It just hurts so much

by Nixon

I lost my dear, loving and wonderful Mom recently. I'm 30 years old. I'm having such a hard time coping, putting one foot ahead of the other. I'm struggling to survive, yet I have to since Mom wanted life to go on. I try to honour that, it just seems so impossible as I have no strenght left to bear this.

It breaks my heart to see the pain in the rest of the family's eyes, it breaks my heart that I will never get to touch Mom, kiss her, hear her voice, it's just so hard to cope. It's summer - she should be on Holiday with my loving Dad, exploring and adventuring, gardening, barbecuing and gather us around the dinner table the way she loved. I have so much pain in my body, in my head, but most of all in my heart. I try to stay strong, I try to think of all the loving memories I'm blessed to have, I try to survive. I cry because of the loneliness, of the pain we all feel, of what she never got to experience and of what I never will get back.

"You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have".

Comments for It just hurts so much

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Jul 14, 2014
Anonymous
by: Nixon

Dear anonymous:
Yes, I find that I' m amazed how people who don't know each other can comfort, advice and listen. I feel humble of all the replies I've got.

Please share your story when you are ready, I will be reading and try to be there for you.

All the best, Nixon.

Jul 13, 2014
Wonderful
by: Anonymous

Such wonderful words. I am trying to get the nerve
To tell my story. It seems the people on this site
Really care for each other. Writing is healing
and I can see that as we share and help others
others we heal a part of ourselves.

As caregivers we help others and now it is time
to reach out and put the salve on ourselves.
Angels and blessings to you all. You are my pathfinders.

Jul 13, 2014
Doreen
by: Nixon

Doreen, I'm sorry to hear about your husband. I can not begin to explain how terrible cancer is. All of us who have seen with our own eyes what it does to people we love so much will most likely agree. And yes, to stand on the "sideline" with nothing more to offer than our support and love brings the sense of helpless to a new level. We want so badly, desperatly, to help, to take the pain away. Not only do I need counselling for grieve, I think I need it as well for seeing how it effects a person you love.

I think my Dad and my sister absolutely are grieving, I just see how different we all are, as the saying in we all grieve differently. I think they need things to happen, people to be around and so on. I'm at the point where I just want to be left alone, my thoughts are over - the - top, and everything just seems worthless, pointless, unimportant and senseless. However, today I was with friends the whole day, they have two beautiful kids and I had an ok time, even though I cried in the car all the way over there. So close to just jump out of the car and flee back, but glad I didn't and realize I had a couple of laughs, tears, playing with the kids and so on. My main thoughts are how important it was for Mom that we would go back to normal life, enjoy ourselves and not fall totally apart. Another thought that keeps coming is how many who is in the same position, who have been and who will be - if they can do it, so can we, with the love and support of each other, family and friends.

I know there are different stages, triggers, factors in the grieve process and I'm certain that where we are right now will change. Maybe in a week I will be depressed, maybe angry, maybe with more strenght and hope that it's gonna be alright, maybe further down the long stairway. I just take one hour at a time and try not to expect so much of myself at the moment.

I hope you have a nice evening Doreen, that you are happy and find the summer nights to be good to you. You have been of great help and a very much enjoy writing with you!

Jul 12, 2014
Doreen
by: Nixon

Doreen, I'm sorry to hear about your husband. I can not begin to explain how terrible cancer is. All of us who have seen with our own eyes what it does to people we love so much will most likely agree. And yes, to stand on the "sideline" with nothing more to offer than our support and love brings the sense of helpless to a new level. We want so badly, desperatly, to help, to take the pain away. Not only do I need counselling for grieve, I think I need it as well for seeing how it effects a person you love.

I think my Dad and my sister absolutely are grieving, I just see how different we all are, as the saying in we all grieve differently. I think they need things to happen, people to be around and so on. I'm at the point where I just want to be left alone, my thoughts are over - the - top, and everything just seems worthless, pointless, unimportant and senseless. However, today I was with friends the whole day, they have two beautiful kids and I had an ok time, even though I cried in the car all the way over there. So close to just jump out of the car and flee back, but glad I didn't and realize I had a couple of laughs, tears, playing with the kids and so on. My main thoughts are how important it was for Mom that we would go back to normal life, enjoy ourselves and not fall totally apart. Another thought that keeps coming is how many who is in the same position, who have been and who will be - if they can do it, so can we, with the love and support of each other, family and friends.

