It has been 17 years

It has been 17 years since I lost my sister. I still have not gone through the grief process and don't really know if I ever will. My sister was a diabetic and was not expected to live through her teens. Though everyone else in the family knew this they neglected to tell me until years after her death. There was a 9 year age difference.

As much as people tell me that there was nothing I could do to stop it I still feel the guilt because I was selfish and didn't try. When she was diagnosed with kidney failure and needed a new kidney I had just recently been married. Saving her was not on my mind, selfishly all I thought about was having children and never tried to see if I was a match. I was told that I wasn't which I don't know how anyone could know; I was never tested.

My daughter was born in June 1991 and still my brain didn't kick in and say do something. She had a 12 year old daughter when she passed.

To make this short she passed November 3, 1992 and I will never forgive myself for not trying to help her. I have suffered from great depression and anxiety to the point of panic attacks. I take more medication in a day than anyone I know. Still none of it has helped me. At this point I just want to die because of the pain but can't leave my children to deal with something like that.

I just want this to be over.