IT STILL HURTS SO MUCH
It has been seven months now since I lost my husband, my soulmate, my everything. We had only each other and lived for each other. I thought I was getting better but I just had the worst breakdown I've had thus far. Sobbing so deeply ,, I felt my heart breaking and it lasted a long time. I am now totally exhausted and have no where to go but here.
We had a 45th Anniversary this past Memorial Day. He passed away in Nov. 2010. Memorial Day was horrible and seemed to never end. I talk with John all day and miss him so deeply in everything I do. When I couldn't stand it anymore, I got dressed and went out to a restaurant which is what we would have done together for our Anniversary. The first one was closed which led me to another restaurant. When I entered the room our favorite song was playing and I knew he was with me. I started to cry again when I suddenly saw a close cousin and her husband at a table in front of me. There is no doubt in my mind that John guided me to that particular restaurant so I would have company.
I wish these "happenings" would occur more often . Sometimes I try very hard to communicate but I cannot feel him around me. Then other times, it is astounding. Call me crazy if you want. One day I typed a letter on the computer. When I went over to the printer, what had come out was an 8 x 10 photo of John taken over a year ago!. There was absolutely nothing on my printer list but the letter I typed.. I don't know if any of you believe this is a communication, but I do. My longing for him is very intense and I believe that this was a response. It made me feel VERY happy and that he was watching over me.
Another day I was sitting on my balcony and staring at the chair he used to sit in where we would talk about our day, I was crying profusely and feeling very upset. Suddenly one single white dove swooped across in front of me and sat on my window sill. I see him flying around once and a while, I call him John.
I loved him so very much that I feel I am now him! Yet, I am trying to be the me I remember. It's an extremely heartbreaking, confusing and lonely time and I also feel alone in my struggle. Thank you dear friends for being here.