It is so difficult
Hello, I was surfing on the internet looking for pages where people tell their stories about Death of their dads to maybe understand my own feelings. Im glad I found this one.
My dad died two months ago with bladder cancer. He was first diagnosed 1.5 years ago. He had his bladder and some other organs removed in 2011. After this he had to live permanently with a small bag attached to his body, this was permanent but was the only way for him to survive. This was very difficult and sad for him and was depressed since the bag was attached to his body. I live abroad and just had contact with him over the phone although all my holidays I always spend them with my family, always returning home to be with my parents.
In January 2012 after returning from what would be our last holiday together in Miami, he had to go to hospital for a kidney infection. I never thought this could trigger a series of difficulties and in March he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. His whole body was taken. I flew immediatly and stayed with him in hospital, day and night. Would share the time with my eldest sister and we would take care of him. Sadly, it is difficult even now to understand the reason why my mum didnt want to stay in hospital at all arguing she was busy working. I know I cannot judge but it was very sad seeing my dad very upset and sad telling me that he didnt understand why mum didnt stay with him when he needed her most.
Although he has good care in hospital my sister and I used to shower him, help him to walk and "exercise" for as long as he was able to. We would change his nappies when he was not longer able to go to the loo himself. He knew he was dying but was always trying to pretend that all was fine so we in his mind we would not see he was dying, of course we knew that was happening.
He died in June after 6 months battling cancer and many other complications.
The day he died I felt he came saying good bye, I was devastated... It was so difficult to believe the person in that coffin was him, what physically remained of him.
Where his voice went? All our convesations? All his jokes? It is so much what we lose when someone leaves... He had many funny sayings, and feel sometimes sad I dont remember them all, where all that goes? I miss his voice on the phone, I miss his jokes, his music, his singing ...
After his funeral I blocked my feelngs towards his death and for a while didnt cry. However just after 1 month of his death I started losing my hear, my face got paralized and have lumps in my breasts... My body reacted to what my mind had blocked before. Yes, we all need to grieve... We are humans, we all feel pain after a loved one departs. Still have many questions unanswered and it is still dificult but looking at our pain with love and care is the answer. Im allowing myself to feel my grieve and might take a long time but it is also part of who I am.
Thank you for reading my story.