It is a deep pain ...

I met the most wonderful man 6 years ago. He was just a spectacular guy. He devoted himself to me and cherished me for the person I was. I met him a month after he suffered a heart attack. Which he had always said to have changed his life for the better. He became a different man and learned to appreciate the people around him more... he also learned to love and be loved. We were married a year later after we met and spent all of our time on each other. The first three years were very difficult as I had to change my lifestyle to accommodate his physical disability. We were not your regular couple as we couldn't do things a regular couple did. He often slept a lot and wanted to stay home for the most part. But he tried so hard to be the husband he thought I wanted. But, overall our relationship was truly a fairytale love. I truly felt loved by a wonderful person. We often talked about starting a family and would make plans for the future. this past April 2011 he went into the hospital to have his defibrillator battery replaced, as it was approaching the 6 year mark. It was suppose to be a 30min operation and not considered high risk. Needless to say that before his operation he suffered cardiac arrest which they were able to revive him. 15 mins later he suffered another. I was waiting in the waiting area when I heard the alarms go off and I though to myself "I pray for the person that is going through that horrible experience along with their family" 2mins later I was pulled by the his doctor and was told what happened. I didn't know how to react or what to say. I was in shock. I felt alone and with a sense of fear. A fear I knew deep down inside what was coming. Like a voice in my head letting me know that the his end was approaching. I sat down and two wonderful women huddled around me to comfort me. I then told to contact my family or friends because this was a serious issue and the doctors told me that they didn't know how long he had or how he was going to react. I desperately called my brother and my family to come be with me. I called his sister in CA and his family. When my brother arrived at the hospital I felt a huge sense of relief followed what can only be explained as the worst moment of my life... the alarm sounded again. I was so scared and frightened ... I didn't know what to say and I could only look into my brother's eyes and cry. That feeling is still with me and as I am writing this I can't help but cry and relive that exact moment. He was in the hospital for 6 days. His family and I were able to be by his side when he woke up on the 2 day. I held his hand, I fed him, I told him how much I love him, I was with him and We were all there when it was his time to go. I have a huge pain in my heart that is unexplainable. I feel as if my partner in life was taken from me. I am happy that he is resting now and that he will no longer live with the concern of his heart. But It is so hard to let him go. It has been 85 days since this happened and I can't seem to stop crying. I don't think I will ever stop crying. I miss him so much. I am thankful I was able to say "I love you" to him so many times but I would give anything to say it to him one more time. This is truly the most difficult experience of my life and I wonder where will my life go from here. I can't seem to think on a "I" base I seem to always think of "us". I share this story with you all because I think one thing we all have in common is that we were all blessed to have felt "LOVE" and we should all be thankful that for a moment in life we loved and we were loved by very special people. Thank you for your time in reading this as posting my story has helped me heal a little. Thank you.

Comments for It is a deep pain ...

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Jul 31, 2011
We are always here to listen
by: Anonymous

Our stories vary How we lost the Love of our lives but we do share the same or similar emotions while going through the long treacherous ride of grief. You will hear people say that they lost half of who they were, that they just do not know how they are supposed to go on without the person that made them/us who we are/were. We share this in common and that is the reason that we can talk here and end up closer than with family. Only those who have walked in our shoes can truly understand the day by day survival of grief. Please come here often and read post under lost love/spouse. The one thing that helps is knowing that you are not alone we have all been where where you are now. We will always be here to listen.
HH

Jul 26, 2011
It is a deep pain...
by: jules

M.Mack says it all - I can only re-iterate her words - if you read through some of the older posts, and maybe join The Grief Club on this site, you will see that we all have been through this, are still going through it.

Take care
every day - one step, one breath
jules

Jul 25, 2011
I Feel Your Pain
by: Anonymous

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband of 37 years while we were waiting for a heart transplant. My story is similar. The last three years of our life revolved around his heart. We weren't able to do much either. A few little short weekend trips.....shopping in stores like WalMart that provided a motorized cart he could ride on. There were endless ER visits....Drs. appointments and hour drive from our home to the doctors in Chicago us....surgery...iv's...pills, pills and more pills. I miss those "miserable" days. I at least still had him here with me. I didn't know misery until he wasn't here any longer.
I am still crying daily after 8 months. Today I'm going to Chicago with my daughter and grandson. I haven't driven to Chicago since my husband died. I know I'll have a melt down at some point.
We cry and suffer so much because we loved so deeply. We miss them so much because they loved us so deeply. We doubt that we'll ever find that again in this lifetime.
I've learned to take it just one day at a time. That's all we can do. Hope for the best and hold on to our beautiful memories.
PJ

Jul 25, 2011
Deep Pain
by: M Mack

The pain you describe is all too familiar. It is shared by many that come to this site, looking for answers, relief and knowing you are not alone. Grieving the love of a lifetime is emotionally draining on the soul. It has been a year for me and I'm still having ups and downs. This has been the worst I have ever gone through, losing my soulmate. Know that this grief belongs to you and you must go through it slowly. Take your time, allow yourself as much rest as you can and take care of yourself. We are always here to listen so please come to this site as often as you need to. Read all the posts old and new. You will notice how many of us change in time as grief has many sides. Remember the motto, one breath, on step, one day at a time and you will get through this. You have my prayers and I am truly sorry for your loss.

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