It was all going to be ok.
by Mo Shaf
March 15, 2011. My mom was in her mid 50s. I was 32. She suffered from cancer for 11 years. Started as internal bleeding in her colon and then breast cancer, and ended up as 3 brain tumors, tumors in her spine, and paralyzed. She was getting treatment everywhere we could take her. 3 different countries. 5 different hospitals. She had more hope then anyone I ever met. She was the strongest woman alive. All she cared about was helping others and never herself, and always contributed to organizations and helping the needy and the poor. She was the most amazing person I ever knew. Even doing all that, she suffered from cancer and the treatments, but she still smiled and told me it was all going to be ok. I remember how she used to stand outside, whenever it rained, look up at the sky, and ask god to make her better. Even then she smiled.
I tried so hard to have faith and believe that she will get better. But I don't think my faith is what it used to be anymore. The country was in chaos, she was denied treatment. Riots and strikes near her hospital, we couldn't get her in. She couldn't travel, because she was paralyzed, to take her to another hospital out of the country, in a week, it got worse. Had to be given morphine to stop the pain, but also left her unconcious and paralyzed. She couldn't speak, couldn't talk, and didn't move. Got home one day, heard she was taken to the hospital because she had another seizure. When I got there, she was gone.
Used to come home from work every day, go straight up to her room, just to be with her. When I went to work in the morning, before I went to sleep, all the time, just to sit with her. Never left the house, and never gave up on believing she'll get better. She slept there on her hospital bed, in her room, at home. And it still felt like she was around, even when we wanted to hear her voice so much. See her smile. But now, it's not home anymore.
I blame myself every day, should have done more, taken more loans, sold everything I had, anything. Even should have begged. But that won't change anything now. I try my best to take care of my father. Can't even imagine what he's going through. But I failed one, I'm afraid I'll fail the other. I have never felt so alone, my whole life. And now that I suffer from Crohn's and Colitis, and many other problems, I just can't get over losing her. Because she was the only one that made me believe that "it was all going to be ok".