months and although doctors said that she would not recover they didn't put a time frame on it. Maybe I was in denial about how ill she was but I didn't think she was going to die suddenly.Now I feel so bad over what happened and I feel like a bad daughter.We had a normal mother and daughter relationship we spoke daily on the phone and were close even though I lived a 2 hour drive from her.We had normal disagreements but always made up and neither of us held grudges.I have two brothers who lived nearer her either one of them called in to her daily.The hospital recommended she go in to a Nursing home last April but she didn't want to go so we didn't force her. Now I am questioning that decision.She had carers who came in to her three times a day.
Now I feel that I let her down by not getting full time care for her. This guilt is eating me up.i miss her so much. everyone tells,e to move one with my life. I have a career and three kids a husband and lots of friends but my mum dominates my thoughts.
Has anyone else experienced this crippling grief? How did they get over it? Therese

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Feb 19, 2014
by: Anonymous

It's very normal to feel guilt about what you could and should have done. I lost my mom on 27th Dec and since then all of the family have thought long and hard about what they should and could have done. At the end of the day we could all do more and it is times like this that you have these type of thoughts. So sorry for your loss. Regards John

Jan 23, 2014
by: Anonymous

Thanks to all who posted. I appreciate your comments and it does help to know that others understand. Thanks again. Therese

Jan 22, 2014
is it normal
by: Anonymous

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother I think everybody who lost some one close the magic words what if I can't say I know how you feel everybody's different in your own time it does get better but you will still have that small hole in your heart

Jan 22, 2014
your mom
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry that you lost your dear mother. Unfortunately, feelings of guilt and of "what ifs" are part of the grief experience. We all wonder what we could have done differently to come to a different ending. We do what we think is right. That's all we can do. Try to let go of the burden of guilt because carrying it too long is self destructive and will eat you up. Not having the chance to say goodbye is one of many feelings that adds to the despair of a sudden death. I lost my 26 yr old son a year ago suddenly. I was in shock for a while and that protects you from the complete anguish of the event. It enables you to function and write thank yous, visit with people, attend the service but eventually you are left to deal with the raw reality that someone you love has died and you will never see them again. My son was an officer in the Marines training to be a fighter pilot. His death was almost unbearable and I had all those feelings of "what ifs" and "if only" and felt guilt just like you. Now, after a year, I still hurt terribly but I made an effort to let go of guilt. I write letters to him. I said goodbye to him and wrote him all things I did not get a chance to say to him. You do not have a crystal ball so you had no way of knowing she'd die so quickly. You have kids and a husband who need you so you were taking care of them. How could you possibly have known how and what to do? I sleep with my son's shirt and visit his grave. Also, I saw a grief counselor for a few months and I attend a grief support group which is helpful because friends simply do not understand our grief and can even say insensitive and stupid things. You can find groups thru hospitals and churches. You called your mom every day so I know she felt your love and concern. Be gentle with yourself. Grief takes a lot of work and energy. You will have good days and then bad days so the journey is rough so surround yourself with people who understand and who support you. I wish you peace.

Jan 22, 2014
Is this normal?
by: Doreen UK

Therese I am sorry for your loss of your mother. YES! Guilt is part of normal grief. It seems to happen automatically with the cycle of loss. The stronger the bond and relationship and the worse the guilt will feel. It should pass with time. If it doesn't then you may benefit from seeing a grief counsellor who is skilled in this area and you would recover better. Grief recovery is so hard and the Healing is so slow. We all live with regrets. Even the loved one's we lost had regrets. It is part of life. There are no perfect people. WE are all fractured more so after losing a close loved one. It does get better with time. Just don't fight grief or any emotions that come up. WE have to go THROUGH them in order to find Healing. I just don't know what can be worse than DEATH. The sorrow is often unbearable. You will get your life back. I did feel as if I would be this way forever grieving. But we do get breaks in between the low times.

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