It's been 12 years and I'm not over it
by Christy Fuller
I had a couple dreams last night that brought me right back to the heartache from 12 years ago (almost 12 years to the day). He was my first love, we had a baby when we were teenagers, and then he got beat up left on train tracks, run over, lived for a week and then died. He never regained consciousness but he was able to squeeze our hands for a couple days before he went brain dead. He lost both legs, 1/2 an arm and his beautiful face was the size of a basketball. I'm mad. I'm mad that it happened, I'm mad that he "left" me, I'm mad that my son has lived more years without him than with him (it happened when he was 8 and he's now 20). I know I haven't accepted this and part of me feels like I don't want to because that's acknowledging that he's gone. But he IS GONE. I also still feel just as in love with him today as I was the day it happened. I LOVE HIM. I AM IN LOVE WITH HIM, and there isn't a thing I can do about it. NO other man matches up to him, no other man will ever be him, nobody. I know that I am my problem here, I just don't know what to do.