It Comes out from No where when you lease Expect it

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)


I got blindside, it came out from no where...
Of all things I was watching a show ~ Terra Nova and the young son had that first kiss. His hesitation, wondering what to do, the excitement and feels overflowing at the unknown.
I sat there and tears filled my eyes. It brought me back to a evening long ago at 2:30am in the morning, Billy and I's first date sitting in the car in front of my place talking both waiting for each other to move. The slowest, gentleness and desire these 2 people on the show felt put me back to that moment and time.
Bittersweet memories, missing him again and wishing for something I can't have anymore.
Sometimes is just hurts so much. 1 simple loving act...
I haven't had the can't breathe, the pounding in my ears and my heart breaking into a million pieces once more in awhile. So I sat there, crying and waiting for it would stop. Of course it finally does, me waiting for the exhaustion of pain and memories washing over me to ease.
Other step falter but I will get up and continue in this world.
Always,
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year

Comments for It Comes out from No where when you lease Expect it

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Oct 14, 2011
Memories that sting, still...
by:

Patricia and Pat J.,

I am doing things now that I never would have done before. Nothing daring or stunning just concerts, museums etc. I guess the kids were younger or we were busy with projects or work.

In any case I make the time to do things now. I know how important Now is. That now can not be done over or gone back to. Yes there were many regrets in initial grief of things said or done, Not said or done.

Grief had helped me to grow from within. I am new person because of grief and I fought it at first. I really did I did not want this new life this "New Normal"

I still miss My Love especially now with the holidays around the corner, But I survived the first year and for that I am so damn proud and I know he is too. As I hit the 2nd Thanksgiving, the 3rd Christmas and the 3rd Wedding Anniversary (Jan 1, 2000)
I will fare much better. I just want you to know through many many backward slides it does get better, never totally healed but enough to go forward and not dread the day.

Oh yeah I just moved his ashes to put up a mini blind and thought I would puke but the blinds are up and I am o.k

Hoping the best for you and everyone on this site...
HH

Oct 13, 2011
My Heart Breaking Too
by: Pat J

Patricia,
I lost my husband 3 months ago and I ache inside when I see couples holding hands or sharing a gentle kiss. It hurts so much knowing I will never share that experience with him again. I don't watch romantic movies right now; can't, it hurts too much and I used to enjoy them so much My husband liked westerns and fast action movies. He always teased me about watching romantic movies. I'd sometimes watch his kind with him, but give me romance anytime-now they break my heart.
My life sure has changed a lot since his death. I really don't like this life, but one of my daughters said to me,"Mom your whole life for the past 46 years was spent with Dad, now you have the opportunity to live your own life". That statement is so true. We did everything together, but they always were things he enjoyed also. Now I have only me-I can now do anything I want to do. It is hard doing that after so many years.
I live in Green Bay, Wisconsin. I went to my first Milwaukee Brewer game with my daughter-in-law on Sunday; would not have done that before. I went to my first Green Bay Symphony performance on Saturday night with my daughter and grandaughter and I took a Fox River cruise on the Foxy Lady on Wednesday. If my husband was living I know those experiences may not have happened; I enjoyed them, but was thinking so many times,"if only he was here to share them with me"; but the truth is, he wouldn't have done these things. I do have a different life and hopefully in time I can once again enjoy life again.
I am taking it one day at a time.
I too am grateful for this site.
God Bless everyone!

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