It was her time :(

by Tori

Last week I lost my Grandmother after a 2 week struggle of not being able to breathe properly. She had other illnesses such as Parkinson's and Angina just to name a few, so the odds were against her.

We cared for her at home until it was at the stage where we couldn't any longer, and she had to go to Hospital. She wasn't really conscious, and mumbling whilst sleeping from lack of oxygen. 2am the next morning she passed away.

I never wanted her to suffer or be in any pain, but I feel cheated in a way that she didn't know I was there before she left us. I remember her touching my hand before I left her room that afternoon, but I didn't want to disturb her and I didn't even say "I love you" i think that's what's killing me the most.

Her funeral is tomorrow and I feel like I'm going insane, I'm trying to be strong for my daughter who is 10yrs old, but I think she is coping better than me. I feel empty and heartbroken, as a piece of me is gone and never coming back. This is the first loss for me at 32yrs old that I have had to deal with, and I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. I can't seem to look at her photos at all at the moment, as I just feel that pain in my heart.

I miss her so much xxxxxxx

Comments for It was her time :(

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Apr 08, 2014
I lost my grandma on 8th April
by: Anonymous

I totally totally understand Tori. Nothing can take away this loss or justify anything.

My grandmother was 91, she had dementia and the drugs had left severe side effects like stiffness of the body, muscle contractions, etc. Plus she had a fall an year ago and the surgery drained her of any energy she had. She became bedridden and cared for her like a baby feeding her pureed food. We always thought she would make it with care (I know she was old but I always thought she was resilient) since she had a strong constitution. She lived with me for the past one year and I feel happy to have had the chance of caring for her.But the pain of her loss is unbearable. She dies on the way to hospital while I was holding her hand. She just started breathing like hiccups suddenly and then by the time we reached the hospital her breath just ebbed away and her pulse stopped. I am going between grief and numbness specially around her feeding times and medicine times. I feel like I have to feed her and give her medicines even though I know she is not around anymore. I feel kind of crazy. I have two children aged 11 and 7 but I am really unable to be string for them. I dont feel like talking to anyone or doing anything. Everyone tells me she was suffering and that it is better that she does not suffer anymore but I am selfish and I wanted her around for some more time. She raised me and I miss her.

Mar 11, 2014
It was her time :(
by: Doreen UK

Tori I am sorry for your loss of your grandmother. It has only been one week and you are in the very RAW STAGES of early grief when what you have expressed in how you feel is very normal. We have all expressed our feelings in the same way you have. This is your first experience you say with losing someone and it can be very overwhelming as you wouldn't know what to expect from grief and how it feels. It is the very worst experience in one's life. The pain is so unbearable. WE have all felt at some time our hurt over not saying "I love You" or feeling hurt that our loved one did not know we were present when they passed. I lost my husband of 44yrs. 22 months ago. I nursed him for 3yrs.39days with a horrendous cancer and watched him die slowly. I did not say Good-bye. I couldn't. I said "See you in the morning." I have a Faith and Hope that I will see my loved one's again. This helps me go on each day. BUT. I still feel so hurt and alone without him. Losing a loved one crushes us. You will feel broken for some time, but the secret to coping is by TAKING ONE DAY AT A TIME. This is how I have coped till now. Your grandmother would have known you were beside her. Somehow they just know. My husband couldn't talk, but he put his arm around my neck and pulled me down to him. I didn't know this at the time, but this was his way of saying "Good-bye." He knew he was dying and wouldn't meet me again. This HURTS. Oh! How I miss Him. I can't bear life without him. Even if you never got to tell your grandmother You loved her. She would have known by your actions. My husband only understood how much I loved him by the care I gave him and he said so. He didn't love himself enough to believe anyone could love him. He was my heartbeat. I would have changed places with him. I loved him in life and I love him in death. He was so special. Life will get easier in time and you will recover from grief. There is no time limit, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Crying seems to be the best way as we feel better after each tear we cry, and is where our healing comes from through expression. May God comfort you and your family and give you His Peace.

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