It wasn't supposed to be like this !
I am just beyond one year - the point when the "first time since" syndrome should fall away. That may be the case but it doesn't feel any better. In fact it feels worse as people expect your life to "move on".
Jane and I had just celebrated our silver wedding - big party with friends, fireworks and expectation. Then breast cancer brought us down to earth hard ... mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiotherapy ... six months of respite and then it metasticised into brain and skeleton. 12 months later Jane died ... at the age of 52.
We had such prayer support and were determined that she was going to get through it. Our hope was dashed one wednesday evening when the consultant said that the game was up. I spent time getting Jane comfortable at home for the "few weeks" that we were told ... but two days later she died. I didn't have time to say goodbye ... so concerned with keeping friends and relatives informed and involved.
I never contemplated that she would go first. She would have coped on her own. I am struggling to pick up her agenda. I have been tryng to be Mum and Grandma as well as Dad and Grandpa. It doesn't work but I still try to fill a gap.
I know that God can heal and one day I may learn why He didn't in this instance. I know that He uses bad situations for good ... but I can't see it yet. I am trying desperately hard to hold onto Him ... but it is hard.