It's all over now, Baby Blue

by NIk

My dad passed away peacefully at home on 5th December after a long, hard battle with prostate cancer. When he was diagnosed, I remember feeling like the world had collapsed around me. He had just had bypass surgery and was recovering well, but didn't say anything about having problems going to the toilet. By the time he went to see about it, it was incurable. So, gentlemen - if you notice any difference at all you must go and get it checked quickly. Prostate cancer is curable, and a bit of embarrassment is better than years of torture!

Anyway, almost 7 years ago Dad was diagnosed. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters and we're a very close family so we were there for each other, but we also held our own feelings. We ranged from teenagers to twenties so were at different stages in our lives. Dad continued to work for many years, and was still his usual funny and loveable self but when he started a type of hormone treatment he turned into a different person. One that we all (including him) struggled to deal with - he was an emotional wreck, short tempered and felt awful. So, he made a decision to stop the treatment and would go for quality of life, rather than quantity. We thought at that stage it was a matter of time, but he has managed to spend so much time with him that I am eternally grateful to the people that helped him for all those years. My mum is a superhero - she has managed his medication and stopped her own life to love and support him. The NHS staff were wonderful (although he really didn't like the hospital!). Each of us have played a part - I feel honoured to be part of this family; the one that he created.

When I fell pregnant, Dad never thought he would still be here to meet my baby. But he did, and my wee boy is now 5 years old. His Gramps is his hero - they were like best friends. They would watch Fireman Sam or Jake in the mornings, make videos of them singing on YouTube, build lego, read stories and they just loved each other. I'm so happy that my baby will always have memories of his Grampy and we often spoke about how he held on to see all his milestones.

Last week, dad had been in hospital with another infection and he woke up pulling all his tubes and wires out. My mum decided then to take him home because it was where he wanted to be. We've been here before though - 7 years is a long time, and we've been Knocking on Heaven's door a few times in that time. When he got home, he just slept from the Monday and on the Tuesday night I went to his bed and fell asleep with him. He sounded terrible - the breathing was scary but I still wasn't sure he was going. I went to work the next day having booked the following two days off and I'd just walked in the front door when my mum phoned and told me to get back. The grief just took hold of me and I sobbed all the way home. The feeling I had when I walked into his room will never leave me. He looked.........dead. There's no other way to describe it. We all sat with him, crying and holding each other and at times we expected him to sit up and say 'boo' as he was such a joker. But that never happened, He was taken away before the kids got home, then I had to tell my son. I told him that Grampy was unwell and had went to heaven, but would be watching over him all the time. I said that he will be the brightest star in the sky, and we would look for him that night. He cried a bit then cuddled me, but when we went down stairs he ran into his room to find him and was devastated when he wasn't there. He really felt it, and was crying hard for a while which was really hard to watch. We did look for Gramps that night, and there he was - right above the front door; the brightest star in the sky.

The days have went on, and we held an emotional funeral for him on Tuesday this week. Many people came to pay their respects to my Dad, and it was very touching. But now we're all back home, and it's almost Christmas and I don't know what I'm going to do without him. Who will help me (and argue with me) on Christmas Eve when I'm building the toys? Who is my comedy partner now? Who makes my wee boy laugh with his daftness? What does my mum do now - her whole life was him for so long - how does she fill her time? Who do I make my tomato soup for? Who's going to be there when I want to talk? Who am I going to talk about downloading with? I just don't know. Sometimes, it doesn't feel real then it hits me. I see his face the last time I saw him; in his coffin, so peaceful but so cold. I've accepted it but I don't know if I want to move on. He has always been here, and it scares me that the future doesn't have him in it. How can someone who is such a big part of your life just disappear?

You know, since he's been gone I'm sure he's been around. I've always been easy about the thought of a presence or whatever, but there's been a few things that have happened and they have given me a bit of comfort. Just this morning, I was in his bathroom and the lights flickered. It could have just been a flicker, but well, I like to think it was him. A few nights ago I was crying in bed and I felt his touch on my hands.

I'm signing off just now with tears in my eyes and pain in my heart. I don't even know the purpose of this but it feels good to talk about him. Love you always big man xxxx

Comments for It's all over now, Baby Blue

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Dec 17, 2012
It's all over now, Baby Blue
by: Doreen U.K.

Nikki don't look at the mountain (future) it will overwhelm you. I found myself doing this automatically in the initial days of loss. I felt as if the thought of the future without my husband was swallowing me up into a casm. I then started taking one day at a time. I try not to think of the future as long term, but DAILY. This does help otherwise I couldn't cope.
I am using my daughter's computer as mine has broken down it had 1284 viruses on this. My sister-in-law handed my computer to her daughter to take off all the viruses and she did not have the password to get into the computer. That night she had a dream that my husband Steve came to her in the dream and said. "The computer is all messed up." my niece replied. "Unlce I know I am going to sort it out but I don't have the password I will have to ask Aunty in the morning." Steve said to her. "Oh don't worry I will give you the password" She used this password and was able to get into the computer to do the work needed to sort it out. My sister-in-law did phone me in the morning and out of curiosity asked me the password. EXACTLY RIGHT as my niece was told in her dream by Steve. So Yes Nikki many people can testify to having dreams where the departed one comes to them. Others feel the presence of the loved one for a long time around them. Others like myself see white feathers. I have so many and these are all very comforting. You will find comfort in the things you see. I do wish you Peace and Love in Life and Comfort in your sorrow for you and your family. I also hope your mum is able to find her way forward in her grief. She is not Alone. Best wishes.

Dec 16, 2012
by: Nikki

Thanks for your comments Doreen. I'm so sorry for your loss too - cancer is such a horrible thing, and you're right about those poor children and their families. Grief is over-whelming at times, I can feel my heart beating so fast when I try to hold it in. My son has been a great comfort to me and we're all pulling together. I think I will write a journal of some sort, as it helps to write things down. My mum worked so hard for my dad - he was given maximum of 12 months 5 years ago, but she loved and managed him so well that I'll always be grateful to her for keeping him going. I know it's still early days, but it's so painful to think that I'll never see him again. He was a constant in my life - I saw him every day, and we were best friends. I can feel him around me which gives me comfort but I genuinely don't know how I'm going to get through forever without him being there. Big hugs to you xxx

Dec 15, 2012
It's all over now, Baby Blue
by: Doreen U.K.

Nik I am sorry for your loss of your Dad. The purpose of you writing is to share your pain and receive support. No one was meant to carry this burden of loss on their own. We are meant to share and carry each other's burdens. I am sure you found writing helped. Perhaps you can keep a journal and write in this and get your feelings out of your system so you can eventually heal from your loss. You can write letters to your dad and tell him each day how you feel. This is so good to do. I did this for my husband who I lost to cancer 7 months ago. It hurts terribly.
Your mum will be in a very hard place right now with her grief. She is in the same place as me. Losing a husband of 44yrs. It is the wrong time of year to face such pain and sorrow. It was only yesterday that we heard of the massacre of 26 people in America. Mostly children. Such PAIN. Such senseless loss that more and more suffering is happening for so many families. Nik I don't have any answers for you but to say that you are not ALONE. You have come to the right place to share your pain. I was born in Scotland and know that your kinfolk are very good at caring and looking after their own. I hope that the good folk of Scotland will come together and support you and your mum and family at this time and that you will heal from your loss.

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