I know there are different stages, triggers, factors in the grieve process and I'm certain that where we are right now will change. Maybe in a week I will be depressed, maybe angry, maybe with more strenght and hope that it's gonna be alright, maybe further down the long stairway. I just take one hour at a time and try not to expect so much of myself at the moment.

I hope you have a nice evening Doreen, that you are happy and find the summer nights to be good to you. You have been of great help and a very much enjoy writing with you!

Jul 11, 2014
It just hurts so much
by: Doreen UK

Hi Nixon,
My husband was terminally ill with cancer for 3yrs.39days. I nursed him with the worst cancer and he died 2yrs. ago on May 5th 2012. It does get easier with time. But memories can come back and triggers are going off all the time, which start the grief again. It took me 9yrs. to recover from the loss of my mother in 2003. Healing is different for us all.
Don't compare yourself to your Dad and sister if they are moving forward and engaging in life. They may have their grief later on in stages. You may not. You may express more of your grief now. It depends on how we nurture ourselves.
I mention what I have been through to help other's but I don't feel grief over what I experienced in life as my trials strengthened me and healed me. I have grown wiser (I hope?) from my life's experiences. My husband suffered great cancer pain, and I am happy he is at peace now. It was unbearable to see him die slowly when he so desperately wanted to live. He missed his retirement. I do retirement alone now. So I am in the same place as your father. I have 3 Adult children and I say the same thing. Go live your lives and be Happy. I have only one daughter who lives at home and she works full time.
Your father will soon find his own way in life again, just like I am and people of our generation.
It is normal for you to worry about your Dad. My daughter still does. Don't worry too much about your need to lie in bed and play games as a diversion from grief. This will soon change in time. I did nothing for 6 months. I let TV. comfort me. I did get my life back after this time I gave myself. What you are doing is nurturing yourself however you do this. It is up to you. Honour how you feel and what you have to do each day to get through it. You will soon find life will change and get better in time. You will get your life back. Best wishes

Jul 10, 2014
Suzanne and Doreen
by: Nixon

Suzanne: I'm very sorry for your loss. I know how you feel, how unbelievable and impossible EVERYTHING seems. Do you have some good hours/days? Like Jane said, for me it helps to keep a "bank" of what is as fun as possible at the moment. During the hardest periods one will maybe be able to withdraw from the bank, knowing that better times will come in some way. But that is very easy for me to say, all I've been doing is lunch with some friends during these few weeks. When it comes to sleeping, it's like I don't want to go to bed, nor get up in the morning. I try to watch Netflix as I go to bed, to keep my mind occupied. We are just to young to loose our dear mothers at this age. We need them for so many, many years to come. I hope you somehow have a "good" day today and are blessed with people around you who cares for you.
Happy late Birthday Suzanne and please feel free to respond!

Doreen: I'm sorry for everything you have been through. You strike me as a very reflective and smart woman, a good person with the strenght to fight. Your advices are much appreciated. May I ask when you lost your husband? Do you feel that it somehow gets easier in time?
My dad and sister are better than me doing things with family and friends. Mostly I lay in bed, watch tv or play computergames (wow, that one is new). All to keep my mind occupied. But the thoughts of the lost future, everything I miss, the need to see, touch and speak to Mom again, just everything is so overwhelming that I think about it constantly. I just put them ahead of me and my needs, especially with Dad as seeing him so sad litterally tears me apart. He's lost the love of his life and now, so soon into retirement. Everything they've worked so hard for their whole life just vanishes. I'm lost for words. He has been very clear to both me and my sister that it is important that we all live our own lives. He knows I'm concerned about him, just not to what extent. I know he will manage, it's just so heartbreaking thinking of what he and we lost.

