It was all going to be ok.

by Mo Shaf

March 15, 2011. My mom was in her mid 50s. I was 32. She suffered from cancer for 11 years. Started as internal bleeding in her colon and then breast cancer, and ended up as 3 brain tumors, tumors in her spine, and paralyzed. She was getting treatment everywhere we could take her. 3 different countries. 5 different hospitals. She had more hope then anyone I ever met. She was the strongest woman alive. All she cared about was helping others and never herself, and always contributed to organizations and helping the needy and the poor. She was the most amazing person I ever knew. Even doing all that, she suffered from cancer and the treatments, but she still smiled and told me it was all going to be ok. I remember how she used to stand outside, whenever it rained, look up at the sky, and ask god to make her better. Even then she smiled.
I tried so hard to have faith and believe that she will get better. But I don't think my faith is what it used to be anymore. The country was in chaos, she was denied treatment. Riots and strikes near her hospital, we couldn't get her in. She couldn't travel, because she was paralyzed, to take her to another hospital out of the country, in a week, it got worse. Had to be given morphine to stop the pain, but also left her unconcious and paralyzed. She couldn't speak, couldn't talk, and didn't move. Got home one day, heard she was taken to the hospital because she had another seizure. When I got there, she was gone.
Used to come home from work every day, go straight up to her room, just to be with her. When I went to work in the morning, before I went to sleep, all the time, just to sit with her. Never left the house, and never gave up on believing she'll get better. She slept there on her hospital bed, in her room, at home. And it still felt like she was around, even when we wanted to hear her voice so much. See her smile. But now, it's not home anymore.
I blame myself every day, should have done more, taken more loans, sold everything I had, anything. Even should have begged. But that won't change anything now. I try my best to take care of my father. Can't even imagine what he's going through. But I failed one, I'm afraid I'll fail the other. I have never felt so alone, my whole life. And now that I suffer from Crohn's and Colitis, and many other problems, I just can't get over losing her. Because she was the only one that made me believe that "it was all going to be ok".

Comments for It was all going to be ok.

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Mar 14, 2012
Smile for me.
by: Fatima

March 15, 2012. Wish i met your mother, but im glad she left me someone as amazing and caring as yourself to remind of how kind, beautiful, and amazingly strong woman she must have been. Writing this down i wonder if my words are falling short to discribe her since i don't know her and my words might not do her justice or even start to describe the wonderful person that she was. But i do admire and respect her greatly for being truly inspirational and to confront and fight this illness for so long. For not allowing the disease to control her even through her bad days. Mo, you are my hero thank you for sharing your story, wishing you good health to come,stay strong. Things will not be the same, but they will be okay. Wish i had the kind of smile that would make you believe.

Mar 02, 2012
u wr always thr and u will always be
by: n.z

you never failed anyone mo and u never will...
you were always there for mama and now your here for baba and everyone...

Mar 01, 2012
it is ok
by: Noor

Hello, I'm Noor & I'm 17 years old. My grandmother is in the hospital because of heart & respiratory problems. She has been there for 4 months now without improvement, she can hear us but can't speak & barely even moves. I tickle her sometimes so she moves her hands. I love my grandma to death but were very worried about her. We brought doctors from outside but nothing helped & she's too weak to travel herself. Like you, my mother blames herself for not trying enough. I tell her she is doing all she can, she even sleeps at the hospital with her sometimes. In the end everything is in God's hands & you have done your best. Your mother was a great woman & I am sure she is in a better place than any of us. Allah y9abrek w yjm3k fl jannah ma3aha enshallah.

Feb 29, 2012
You did not fail your mother
by: Anonymous

Mo, I am so sorry for your loss. I was 20 years old when my mom passed away at the age of 56. She died of Pancreatic Cancer. The doctors tried everything but there was nothing they could do. She was very brave, worried more about me and my sister than what she was going through. You did everything you could possibly do to take incredible care of your mother. We cannot control the destiny of our loved ones. We cannot control when it is going to be our time to leave this world. I have also just lost a son not long ago and that is a mothers worst nightmare. I prayed everyday to God to keep my children safe, but again we are not in control, and I do believe that God does not control when we leave this world. He will be there to take care of us when we do.
Your mom is watching over you and she is thanking you for being with her every free minute you had. You need to take care of yourself and know in time that the pain will ease a bit and you will be able to think of the beautiful memories you had with your mom and less of the bad. You cannot get stuck in the guilt, you really should not feel any guilt, you should feel proud of yourself that you gave so much of yourself for your mother and you are taking such good care of your father now. You did not fail her. You will be ok. It will be a long journey , but you need to travel your journey and be kind to yourself.
Take care and be strong , you were incredible and your mother thanks you for that. Just remember that we will see our loved ones again and they are with us all the time. Take time to feel your mom near you, she is with you.

Feb 29, 2012
I understand
by: carol,seans mom

Mo, It is going to be o.k. I would say that all the time. My son always told me, mom you always think things will be ok. I said what other way is there to think? You need to believe that. I don't anymore. Now my son who was only 24 years old died one night in his sleep. I had no clue so there was no way I could help him. I am 49 years old and three weeks and lost my first born and only son. I have always been the one to make things better for my children. I couldn't. I didn't know he was going to die! How do these things happen. My whole being is shaken now and I feel so lost. I have two beautiful girls to take care of who loved him so much also. But why? How cruel! Life really knows how to give us blows and now just for the record it will not be ok. I am so sorry for your loss. It is a very painful time.

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