It wasn't perfect

by Becca

At first it wasn't so bad. We where just in a rut. It happens. I was driving 1 hour to work and back. We lived with 2 roommates so I felt closed in, like I couldn't be myself around him with them there one man was in the next room... with a damn window in the wall between us. I was so afraid to be physical, he could hear everything we did. I was depressed but I was looking forward to the future. We where going to get our own place, move cross country and start over. He kept saying I wasn't doing my share. I tried to explain through I was going through. He wouldn't listen. Then he said he didn't want to see me anymore and left me to vomit in the bathroom alone. 4 and a half years gone. I called my sister. We watched movies and ate junk food. Traditional. He came out from the backroom and joined us for a time. No words where spoken. He went to our room to sleep I had no where to go. I tried to sleep next to him but I just felt sick and confused again. I took the blanket and tried to sleep on the couch. I couldn't. So much anger so many horrible thoughts. The week before he suprised me on Valentine's with breakfast and gifts. I hadn't been so happy in a long time. I thought the rut was over we would be ok. I had my best friend back. Then less then a week later he dropped that on me.
I went into the room to confess how I felt and all I did was get angry. I pushed him away and I shouldn't have. My biggest regret. I spent the next 2 days alone trying to understand. Screaming and crying so long I would start laughing at the absurdity until I would pass out from being unable to breath. Everything would hurt. Everything still hurts. I had a friend help me move. He was gratious enough to come back and help me move the last box. I stayed the night. We did dishes in the tub the next day. We would talk almost everyday. We would see eachother once a week. I was so afraid I became overly clingy. My depression grew. I burried myself. I just wanted so badly to stay with him. Months passed. He continued to push me away. All
I knew was saddness. Deep enough to try and kill myself. 3 times. I grew out of it. We went on a trip. I hadn't been so happy things felt strained. But closer to normal. It was a bad trip back to reality. Both our minds where elsewhere. I wanted so badly to hear him say I love you. I just thought... just hoped I could hear that. Less then a weeklater he was with someone else. Again I tried to kill myself. He told me I was stronger then that it would make him guilty he still
cared. I never knew I could hate a word so much. Everyone "cares"
But no one will help. One... only one treated me like I was even a person anymore. Up until a week ago I was ok. Then he stopped by to give me money owed. I was estatic to see him. I was on cloud nine. And now I realize how depressed I sytill am. Distractions only work for so long. I wish I hadn't been so depressed so I could be myself with him. I wish he had tried harder to help me. I wish things normal. I have been so sad... for so long. I'm moving soon. I just want to see him one last time to say goodbye.

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