It gets harder not easier!
I lost my mum on 10 October. She had been ill for some time but the call from my sister to come still caught me by surprise. I flew to Scotland arriving at midnight. I went straight to the hospital near Aberdeen. Mum recognised me and we were able to talk. After 2 hours I realised that it was only the worry for other people that was keeping her there. All her life she cared more about others than herself.
I stroked her head, held her hand and said 'its alright'. She opened her eyes and looked at me as if to say 'is it really alright?' I repeated several times 'its alright'. Each time she relaxed a little more. At 3.30am she looked up to the ceiling as if she could see something. Her look was of gentle surprise, as if it was not what she expected but yet still it was OK. At 3.40am she left.
It was good she had someone there. I think it helped her. For me it was the most painful thing in my life.
She was my guide and inspiration from the day I was born. As each day goes by all the little things I would normally have called her to talk about mount up. More and more I think 'must phone mum, havnt talked for a while'. But she isnt there.
I feel guilty that I didnt see her more. We lived a long distance apart. Yes I should have called her more as well. Too late now.
I dont have a strong faith and I dont know if there is anything to come after death. It breaks my heart to think I will never see or hear from her again.
Love you mum x