It wasn't supposed to be like this !

by Paul

I am just beyond one year - the point when the "first time since" syndrome should fall away. That may be the case but it doesn't feel any better. In fact it feels worse as people expect your life to "move on".

Jane and I had just celebrated our silver wedding - big party with friends, fireworks and expectation. Then breast cancer brought us down to earth hard ... mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiotherapy ... six months of respite and then it metasticised into brain and skeleton. 12 months later Jane died ... at the age of 52.

We had such prayer support and were determined that she was going to get through it. Our hope was dashed one wednesday evening when the consultant said that the game was up. I spent time getting Jane comfortable at home for the "few weeks" that we were told ... but two days later she died. I didn't have time to say goodbye ... so concerned with keeping friends and relatives informed and involved.

I never contemplated that she would go first. She would have coped on her own. I am struggling to pick up her agenda. I have been tryng to be Mum and Grandma as well as Dad and Grandpa. It doesn't work but I still try to fill a gap.

I know that God can heal and one day I may learn why He didn't in this instance. I know that He uses bad situations for good ... but I can't see it yet. I am trying desperately hard to hold onto Him ... but it is hard.

Comments for It wasn't supposed to be like this !

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Feb 15, 2012
Things Will Get Better
by: TrishJ

I'm so sorry for your loss. I too am going through the one year mark. I foolishly thought one year would ease the pain somewhat. I'm with you. Some days things seem to be worse. I've gone through all the the "firsts." I've done everything I'm supposed to. I pray, I meditate I try to stay on the positive side, I eat healthy, I exercise. I have no desire to move on with my life.
I've come to terms with my husband's death. I understand completely that it was God's will. I just miss him so much. He was such a huge part of my life. My life without him doesn't mean much right now.
The only thing we can do is just keep trying. I ask God daily to show me where he wants me to go. I think right now I'm just not open to moving on. I hope the day will come when I start thinking about me and not dwell so much in the past. I hope that for you too Paul.
God bless.

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