It has been a year and my heart still breaks like the first day.

My mum died last year and the loss is still very difficult.Every second of every day I think of her and wish for one more minute with her, she died in hospital and I never got to say goodbye. I regret that I didn't get to spend more time with her in the weeks before she died as we knew she was in the end stages of heart failure.For some reason I wasn't expecting her to die suddenly and had no inkling that she was going to die that day as she appeared improved the previous night when myself and my sister in law visited her.She often complained of feeling lonely and I regret that I didn't do more like organise people to visit etc when I was at work. I know that she had carers coming in to look after her and family every weekend but I feel we as a family let her down by not being there 24/7.
I am especially sad today as I remember the happy days we spent together, our trips in the car, shopping and coffee.When does it get easier? I am crying as I write this, I feel I will never get back to normal again. Ava.

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Jul 24, 2014
it has been a year
by: Anonymous

Thanks to all who answered my post.It is good to know that I am not alone in this and that others feel the same.I appreciate you all taking the time to answer me.Ava

Jul 23, 2014
It has been a year and my heart still breaks like the first day
by: Jane

Dear Ava, my Mom died 14 months ago, and I still miss her so much, and I am crying every day. Don´t make your self feeling guilty, because you couldn´t seen your Mom as much as you wanted. Well, that is easy to say from me, I am feeling guilty to sometimes, even I spent all the time in the hospital. I am feeling guilty, because we have had times I was worse to my Mom or angry. I feel so sorry for that and what I have said. My Mom used to say "Jane that is normal by human life. And she took me in her arms and everything was good. Now I start crying too. Well I am like you, when I am thinking of the happy time we had spend together, I always start crying too. Well Ava, I don´t know, when it will get better, I have accepted the grieving to my self. It belongs now to me like hunger and thirsty, happy and sad, there is now this grieving. It is a new part of me.I have to live with it.I feel the same, that I will never get back to normal, I am a different person now. I am feeling the changing in my self already. On one side the grieving is making me stronger and there is the other side there I am feeling so tired, sad, lonesome, powerless, helpless like a Baby, homesick for my Mom. I am still talking with my mom and telling her everything, which is on my heart. While I am doing it, I am crying, but afterwords I am feeling better for a while, til the next grieving wave comes. My friends helping me a lot by the grieving. My family left me almost one year alone with it and were going her own ways of grieving. I had missed them so much, so much that I wanted to die too for a long time. But this Weekend they will come. That makes me feel better. Ava, but the pain of the grieving, I have to live.Well I live, but I am feeling my self not alive. My mom would be so happy if I would´t grief so much and I know she will see me laughing again. Ava, we will never get same like we were, but we going to be different Person. I´ll pray for you and I am sending you a big hug from Germany. May god bless you.

Jul 22, 2014
It has been a year and my heart still breaks like the first day.
by: Doreen UK

Ava this is the nature of grief that we cry off and on in stages and this can go on for months to years for many of us. It just takes a memory, or some event that our loved one missed that can trigger off grief again. It took me 9yrs. to recover from losing my mother 11yrs. ago. I lost my husband of 44yrs. to cancer 2yrs. ago and I could not function for 6 whole months. I took time to nurture myself back into life and it does help taking time out and honouring how you feel. If you have a job and have to go to work it is more difficult. Loneliness is something that touches each of us at some point in life. Everyone is living such busy lives they don't have time to keep up with their loved one's. I don't get to see my two grandchildren as much as I like. Only 2hours a week, or a fortnight when they are able to come to visit. When they do have time and less busy I will probably not be here and they will be saying the same thing "I wished I had spent more time with Mum." Sometimes even a phone call every now and then does help to keep in touch if one can't visit. It is amazing how much even a simple short phone call can make to someone's day when living alone. You will recover from your grief in time. Don't feel there is something wrong with you. We all grieve in different ways and lengths of time. But remembering that grief does not last forever helps us cope better.

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