Jul 10, 2014
It just hurts so much
by: Doreen UK

Nixon, many years ago I was in a dark place of depression and didn't know how to help myself. Self help books only went so far. I then reached rock bottom and needed the support of a counsellor who worked with me and my complex grief and gave me back my life in ways that breathed new life into me for the first time. When one is facing depression they can't pick themselves up. It is hard to do. Grief feels the same. Which is why I could not function for 6 months after losing my husband. What I did was pure NOTHING. I let TV bathe my wounds and then my world started changing and I started taking one job a day and this increased to two. BUT. Some days I regressed and lost my motivation again. I accepted those moments and honoured how I felt. But what helped was NURTURING myself back into life. This was by doing at least one good thing for myself each day (with no guilt) and increased this till it has taken over my life. I learned doing this offered me a measure of healing, and healthy Self-Esteem. A good way of BUILDING YOURSELF UP. There will be some days you will feel down and can do nothing. DON'T WORRY. Each day is different. You will bounce in between good days and bad days. When I said think of your own grief. I mean don't focus on helping everyone else and neglecting yourself. Keep a Balance here. It is actually in supporting other's in grief that you will find a measure of healing just like on this site. ONE HAND WASHES ANOTHER. Be supportive to your Dad. He needs this. Encourage him to get grief support if you feel he is stuck in grief and not moving forward. But give him the SPACE also to process his own thoughts. Ask him what he needs and how you can help him. You will find out what your Dad needs from you in time and he will open up and let you know in his own time. Be consistent.
It is wise to find a grief support group. It will help you. You can also encourage your father to find a group so he can also be helped. Some of the older generation like your father and myself are set in our ways and often this can be an obstacle to moving from our comfort zone. But I am glad you went out with friends and realised just making that one change in your life could help you feel better. Focus on this and how it felt and build on this. When you are feeling down you can then draw strength from the changes you made in your life and how good it felt. Life will change in time from grief. You will grow stronger and you will mature each day from the challenges you face. God go with you and your father and Bless your days. Best wishes.

Jul 10, 2014
I feel the same as you guys
by: Suzanne

I really enjoyed reading your writing Nixon and everyone that responded. I lost my mom who was my best friend and everything to me 6 months ago. I just turned 31 two weeks ago and it was really tough without her as everyday is. I find it the hardest at night when I go to bed because I miss her so much it physically hurts. It's all I can think about and everything reminds me of her. I watch slideshow after slideshow. I am sorry for all of your losses and just wanted to share a few of my feelings, as I am having trouble tonight falling asleep once again and missing her.

Jul 09, 2014
Jane and Doreen
by: Anonymous

Jane: I am very sorry to hear that your girlfriend is ill. I hope you both have the strenght to endure that aweful disease. Cancer.. I hate it. HATE IT!!
I'm glad to hear that you have made some progress. Like Jane suggested earlier, I think a counselor could benefit in a positive way (not sure if you need it, only you do), but I think it could benefit the right way in the long, dreadful stairway up. I most certainly want to join a bereavement group - however since it's summer, everything has stopped up (including myself). I have the need to speak with other people who is experiencing what I'm going through. Even tough I have great family and friends, no one can really understand the tremendous shock, life - changing and impact of your life unless you have experienced it yourself.
Again, I'm glad to hear you're doing a little better. It's very nice to talk to you:) I liked what you wrote about the dinner making. You certainly loved her and cherish her memories!

Doreen: your advices are great. Today I actually went out to lunch with some friends. In the beginng all I could think about was that I wanted to go home and stay in the bed, how uinterested every subject was etc. But in a strange way I actually found myself having a good time after a while and made a thought of "hey, maybe this will go after all". But then I started look around and all I could see was couples. Especially one couple caught my eye - an "elderly" couple obviosuly on their vacation, wedding rings on, drikking coffee and eating cake. Then I fell right back down into the pit, as it reminds me of what my Dad doesn't have anymore. I know you told me to think of my own grieve, it's just so hard to do when I put Dad above all. Emotions after emotions. I've set a goal tomorrow to mow the lawn.. Knowing these days I know I might aim to high as I have no idea in which condition I wake up in.. Nor the hours for that matter..

