It has been 17 years

It has been 17 years since I lost my sister. I still have not gone through the grief process and don't really know if I ever will. My sister was a diabetic and was not expected to live through her teens. Though everyone else in the family knew this they neglected to tell me until years after her death. There was a 9 year age difference.

As much as people tell me that there was nothing I could do to stop it I still feel the guilt because I was selfish and didn't try. When she was diagnosed with kidney failure and needed a new kidney I had just recently been married. Saving her was not on my mind, selfishly all I thought about was having children and never tried to see if I was a match. I was told that I wasn't which I don't know how anyone could know; I was never tested.

My daughter was born in June 1991 and still my brain didn't kick in and say do something. She had a 12 year old daughter when she passed.

To make this short she passed November 3, 1992 and I will never forgive myself for not trying to help her. I have suffered from great depression and anxiety to the point of panic attacks. I take more medication in a day than anyone I know. Still none of it has helped me. At this point I just want to die because of the pain but can't leave my children to deal with something like that.

I just want this to be over.

Comments for It has been 17 years

Click here to add your own comments

Apr 09, 2011
it has been 5 years
by: Anonymous

I too have been there. My brother died of an overdose of drugs and was a diabetic. He was never there for me, and i wanted that so bad. When he passed away all i wanted to do was scream, scream at the fact that my parents were protecting me, scream at the fact that i couldn't help him, and scream at the fact that i couldn't protect my little brothers. I was nervous all the time, frustrated at my parents, pissed off at the world for letting go of my brother. Angry at my parents for "thinking" they did nothing, when they did everything. and lastly betrayal at me for letting my brother down and not taking a stand and getting him help.

I now know i couldn't have done anything, i also now know that my family did everything they could have done. I will miss him greatly, but will forever keep him in my heart. I hope this helps.

Apr 01, 2010
I understand
by: Sandy

It has only been a year for me but I can so relate to your guilt. The truth is, it was not your fault but because I have said that probably will not help you. I blame myself for my husband's death and I had nothing to do with it.

Logically, I know that but I carry that guilt every single day. Friends and family have talked and talked to me and still I feel guilty. This grief thing is like a monster to me. I never dreamed it would be this bad. The pain is overwhelming and I wish there was some way to ease the pain.

I too had panic attacks and severe depression. I finally stopped taking the medicine. It didn't help. I hope you will find a way to let go of the guilt because it really was not your fault. I am hoping I find the same but I hope it helps to know, lots of us out here feel guilty as well. Take care!

Mar 31, 2010
Grief Bottled Up
by: Down Under

My condolences on the loss of your sister. I think you should try speaking to someone, maybe a psychologist. It sounds to me that you have not allowed yourself to go through the grief process, you have tried bottling it up, maybe to protect yourself ??

Maybe you did not want to show how you really felt about your sister, maybe you are angry or upset over family members lying to you. Whatever the case is, you need to get it out and not feel so bolted down. Writing on this site is a great step and hopefully you will receive some sound advice from others, even just browse through other stories, they may help you through this tough time. I wish you all the best.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Sibling.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!