It Doesn't Feel Real...
I am trying out this whole site in hopes that I can get the support I have been searching for. This whole ordeal has been a nightmare that I cannot wake up from. I feel so helpless and don't know how to go on anymore. Anyways, here's my background story.
My grandma has been a major part of my life since day one. She took care of me when I was a kid because my mom and dad both worked. When I got older, she moved down the street from us and I would spend time with her constantly. Soon she was welcomed into our home with us to live and she stayed there until the end. I never had a day without her and she was very present in my life. I became engaged over two years ago and my grandma was thrilled. She had been very sick with congestive heart failure for years and her help would be up and down. About a year ago, she was in the hospital and the doctors said she wouldn't make it. We prepared with her and I was upset that she would miss my wedding that she had said time and time again that he was living for and after that, she could be ok to pass. Well, she surprised everyone and lived and was in better health then before. Fast forward to July of this year. Yes a few short months ago. She was starting to get sick with pneumonia. She was taken to the hospital on the last week of July. My wedding was scheduled for out of town for August 9. At first, we thought that she was getting better and she would get out but with each day, we were kind of hoping that she would last long enough to see my wedding video. I did have the chance to take her with me to purchase my dress which gives me a lot of comfort because she always said she could close her eyes and see me in it. The next few days would prove to be incredibly difficult. My Mom and I would stay overnight at the hoists to make sure she slept well at night. My grandma began to see people or spirits but she didn't say much about them at first. She still thought she was getting better until the doctor came and told her she would only have a few days to live. It seemed as though as soon as that happened, she lost the will to live. She stopped eating and drinking and slept more. My grandma and I have always had the connection that we couldn't explain. I saved her twice in her life when she called for me when she had had two heart attacks. She always said I saved her life so many times. One night at the hospital her mood suddenly changed and she became angry and upset and refused her medication. My mom tried to keep her comfortable and at ease. She refused everything and was begging for us to take her home. We thought it was best to let her sleep alone that night because she was upset when we were sitting there. I had a sick feeling when we left and I didn't want to go. We went home and I told my family that I am not getting undressed because my grandma was going to die that night. Sure enough not ten minutes later we got the call to come up because she wasn't doing well. I raced out of my house to the hospital but before I could go in the room, the nurse told me she passed. My grandmother died three days before my wedding. It's been just a month since then but I relive this every night. I cry all night and don't sleep. Below are the things that I want to hear other people's thoughts on. I need some comfort because I feel like I don't want to live in this world without her and I'm worried that this sadness will not go away.
1. I feel guilt as I always was there for my grandma and I couldn't be there for her last moments on earth. I wanted to be there in the end comforting her and knowing that she wasn't alone. How do I move on from this feeling that I let her down?
2. Did anyone else experience their loved one seeing spirits before their death?
3. Because we had such a strong bond, I felt as though when she passed I would feel her around and that would comfort me. I don't feel her and I feel totally alone now. I don't know how I can deal with living the rest of my life not knowing if I will see her again.
4. Did anyone else's loved one get agitated before they died and refused medications? Why do you think this happened? I'm upset the doctors told her she was dying because I felt like she gave up when she could have lived long enough to see my wedding video.
Thanks everyone. I really look forward to reading your responses.