It hurts. It breaks.

by Mandy

I fell in love with a married man. Fell hard. It was all good for the first 2 years but during the 3rd year things changed because of resentment. You know, as the other woman, when you get older you start to want more and you realize that this person cannot give you all you want. You realize that you made a mistake by being in a relationship you knew you couldn’t get much from. I know people are going to judge and say you made your bed, sleep in it. True. But it isn’t as easy as you think if you are in love. Sure, you can avoid the relationship and the drama by not falling into temptation. But the heart always wants what the heart wants. I got involved with him and we had 2 glorious years.
During the 3rd year, the fighting started and the resentment built up. We decided to give each other space. He gave me some freedom to look for other relationships so that I don’t feel lonely when he’s not around. We grew apart slowly. My anger and resentment pushed him away. He fell out of love with me, but I never stopped loving him.
I recently found out that while we were fighting, he fell for another woman. That broke my heart in to pieces. This feeling of loss is unbearable. He was my best friend. My mentor, my lover. He was everything. I made him the centre of my universe and he left me. I feel so helpless. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop loving him. He has moved on with his life and I’m still hung up on him. Days go by and he doesn’t even call to say hi. He used to call me every day, even when we were fighting and growing apart; he made contact because he cared. Right now it feels like he doesn’t care about me anymore and that’s where it hurts the most. Losing someone who cared so much for you. For years, he was the only person who cared about me. I feel so lost and alone
I’m so lonely. I have no one. He meant everything to me. I don’t know how long this feeling will last. But it’s too much for me to handle. I just want it to go away. And it’s even worse to know that all the feelings he had for me are now being enjoyed by someone else. I keep blaming myself for pushing him away and at the same time I tell myself that it’s ok because he’s married. I have a hard time meeting new people and dating. I can’t look at other men without comparing them to him.

Comments for It hurts. It breaks.

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Apr 20, 2012
I hear you.
by: Anonymous

I hear your pain. I too am there, the emptiness is unbearable at times and I scream for relief. My journal is getting a workout with all my chaotic thoughts. It helps for a bit but then I am overcome w/ grief again. Right now I am in the bargaining stage, believing if I can somehow make him aware of his wrong decision, have him open up his eyes, then we will be rejoined. This is fantasy and will never happen. I am torturing myself with his false sense of hope. And I have been here before, this is a pattern for me, I know that. It is impossible for me to control other's thought, actions, anything. I know that. So why do I continuely try? Why is acceptance so difficult for me when I know it is the answer to the peacefullness my mind and body crave? I am also aware that this pain is bigger than the recent man leaving, it is the inner child screaming for her father not to abandon her at that young age. That grief still haunts me. And only I can look at this, if I choose to. There is so much fear there, so much pain. It is comforting to know I am not alone.
Take care. Thank you.

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