IT STILL HURTS SO MUCH

by Julia
(NJ)

It has been seven months now since I lost my husband, my soulmate, my everything. We had only each other and lived for each other. I thought I was getting better but I just had the worst breakdown I've had thus far. Sobbing so deeply ,, I felt my heart breaking and it lasted a long time. I am now totally exhausted and have no where to go but here.

We had a 45th Anniversary this past Memorial Day. He passed away in Nov. 2010. Memorial Day was horrible and seemed to never end. I talk with John all day and miss him so deeply in everything I do. When I couldn't stand it anymore, I got dressed and went out to a restaurant which is what we would have done together for our Anniversary. The first one was closed which led me to another restaurant. When I entered the room our favorite song was playing and I knew he was with me. I started to cry again when I suddenly saw a close cousin and her husband at a table in front of me. There is no doubt in my mind that John guided me to that particular restaurant so I would have company.

I wish these "happenings" would occur more often . Sometimes I try very hard to communicate but I cannot feel him around me. Then other times, it is astounding. Call me crazy if you want. One day I typed a letter on the computer. When I went over to the printer, what had come out was an 8 x 10 photo of John taken over a year ago!. There was absolutely nothing on my printer list but the letter I typed.. I don't know if any of you believe this is a communication, but I do. My longing for him is very intense and I believe that this was a response. It made me feel VERY happy and that he was watching over me.

Another day I was sitting on my balcony and staring at the chair he used to sit in where we would talk about our day, I was crying profusely and feeling very upset. Suddenly one single white dove swooped across in front of me and sat on my window sill. I see him flying around once and a while, I call him John.

I loved him so very much that I feel I am now him! Yet, I am trying to be the me I remember. It's an extremely heartbreaking, confusing and lonely time and I also feel alone in my struggle. Thank you dear friends for being here.

Comments for IT STILL HURTS SO MUCH

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Jun 28, 2011
LOVE AND PRAYERS
by: Anonymous

HI! YES I DO BELIEVE YOU CAUSE IM A CHRISTIAN AND MY HUSBAND PASSED AWAY 17 MONTHS AGO AND I STILL MISS AND LOVE HIM AND SHED TEARS I GO THROUGH CARDS HE BOUGHT ME THROUGH THE YEARS WE WERE MARRIED, 7 BLESSED YEARS. ANYWAY I SOMETIMES SMELL A FRESH CLEAN SCENT AROUND ME @ TIMES ITS GREAT TO KNOW OUR LOVE STILL IS WITH US IN SPIRIT IN MANY DIFFERENT WAYS WE DONT UNDERSTAND LIKE DREAMS ONLY IF THEY WERE REAL AGAIN THEY LET US KNOW. THATS THE SAME WITH FOLLOWING JESUS LIKE THE FOOTPRINTS IN THE SAND AS JESUS REMINDED ME A FEW WEEKS AGO AS I WAS GOING THROUGH A ROUGH TIME IN MY LIFE JESUS CARRIES US TROUGH THE TUNNEL WELL GOD BLESS YOU AND TAKE CARE. AH

Jun 28, 2011
it still hurts so much
by: jules

Julia - my John has been gone 19 months now, and I miss him every day, I too had a bad time at about the 7 month mark - ended up on antidepressants for a while, as I just could not stop crying - the pain was unbearable.

I am coping much better now, making a life for myself, meeting new people, doing new things, this has been important for me, as I don't think I would be in the place I am right now if I had tried to slip back into the life we had together, we were away from home when he died, and I have stayed in this area as my daughter is here.

I owe this site, and some of the wonderful people on it, heartfelt thanks for always being there, just when I need someone.

And, yes, I believe you are getting signs from John, relish them, the best ones are the unexpected - have good memories, and know that he would want you to be strong.

Every day - one step, one breath
take care
jules

Jun 28, 2011
It still hurts so much
by:

Julia,

Not only do I think your not crazy but I could share many stories of times that I felt My Love was with me. My memory fades as time heals my grief ever so slowly but there were times when odd (for lack of better word) things would happen.

Just days before his death we bought an exercise machine. It was so big we whacked the front doorbell trying to get the monstrosity into the living room. It is one of those sensor door bells where there is no wires. We broke it it would no longer ring. Yet in times of grief where I needed him most, it would ring.

Early in our courting we took a picture of us that I thought was unflattering. (I looked like his mother) I told him that when I found it I would tear it up. It had been hidden from me for years yet it showed up one day in the middle of the room as if I were supposed to not only see it but know that he was some how here helping me through the rough days of grief.

Of course there is the music. How many times has it seemed that a song was playing just for us to hear. Either our song or one that we needed to make it through the day?

If you read some of the past posts fellow grievers will speak of grief as a roller coaster ride that they want to get off. Many ups and downs of emotions. Just as you think you have a handle on things the flood gates open. And that is totally normal and acceptable. Wal mart has seen my public tears and I stopped apologizing for it. It is the most natural thing to do when we have lost half of who we are.

I know it hurts and I wish that I could take away your pain. It is the most awful thing that a person can ever experience. But in the end on a day that seems so very far away you will become a stronger person, a better person with courage that few can understand. You will live each day to the fullest understanding how precious each day is and how it can be taken away in the blink of an eye.

But until then just hold on and know that we are here for your rough days and we will never turn our backs on you. This is a wonderful group of people to turn to when the days seem unbearable.
We understand we get it because we have walked in your moccasins. Just take one step one breath at a time...
HH

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