It is complicated

by TRINA
(WALKER)

I was my mother's care taker for the past ten years. My mom did not want to leave her home and move in with me and my family, and I would not put her into a home. I am fortunate that I worked ten minutes away from her house so I could go over every day at lunch and could go over to her house when I was done work at 5:00. I am only child, who is married with a son who is 13. A little background----my parents divorced when I was four years old, he was never part of my life, in fact, he died and I didn't find out until he was dead for six years. My mom raised me alone. She sacriced an awful lot for me. We didn't have a lot, but she always made my Christmas' special. She insisted that I go and graduate from college. She always put me first.


My mom suffered from rheumatiod arthritis. It is a dibilitating disease that just destroys your joints and you become disabled.

I would go to her house every single day, sometimes two andd three times a day. Sometimes I resented thsat I couldn't live my life the way I wanted to or that my family couldn't go on a vacation---to put it simply I geuss I became selfish, thinking of my own needs before hers.

In late February I had to rush her to the hospital after she collapased in my arms, originally diagnosed with a minor heart attack and a broken pelvis (from collapsing in my arms). Five days latter, I am signing a DNR, and enrolled her in hospice because of organ failure. The next day she died in my arms.


The grief that I have comes and goes, right now it is worse because I am in the process of cleaning out her house, the place I have called home. I know I have to do these things, but damn, it hurst like hell.

she was the biggest and most positive influence in my life. Our relationship was complicated at times, but my love for her never stopped---it still hasn't

Comments for It is complicated

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Aug 27, 2012
It is complicated
by: Nasia

Dear Tina,

I would like to say that I am really sorry for your loss, I know the feeling in all its stages. Still hurts and still trying to process grief.

Regarding the house cleaning, done it. Its really painful and it took me 2 months to clean and sort everything out. Its difficult but you and I had to go through that part. If we can't go through the pains we have we will not manage to get out of it. I am not better that you but I am also trying.

Just love her and remember her, through time the pain will slowly go away, you will never forget but you will hurt less and less day-by-day. There will be worse times but you need to let your feelings out to refresh yourself.




Aug 27, 2012
It is complicated
by: Doreen U.K.

Trina you said you were your mom's caretaker for the past ten years. That is a long time. Are you aware that being a carer is a very tiring and demanding job? You then went over two or three times a day as well as holding down a job. You have done a good Job. APPLAUD YOURSELF THAT YOU DID AS MUCH AS YOU COULD. For one person alone doing this. Then you say you feel resentful that you couldn't have a vacation and you were being selfish putting your needs first. FREE YOURSELF OF THE GUILT IMMEDIATELY!!!. You are not being selfish wanting a vacation or thinking of yourself. We ALL HAVE OUR LIMITATIONS. Because of the cost, Social care is expensive otherwise you could have got a carer in for your mom so that you could have a break for a vacation. YOU NEEDED THIS. You are grieving so you feel guilty now your mom has died. Now you are cleaning out your mom's house. Don't do it all at once and so tire yourself out. Get support. Call on people to help you. Pace yourself by doing a little each day. My husband died 4 months ago and I am left with a mountain of work to do. I am taking my time. I am getting support where I can. I was carer for my husband for over 3yrs. when he was dying with cancer. So I know how tiring this job is. IT IS THE LOVE THAT WE HAD THAT GAVE US THE STRENGTH TO KEEP GOING. Even if your Mom made a lot of sacrifices for you. THIS IS WHAT MOM'S DO. She left you a good legacy that you will carry on in life. Which is why you were her carer for so long. You learnt this from your mom.
I also suffer from rheumatoid and osteo arthritis and know how debilitating this disease is. I hope that I never have to be dependant on my family for care, as this can cause stress when others have a job to do outside the home. Plus I like my own space. My only dependence is help with the shopping. It is a very painfull job clearing out your mom's house. I have this job to do with my husband's garage and all his tools from him being a carpenter. I also have to clear out his personal things which have been shut away in the spare room till I can handle this. It is one of the most painfull jobs to do is clearing out what was once a life with meaning, dreams, and expectations. I shall now process life differently. Taking LOSS into account. I will try to hold everything loosely, because I could lose it at any time. Go ahead and live your life and be happy in time. You deserve this. Your memories of your mom will always be with you. Bury your REGRETS. We all have them.

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