It's been 12 years and I'm not over it

by Christy Fuller

I had a couple dreams last night that brought me right back to the heartache from 12 years ago (almost 12 years to the day). He was my first love, we had a baby when we were teenagers, and then he got beat up left on train tracks, run over, lived for a week and then died. He never regained consciousness but he was able to squeeze our hands for a couple days before he went brain dead. He lost both legs, 1/2 an arm and his beautiful face was the size of a basketball. I'm mad. I'm mad that it happened, I'm mad that he "left" me, I'm mad that my son has lived more years without him than with him (it happened when he was 8 and he's now 20). I know I haven't accepted this and part of me feels like I don't want to because that's acknowledging that he's gone. But he IS GONE. I also still feel just as in love with him today as I was the day it happened. I LOVE HIM. I AM IN LOVE WITH HIM, and there isn't a thing I can do about it. NO other man matches up to him, no other man will ever be him, nobody. I know that I am my problem here, I just don't know what to do.

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Aug 15, 2014
It's been 12 years and I'm not over it
by: Doreen uK

Christy Please don't beat yourself up for being the way you still are after 12yrs. It is not easy to recover from what you have been through. My heart goes out to your partner who suffered in the worst way possible and must have suffered a lot of pain. This is such a inhumane thing to do to someone. Leave them on the train tracks. Suffering amputee of both legs and arms. This is one of the most tragic deaths I have ever read about. I never cease to be angry about hearing about such CRUELTY. I am not surprised that you have not moved away from that day. It would be so hard to get that event and those pictures of the one you loved, out of your head and heart. I don't think you will be able to move beyond his death without the support and guidance of a psychologist/counsellor. This is such a tragedy. You will still be traumatised and will need specialised support from a trained professional. I feel traumatised just reading your post. Worse still because He was a good Man who you loved so deeply that you are WOUNDED beyond what you can cope with. Do not blame yourself for still suffering deep grief and trauma. Unless you get the professional help you need you wont' be able to move beyond where you are today. I have done the psychologist/counsellor experience and I am in a happier and stable place and got my life back so I can cope better with life. I did this in my 40's. You owe it to yourself and that precious son of yours who is now a Young man and would hate to see his mom still in a broken and depressed state. You have every right to be Mad. But don't stay Mad. It is possible to heal with the right support. You will then be able to honour this man you loved and hold him in your heart with less pain.

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