Jul 09, 2014
It hurts so much
by: Doreen UK

Nixon don't focus on how to get back to normal life. It will happen automatically and suddenly as you grieve each time a memory comes back and causes you to cry. After each crying spell you will start to heal and feel better. It all depends on FOCUS. Firstly build yourself up. Do as many good things for yourself each day every day till it becomes a way of life. You will feel stronger and it will build up your self-esteem. Then let each painful moment that comes wash through you. Don't avoid the pain of grief. Face it in the eyes and you will conquer that very worst feeling of grief, rather like looking into the eye of the storm. It will get worse before it gets better. The important thing to know is that this awful stage of grief will also pass in time. You won't feel this bad all the time, it will come in waves and each day will be different. Don't lean into this pain otherwise it will get worse. Let it come, and let it pass. You will become stronger in time and be able to cope with life better.

Jul 08, 2014
Your grief will change
by: Jane

After 14 months my grief had changes. I can go Shopping now but I still feel no happyness in my heart, while I am doing it. But I don´t have to run back to my car so fast, I am looking around in the store and even can speak with the people, which asking me, how am I doing. Now I can tell them, that I still missing my mom a lot. Most of them understand it, some don´t. It doesn´t matter. One day they will remember me. My feelings are going up and down. Yesterday I was helping my sick girlfriend, and if you believe it or not, that was helping me too. I could´ve tell from my loving mom, while we were cooking together and something reminds me of her I could say: "Yes, my mom said always.... or my Mom did it this way......For my friends this is okay, she had know my Mom too. She says: "when I have do die, I hope my daughters will talk and remember me like you do it Jane with your Mom. I hope God want let her die. NIXON I think it is normal that little things can break you down, it just shows your big love to your Mom. Well NIXON on the beginning I didn´t left my rooms and wanted not to see the normal life. But now I do it for a few hours and than I go back home. I couln´t understand that the world turned further because for me it was stopped. It feels good not always to think and hear other kind of things an problems and helping others a little bit, even than I am at home start crying again. After 5 months I could watch TV. Sure I am still crying, than on the movie they show something with death, cancer and dying. But believe me Nixon, your grief is going to change. Give your self time. All the time your loving soul needs. It is still hard for me too, to go back to the normal life. I do it, because I have to. But I am still missing the sense of my life and the happyness inside my heart. The griefing waves are still comes and goes.I let them come, because I can nothing do about it. They belong to me now. Take care of your self Nixon I am thinking of you. Much love

Jul 08, 2014
Jane and Doreen
by: Nixon

Thank you both for your words. I actually feel as the pain is becoming worse and worse each day. The littlest things can break me down. It's more than I can handle. I've promised myself not be bitter as it will destroy even more, but it just feels so extremly unfair. I don't know how to get back to "normal" life.

Jane about the grocery shopping, I feel the same way. I try to avoid nearby shops so that I don't run into people I know. The "OH poooor you" look in their face is more than I can handle because then I realize even more how much it hurts.

Jul 08, 2014
It just hurts so much
by: Jane

Nixon: When my Mom has died at the first 5 months I only left the house to go Shopping so that I have something to eat. I got into the store, took the things I needed, and went back to my car as fast as I could. And than I start crying. I couldn´t watch TV or listen to the Radio. When I visit my girlfriend (she has cancer) on the way home I cried real loud in my car: "Mom, I miss you, please come back to me." I realiy shoutet this. After I felt for a while better. Until the next wave comes. I am still crying, but I live now in two worlds. In the "normal" world and in my "griefing world. I still cannot bring them both together.Thank you for asking. Yes my mom is exactly 14 months death. I will bring her some flowers and only thinking about it, makes me crying. While I am writing this, you are sleeping, because we have the timediffernce. I wish you a wonderful dream. Take care of you.

