It doesn't hurt less with time, just less often
I've lost the person I loved the most in all the world, second only to my husband. My dad died just before Christmas in 2010 and his birthday is approaching this month.
I fell apart at first, and had to take a month off work as I couldn't function and got physically ill from being run down. Then I thought I had got back to normal, I've been working fine, been able to smile and enjoy life - albeit with the odd bad day when all I wanted to do was curl up somewhere quiet and far away from everything and everyone. I had felt like I was thinking abut it less often and being affected by it less frequently.
But now his birthday is approaching and we're preparing to scatter his ashes on the day. And to be honest, ever since Father's Day in June I have felt like my world is closing in on me again. It's like I'm going through grief all over again.
He died suddenly, but putting the shock to one side, I tell myself to just be thankful to have had such a wonderful father, and that he was in good spirits on his final day, that I was there and that the last words he ever heard from me were "I love you". And I am so grateful that it came about like that, but knowing all that is not enough to stop me feeling like someone is punching me in the stomach every day again. And it's hard to talk to anyone about it because I don't want to be a moany person, and I don't think people will understand how I seem to be going backwards after I appeared to be getting on with my life so well. Is it normal to feel like this after 8 months?
Work is really busy but I just can't handle the stress like I used to, but I feel like I can't say anything to my boss as it'll make me look weak and I don't want to have a shadow affecting my career.
I don't feel like there was anything left unsaid between me and him, and I've very few regrets about our times together, and I feel like he probably did go at the right time for him, so there's nothing holding me back except the big hole that's in my life and the overwhelming grief that's come back again. I just don't know what to do to get myself better.
Dad, so much of who I am and the values I have I owe to you. You set a standard of kindness and generosity that is unsurpassable. I could always count on your advice. You always made me smile, even when you were being stubborn, you had a twinkle in your eye. You were one of a kind and I just miss you being around. I love you so much.