It Doesn't Feel Real...

by Elyseyy
(Canada)

I am trying out this whole site in hopes that I can get the support I have been searching for. This whole ordeal has been a nightmare that I cannot wake up from. I feel so helpless and don't know how to go on anymore. Anyways, here's my background story.

My grandma has been a major part of my life since day one. She took care of me when I was a kid because my mom and dad both worked. When I got older, she moved down the street from us and I would spend time with her constantly. Soon she was welcomed into our home with us to live and she stayed there until the end. I never had a day without her and she was very present in my life. I became engaged over two years ago and my grandma was thrilled. She had been very sick with congestive heart failure for years and her help would be up and down. About a year ago, she was in the hospital and the doctors said she wouldn't make it. We prepared with her and I was upset that she would miss my wedding that she had said time and time again that he was living for and after that, she could be ok to pass. Well, she surprised everyone and lived and was in better health then before. Fast forward to July of this year. Yes a few short months ago. She was starting to get sick with pneumonia. She was taken to the hospital on the last week of July. My wedding was scheduled for out of town for August 9. At first, we thought that she was getting better and she would get out but with each day, we were kind of hoping that she would last long enough to see my wedding video. I did have the chance to take her with me to purchase my dress which gives me a lot of comfort because she always said she could close her eyes and see me in it. The next few days would prove to be incredibly difficult. My Mom and I would stay overnight at the hoists to make sure she slept well at night. My grandma began to see people or spirits but she didn't say much about them at first. She still thought she was getting better until the doctor came and told her she would only have a few days to live. It seemed as though as soon as that happened, she lost the will to live. She stopped eating and drinking and slept more. My grandma and I have always had the connection that we couldn't explain. I saved her twice in her life when she called for me when she had had two heart attacks. She always said I saved her life so many times. One night at the hospital her mood suddenly changed and she became angry and upset and refused her medication. My mom tried to keep her comfortable and at ease. She refused everything and was begging for us to take her home. We thought it was best to let her sleep alone that night because she was upset when we were sitting there. I had a sick feeling when we left and I didn't want to go. We went home and I told my family that I am not getting undressed because my grandma was going to die that night. Sure enough not ten minutes later we got the call to come up because she wasn't doing well. I raced out of my house to the hospital but before I could go in the room, the nurse told me she passed. My grandmother died three days before my wedding. It's been just a month since then but I relive this every night. I cry all night and don't sleep. Below are the things that I want to hear other people's thoughts on. I need some comfort because I feel like I don't want to live in this world without her and I'm worried that this sadness will not go away.

1. I feel guilt as I always was there for my grandma and I couldn't be there for her last moments on earth. I wanted to be there in the end comforting her and knowing that she wasn't alone. How do I move on from this feeling that I let her down?

2. Did anyone else experience their loved one seeing spirits before their death?

3. Because we had such a strong bond, I felt as though when she passed I would feel her around and that would comfort me. I don't feel her and I feel totally alone now. I don't know how I can deal with living the rest of my life not knowing if I will see her again.

4. Did anyone else's loved one get agitated before they died and refused medications? Why do you think this happened? I'm upset the doctors told her she was dying because I felt like she gave up when she could have lived long enough to see my wedding video.

Thanks everyone. I really look forward to reading your responses.

Comments for It Doesn't Feel Real...

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Sep 15, 2014
Thank you
by: Elyseyy

Thanks for all the comments so far. It really helps me and can help comfort me in ways. It's good to know other people feel the way I do as well.

Sep 15, 2014
It Doesn't Feel Real...
by: Christina

First off i want to say that I am sorry for your Loss. Also, I wanted to comment on a few items.
I lost my Mother a year and a half ago and I was with her up until 3am, at 3am i decided to leave and sleep for a bit so i can come back the next day, unfortunately my Mother passed at 8am and i never made it back to the hospital. The guilt for leaving was unbearable at first but now i have come to terms with the fact that perhaps my Mother would not want me to see her taking her last breath, perhaps it would be too difficult to witness.

A few days before my mothers passing she also saw beings that were not tthere or at least unable to be seen by the normal human eye, she would see children in the room and she would always smile and wave at them but they were not of this world. She was sharp as a tack up until the very end, thats why i know that what she saw was actually there, only i couldnt see it.
I believe Angels or deceased loved ones come a few days before a persons death to assist with the transition. I also know my Mother knew she would be passing, doctors told her time and time again that she would not be dying any time soon and that she still had life in her, but she knew otherwise. She knew she was going and said her goodbyes to the Family.
Perhaps your Grandmother also knew and thats why she stopped wanting to take her medication and wanted to go home, it sounds like she was ready for her transition.

Sep 15, 2014
i know how you feel
by: Anonymous

I lost my grandmother and my mother within weeks of each other the pain i felt was just awful i will never forget it even now four years on i have bad days they say the spirit needs time to settle in and then you will feel your grandmother around you i have felt the presence of my mum and grandmother its a great feeling to know their there it does get better with time but life is never the same hope you feel better soon xxxx

Sep 15, 2014
It Doesn't Feel Real
by: Jag

Dear Elyseyy, I am sorry for your loss of your Grandmother. After my husband passed I felt his spirit leave and I went through a Period of disbelief and to this day could not tell you too much of those first weeks of tring to cope.
!. There was nothing you could have done to prevent your grandmother from dying. God decides when it's time. She ived as long as she was intended to. It is a shame that your plans of a wedding to where she would share in it did not work out. There are a lot of folks who have lost loved ones before a big event. You see , our plans aren't necessarily in God's plans.
2. Yes, it's normal for the dying to see spriits or talk about thier dead loved ones before they go. My husband did that before he passed and a few other folks have told me that that is what they experienced with their loved ones passing too.
3. Yes, it is normal for them to become agitated and not take their meds. My husband did that as well.
4. You will, in time, feel her presence around you but it wont be as you see on TV. Your grief will lessen and you will always miss her . Once you have a family of your own you will find you will think fondly of your grandmother and how supportive she was to you and you will want that for your own children.
We learn to accpet loss as part of life. as tome goes on. It doesn't lessen the heartbreak of when it happens tho.

Take one day at a time to deal with your loss. God Bless.

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