Jul 08, 2014
The grief is a new part of me
by: Doreen UK

Jane you say you have been suffering with grief for 14 months and it feels as if it is still raw. Have you thought about seeing a grief counsellor? Sometimes we are stuck in grief and can't move forward and the pain is as real as it had just happened. This is where a skilled/trained counsellor can assist to help you move beyond this point of RAW GRIEF PAIN. For me if I didn't have God holding me up I would fall to pieces. None of us knows what to expect from grief till it happens and there is no shame in needing support. I DID IT! many years ago and I have healed to the point that I can cope with each day better. In those early days I gave so much away that I could use now. I hated life and didn't want to live. I couldn't control these feelings. I didn't think I would ever get beyond this point. It hurt all the time for 6 months SOLID. What I did was to NURURE myself, almost as if you were pampering yourself each day till this became a way of life. I discovered this to be a good foundation to healing from grief. Building yourself up will help you. LOVING YOURSELF back into life will help you Heal each day a little till you can feel the change. Give it a try. It can't hurt. Your Mom put good things in you. Keep it up as if she was still doing it. Grief often feels as if we are lying in our own pool of tears and drowning. Only we can change this to getting up and putting new things in our day every day to make it better. This is a good start. Building on this will help lift you out of the pit of despair that grief leaves us holding each day every day. WE can't control our grief as it has to pass. But we can control how we will respond to make things better. I hope this helps you and Nixon and others on this site and it is a step forward to our recovery from our grief.

Jul 07, 2014
-
by: Nixon

Jane:
I hear you! I think about it CONSTANTLY.. If I get distracted for five seconds and it somehow "slips my mind", when turning back to reality it hurts even more. I think I've developed a mechanism because the pain when it hits me again and again it's just to much to bear. Breaks me down every time.
It's good to talk too you as well Jane. I hope you are doing ok today:)

Jul 07, 2014
The grief is a new part of me
by: Jane

Sometimes I think, I will never get through this grief it is going to be a part of me like laughing or hungry. I have to learn to live with the grief and accept it. Maybe the grief is going to change, and the grief is changing me, but since almost 14 month it belongs to me like the big hole in my heart. I have to learn to live with them step by step. It feels good writing with you. Thank you.

Jul 06, 2014
--
by: Nixon

Jane: Thank you,
Doreen: Thank you so much for your reply, your words somehow makes sense, even tough it's hard to believe right now.

Jul 06, 2014
It just hurts so much
by: Jane

Dear Nixon, I can feel with you. but what Doreen writes to you I can just underline it. Thank you Doreen for your words. They are helping me too.

Jul 05, 2014
It just hurs so much
by: Doreen UK

Nixon I am so sorry for your loss of your Mom. To lose a Mom is so hard because she brought you up to be the person you are today. She nurtured you and put the values in you that you have now. This is one of the hardest and most difficult grief's you will bear.
Don't try so hard and worry about your whole family by taking on their grief, as you can injure yourself doing this. I DID IT. We all have boundaries and you can care and support your family by listening and supporting them by looking out for their needs. BUT NOT TO CARRY THE BURDEN OF GRIEF FOR EVERYONE.
I lost my mom 11yrs. ago and it took me 9yrs. to recover from my grief. Grief is different for everyone. But don't try to heal too quickly because healing from grief is such a slow process. Don't try to think only of all the good things in your family. Bad things happen also and they need to be allowed to come and pass from your system. Many people do say "Think of all the good memories." Whilst this is not a wrong thing to do, it can be disastrous. We all have bad memories and what do we do when they come into our mind? We have to honour those memories also and let them pass as they will. DON'T REPRESS THEM. They will one day start pressing for resolution and cause you a lot of unnecessary pain and suffering.
You will feel that you will never get through this grief. IT HURTS. You can't bear this pain! We have all been where you are, and TAKING ONE DAY AT A TIME, We come through our grief in time. None of us knew what to expect from grief. But we learned on this site from the experience of others and how they coped. Some people end up needing to see a grief counsellor, and this is not something to be frowned upon. Grief can be complex for many people due to their relationship with the person who died. Some people can be stuck in grief and unable to move forward. This is where professional services are so beneficial and vital. We all do eventually recover from grief.

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